Valentine Died

Valentine (aka Valley)
Brown and white spotted hamster
Dec. 9 2003 - Dec. 25, 2005

Valentine passed away on Christmas Day. She was a good hamster who loved to run on her wheel, run in her plastic ball outside her cage and eat. Her favourite foods were lettuce, apples and yoghurt drops. She liked to sleep in her space donut, store food away, arrange her kleenex bedding, clean/shower on her balcony and run on her comfort wheel or her second wired wheel with two bars. She liked to run one way on her comfort wheel, stop, turn the other way on her wheel and keep running. It seemed to entertain her. She liked to wait at the doors for us to let her out into her ball. She also liked to wait for her daily treats. She had a lot of energy for a little hamster and she brought a lot of joy to me and others who knew her.

I will really miss my baby, Valentine. She was like my baby. For the past two days, I had to hand feed her as she was very weak and give her water in a smaller dish. She died in her sleep on Christmas Day with her water dish underneath her body. Poor Valentine. After her surgery she wasn't the same. She mostly rested and didn't come out of her cage to run in her plastic ball at all.

She is the last of my four hamsters. The first was a small, white dwarf hamster, Bunches, who lived about 8 months. He died of wet tail. The second was Jubilee. We were buddies and she would fall asleep on me most nights. She thought I was her mommy, which I was, but we were really close. Then I adopted a long haired brown hamster named Walnut or Wally for short. Jubilee and Walnut were very much in love with each other. Valentine was the baby of them all yet she was the most independent of them all. She was a jockette, very energetic and outlived all of them.

Valentine, I love you so much. I hope that you are at peace now...resting or if your soul is alive that you are running somewhere to your hearts content. Know that I always loved you from the moment I saw you. There was a special bond between us. I first saw you at the pet store and put my hand up against your paw. As I moved my hand, you moved your paw in the same direction. Your coat was a special colour of brown with white specks. So unusual and so pretty. Then Allan said he wanted to get you for me for Valentine's Day. We picked you up that day. I couldn't wait to pick you up and hold you but knew I needed to give you your space. So, I waited patiently for you and just stared at you. I watched you and wondered if you minded this big head by your cage so much. When I first put my hand in your cage, you were attracted to my gold ring. You bit my ring and some skin with it. This so surprised me that I screamed and scared you at the same time. After that I didn't hold you much. When I put you in your ball with your brother and sister, you didn't seem to interested in them but they were interested in you! You were always so independent. Slowly we did form a bond. You were the most athletic of all my hammies. Allan cared for you more than the other hammies. I think you were Daddy's girl. You always came out of your cage for him and slept underneath his side of them bed as your resting place outside your cage. You would run straight to his feet when in your ball. I am so sad to lose you my most wonderful hamster. I did the surgery for you so I could give you more time in life here. I'm glad that you could use it and live for another month longer. I am sorry if I ever was not there for you like I should have been. I'm sorry if I didn't make good decisions for you and your health...like taking you back to the vet after your surgery. I did love you so much. You were my precious baby. The time you had here was a blessing from God. Thank you for sharing your life with me and giving me so much joy. I'm privileged to have taken care of you. Thank you for being such a good hamster. I love you, Valley. I will miss you very much. I hope that you are running somewhere with lettuce and apples stuffed in your cheek pouches. I love you. Thank you for all you've given to me. Love, Mommy

Stressful Job

I did not go to work today or last Friday. I was at my point of exhaustion and fatigue: mentally, emotionally & physically. I told my supervisor and the big boss. There's no way I could have kept going. So, I took a mental health break. I think I'll go back tomorrow as it shouldn't be as busy. But my psychologist said that I need to ask for a plan for January so I'm not bombarded with work and that I should start looking for other jobs. The good thing in all of this is that my psychologist said that I have been doing well with the borderline personality stuff. He said that the real factor is not my health but the situation that I'm in. Al said he's really proud of me for standing up for myself. The place where I work has for the 3rd time in my career there asked me to do more than one job for an extended period of time...I just can't do anymore. So, I'm not going to blame myself or say I'm weak...rather it is the situation I've been placed in that is unfair. I can't do both my job and some of my supervisor's job and watch while our whole office struggles to breathe because of so many employees out of the office. Anyway, one more week before Christmas holidays and I'm feeling good about myself and life.

No baby

I can totally understand women in their 30s and their desparate longing for a family. Al & I have everything we've ever dreamed of... except a child. We have now received post-secondary education, stable careers/jobs, good health, saved some money, have a new house, travelled to other countries...our lives are so full and so complete! There is only one thing missing. I think it's hard for goal oriented people who like to achieve and work hard to accept that pregnancy may just take a long time to happen or that the possibility of children is unknown. I like instant answers or at least to have a plan that I can work on to achieve my goals. Now, I feel so helpless not knowing if my last one big dream will ever come true. I know it will, but how & when I'm not sure. I'm starting to seriously consider adoption. I've been to Kazahkstan and even visited orphans there. The children look half asian and half white. I've always wanted to adopt, honestly, and maybe it's time to start looking into the matter more seriously.

Ending

Dr. Q emailed me after I emailed him in response to a difficult session where I felt unheard. He was encouraging. He also said that I was recovering and the time of finishing our sessions together was soon. What?! I'm glad but sad at the same time. I really appreciate Dr. Q and all he's done to help me. I feel like I'm doing much better and I'm encouraged by his email. Part of me is thinking...maybe he just doesn't want to work with me? Part of me is thinking...I'm still sick! Aren't I? I get so frustrated and yell instead of practising the wise mind...distancing stuff. What's going on? But, I guess it is good news. I will be sad to not see Dr. Q all the time but at least I know he's there if I need him. But, it is sad. Goodbyes are usually difficult.

NEW HOUSE!

Yes!! Finally in my new condo with Al! It's warm, cosy, small and great!! It was a lot of work and very tiring but it's finally "liveable".

I read in the newspaper this past week that mental illness could be linked to creativity. Now the paper wasn't doing an extensive article on mental illness but on creativity and they just mentioned that phrase in passing without any facts to back it up. But, hmm...makes one wonder.

I've been feeling so tired lately. I've been sleeping a lot. I think I may be pregnant. But I often think that because my PMS is so similar to pregnancy signs. And I've been busy with work and other stuff...maybe I'm coming down with something...Anyway, I've been feeling pretty worn down energy wise.

I so want to have a baby. I even have a name...Kaylyn Samantha Shizue. Kaylyn because I love "K" names for girls. Kaylyn means waterfall pool and rejoicer. Kay on it's own means pure. So I think that's pretty cool. Samantha means "heard by God" so I think that's cool. My grandma's name is Shizue and I really want to honour her. She's my hero. She was one of the first Japanese to live to Ontario. She has gone through so much in her life but she holds no bitterness. It's really amazing how beautiful and wonderful she is. And Shizue means "quiet"...I hope that means my baby won't be fussy!:)

If it's a boy...Al & I aren't quite as decided. We like Ryan and Josiah. Al's pretty certain we're going to have two girls...but who knows, right?!

All I know is that if I'm pregnant, it will be a miracle. It's been 5 years of marriage and no kids, no pregnancies, nothing.