Blah Blah Blah
Sunday night. I'm here in bed like I've been for most of the weekend. I've been feeling overwhelmed by feelings of depression this weekend. It started on Friday, my day off. I spent the day relaxing, doing nothing and thinking about life. It was okay but by the end of the night, I went downhill. I couldn't get out of bed to go out with friends and I kept crying. The borderline came out and I started acting so strange and wanting to hurt myself. I was acting mean to Al and I felt so unconsolable.
Saturday we were suppose to have my aunts over to our house but my husband was going loopy by this point and we cancelled. He was feeling so frustrated, hurt and upset and he was loosing it! My mom came over. But, in the process, she also hurt me by calling me a spoiled brat. A favourite expression of hers.
Well, now it's Sunday and we managed to get to church. But, I felt so sad inside. Saturday night was probably the highlight of the weekend. Al & I played Mario Kart and talked about the abuse. I felt free to talk to him and so I poured out my heart.
I asked Al and I ask you as well...Do you think it's stange that Glenn, 22 years of age, kept hanging out at night with us girls who were between 11-14? He kept hanging out with this one girl, Allison. I walked into our girls cabin and found her sitting on his lap. They were alone and it was dark in the cabin. As well, I remember sleeping in a cabin when I was 13 with my friends, and Glenn being there. He kept trying to persaude us to let him join us in our sleeping bag. We all refused. I think I felt sorry for him because he kept complaining how cold he was, so I let him put his feet into my sleeping bag. That's how the zipper broke on our sleeping bag. After the leader found out about how Glenn was in our cabin at night, he told Glenn to not hang out in our cabin at night. (And the leader was pretty cool and liberal so if he put his foot down on Glenn, it must have been inappropriate.) So, then all the girls ended up at the campfire with Glenn. Some others joined. But, it was mostly Glenn and us young girls. It was his idea. He wanted to point out all the stars to Allison. He then thought it would be a great idea to bring out all the mattresses so we could all lie down under the stars together. I remember we all didn't think it was a good idea, but he wouldn't listen. He brought out all the mattresses and lied beside Allison, the 11 year old and we all lied down too. Now that I think about it as an adult, it does seem strange. Why at night would he hang out with a bunch of 11-14 year girls when all the people his age were doing something else? It does seem like he was preying on us. I remember him being close to Allison's older sister and her parents. But, that's what sex offenders do is try to get close to the parents to gain trust. Well, that was the summer before we started "dating". As well, another thing that seems strange to me is that he dated a 17 year old girl when he was 22. She looked like she was 19 but she was still in her second last year of highschool. This guy seemed to have a problem with being infactuated with young girls. Comments are welcome.
Anyway, well, so I've been pondering that fact. I've been pondering how it was a hideous crime that seems to have happened to me. It wasn't just a error in judgement within our relationship, it was a crime for him to prey on me and use me. He was not only wrong, but it was a criminal act. That's really hard hitting because I've never really viewed it like that before. As well, the show on Dateline about catching older men preying on young girls through the internet has also brought this to the surface. I see how wrong it truly is what Glenn did to me. I see the expression on the men's faces as they are confronted by the host of the show. The guys know what they are doing is wrong and they know that they're planning something unjust. None of them ever say, "Yes, I'm planning on having sex with a 13 year old and there is nothing wrong with that, is there?" They all either deny they knew the girl's age or deny they were going to have sex with her or apologize profusely. But all of them know it's wrong to be sexual with a young girl. So, Glenn would have known it was wrong too. I wish he was caught the way these guys are being caught. I wish he was in handcuffs and forced to have his life shattered. I wish he was in jail now. I wish he never did what he did. (At least I'm not wishing he was dead like before.)
I just want my life to be normal! I want my life to happen without the hurt, borderline and depression getting in the way of my plans! I was going to have a FUN, FUN weekend!!! But, all the borderline behaviour came in and wrecked it! I hate BPD!!!! I hate you, BPD!!!! Go away and never come back!!! I wish there was some magical cure that could take all the pain away! I wish that Glenn never did what he did because then I wouldn't be dealing with BPD! I was fine before the abuse happened. And I'm still fine most of the time...especially lately. It's just this weekend and every once in a while, it creeps up again. I hate BPD.
On another note, I'm sad about leaving my department. They have been like a rock for me in difficult times. They have been so supportive, encouraging and loving. I really, really love and appreciate them! I will miss being in their dept. I know I'll probably see them all everyday but I mean, I may not chat with them as much and I may not see them as often and I won't go out for departmental lunches. I'm really sad. I think it's that sadness that triggered the BPD. I felt sad and I felt embarrased about my emotional connection to my teammates that I tried to cover it up. It would have been better if I just cried and admitted how much I would miss my teammates. Well, I messed it up. I will try better next time to be more honest with my feelings. I think I wasn't even sure what I was upset about though. But, if I talked it out with Al, it would have been better. I need to be more vulnerable with him.
(My hamster, Zoe, just came into the room in her plastic ball. She's so cute! My little bundle of energy and cuteness!!)
Well, I better go soon. I hope everyone else is doing a lot better than I am doing!! Al & I are going to find therapists this week to go see. Hopefully, we'll find someone good for both of us.
Saturday we were suppose to have my aunts over to our house but my husband was going loopy by this point and we cancelled. He was feeling so frustrated, hurt and upset and he was loosing it! My mom came over. But, in the process, she also hurt me by calling me a spoiled brat. A favourite expression of hers.
Well, now it's Sunday and we managed to get to church. But, I felt so sad inside. Saturday night was probably the highlight of the weekend. Al & I played Mario Kart and talked about the abuse. I felt free to talk to him and so I poured out my heart.
I asked Al and I ask you as well...Do you think it's stange that Glenn, 22 years of age, kept hanging out at night with us girls who were between 11-14? He kept hanging out with this one girl, Allison. I walked into our girls cabin and found her sitting on his lap. They were alone and it was dark in the cabin. As well, I remember sleeping in a cabin when I was 13 with my friends, and Glenn being there. He kept trying to persaude us to let him join us in our sleeping bag. We all refused. I think I felt sorry for him because he kept complaining how cold he was, so I let him put his feet into my sleeping bag. That's how the zipper broke on our sleeping bag. After the leader found out about how Glenn was in our cabin at night, he told Glenn to not hang out in our cabin at night. (And the leader was pretty cool and liberal so if he put his foot down on Glenn, it must have been inappropriate.) So, then all the girls ended up at the campfire with Glenn. Some others joined. But, it was mostly Glenn and us young girls. It was his idea. He wanted to point out all the stars to Allison. He then thought it would be a great idea to bring out all the mattresses so we could all lie down under the stars together. I remember we all didn't think it was a good idea, but he wouldn't listen. He brought out all the mattresses and lied beside Allison, the 11 year old and we all lied down too. Now that I think about it as an adult, it does seem strange. Why at night would he hang out with a bunch of 11-14 year girls when all the people his age were doing something else? It does seem like he was preying on us. I remember him being close to Allison's older sister and her parents. But, that's what sex offenders do is try to get close to the parents to gain trust. Well, that was the summer before we started "dating". As well, another thing that seems strange to me is that he dated a 17 year old girl when he was 22. She looked like she was 19 but she was still in her second last year of highschool. This guy seemed to have a problem with being infactuated with young girls. Comments are welcome.
Anyway, well, so I've been pondering that fact. I've been pondering how it was a hideous crime that seems to have happened to me. It wasn't just a error in judgement within our relationship, it was a crime for him to prey on me and use me. He was not only wrong, but it was a criminal act. That's really hard hitting because I've never really viewed it like that before. As well, the show on Dateline about catching older men preying on young girls through the internet has also brought this to the surface. I see how wrong it truly is what Glenn did to me. I see the expression on the men's faces as they are confronted by the host of the show. The guys know what they are doing is wrong and they know that they're planning something unjust. None of them ever say, "Yes, I'm planning on having sex with a 13 year old and there is nothing wrong with that, is there?" They all either deny they knew the girl's age or deny they were going to have sex with her or apologize profusely. But all of them know it's wrong to be sexual with a young girl. So, Glenn would have known it was wrong too. I wish he was caught the way these guys are being caught. I wish he was in handcuffs and forced to have his life shattered. I wish he was in jail now. I wish he never did what he did. (At least I'm not wishing he was dead like before.)
I just want my life to be normal! I want my life to happen without the hurt, borderline and depression getting in the way of my plans! I was going to have a FUN, FUN weekend!!! But, all the borderline behaviour came in and wrecked it! I hate BPD!!!! I hate you, BPD!!!! Go away and never come back!!! I wish there was some magical cure that could take all the pain away! I wish that Glenn never did what he did because then I wouldn't be dealing with BPD! I was fine before the abuse happened. And I'm still fine most of the time...especially lately. It's just this weekend and every once in a while, it creeps up again. I hate BPD.
On another note, I'm sad about leaving my department. They have been like a rock for me in difficult times. They have been so supportive, encouraging and loving. I really, really love and appreciate them! I will miss being in their dept. I know I'll probably see them all everyday but I mean, I may not chat with them as much and I may not see them as often and I won't go out for departmental lunches. I'm really sad. I think it's that sadness that triggered the BPD. I felt sad and I felt embarrased about my emotional connection to my teammates that I tried to cover it up. It would have been better if I just cried and admitted how much I would miss my teammates. Well, I messed it up. I will try better next time to be more honest with my feelings. I think I wasn't even sure what I was upset about though. But, if I talked it out with Al, it would have been better. I need to be more vulnerable with him.
(My hamster, Zoe, just came into the room in her plastic ball. She's so cute! My little bundle of energy and cuteness!!)
Well, I better go soon. I hope everyone else is doing a lot better than I am doing!! Al & I are going to find therapists this week to go see. Hopefully, we'll find someone good for both of us.
