Japanese-Canadian - Huge Long Blog

"Come See Paradise" was a riveting film that I watched today for the first time. I think I would like to buy it if I can get my hands on a copy of it. It is the best movie I have seen about Japanese internment in America.

Warning - Long Blog.

I am a daisy. Minnie & Pastor Mary have both prayed for me separately and unbeknowest to both of them they both saw daisies in their mind. Minnie used to work at a flower store and said daisies were the most sturdy of flowers. They could endure so much neglect and yet still grow. When Al buys me daisies, they always last longer than other cut flowers. They were made to endure. I am like a daisy. Even in the harshest of environments, somehow my family & I managed to grow.

Japanese culture teaches people to push away their emotions of sadness and to not talk about deep issues of hurt. So, no one really talks about the internment in families I know. How can anyone process it, if they are not willing to discuss it? It's not like I want everyont at family get togethers to compare notes, "Oh yeah, well, my internment days were rougher than yours because we had ice on the inside of our windows." They don't want to discuss that part of their lives. They keep it hidden. Isn't there a time for silence and a time to speak out? As a young Japanese-Canadian growing up in the freedom of this nation, I have no comprehension of what it would have been like to endure such hardship. I couldn't imagine being my grandma and having my farm taken away or being my grandpa and having my Harley Davidson motorcycle taken away. How could precious photos of dear loved ones not be returned and destroyed as refuse? Many questions but no real concrete answers. I hope our hardship can be a lesson that is learned for many Muslim people's sake. I hope & pray that they do not experience post 911 what we experienced post Pearl Harbour. It seems incredulous that it would happen now. Thank God.

There is no room for pity and despair. I will hope and look to the bravery and courage of my elders. I am so proud that they endured such injustice with grace, mercy and dignity. My grandparents worked so hard after all was taken away from them. They chose to stay here in this country and I am thankful. I can worship God freely and speak my mind. I can marry whomever I chose and be free. This is my home and the country I love. They sacrificed so much for us. I owe it to not only myself, but to them, to live life fully and be happy. I can't imagine hurting myself or wanting to kill myself anymore. I am precious. I have value. Out of such horrible conditions, my parents survived and I was born. I am a joy to them. I am a joy to my family. I must survive because I am so precious to them. I must live so I can tell this story. That we are a strong people and a gracious people. We are a people whom our Lord & Saviour, Jesus Christ, met so long ago. I have a history and a legacy for which I must carve out for my children. I must tell them of what happened so many years ago. And I must tell them how wonderful and lucky they are to be part of this family, who was saved by the grace of God. I only hope that I can do it justice.

My worth and value is not meaningless. Growing up, I thought I wasn't as good as others because I was Japanese and very small. The truth is that I was just as good as everyone else. I was just different and different isn't always bad. In fact, I had a very interesting legacy and history to my family and one that I should not dread. I hated that time of year, when it was heritage week and I had to share about my family. Everyone talked about their familes being Canadian for many generations or being English or Scottish in background. I was the only one who stuck out like a sore thumb and had names on my family trees that could not be pronounced. I longed to have blond hair, wide blue eyes and grandparents named Mary and John. Instead, I was strange and ate teriyaki chicken and sushi on Christmas. What a strange way to grow up. Everyone around you looking and acting different. People calling out names to me and laughing as I walked by. Still to this day, I hate going into small towns where I feel like I'm the main feature. "Wow! A real "chinese" person," they must be thinking. What will my kids go through?!

I felt so horrible and ashamed about being Japanese. I didn't know what to think of it, except maybe I was strange. It must be bad if people stare and make fun of me for being it. Why were we the butt end of all the jokes, if we had nothing to be ashamed about?

"God chose the weak things of this world to shame those that are wise." The Bible. (St. Paul, I think) Perhaps that is why God chose my family to bless. My grandparents stayed outside Toronto because they wouldn't let any Japanese people live there. Finally when Toronto opened up to Japanese people, my grandparents moved in there. My grandparents became Christians in the internment camps in BC. A missionary taught English in the camps and my grandfather became a Christian. Later on my grandmother also became a Christian. My great uncle struggled with whether what he had heard about Jesus was true or not. He went up by a tree, determined to not come down until he had made a decision. He became a Christian that day and later a minister. My grandfather was an elder and read through the Bible three times. My grandma is an elder now too. She loves the Psalms and has even forgiven the government. I do not know another woman who has such dignity, grace and inner beauty, than her. I want to be like her when I'm older.

They are the survivors and overcomers! What a legacy of love, hope, forgiveness and redemption. But the glory must go to God who pulled them through such horror with such grace and peace. There is no shame on my grandma's face. There is no ill will in her spirit. Just peace and contentment. It must be God. There is no other explanation.

What we have found and proven true is that God is really our hero. He did chose us to be a showcase to the rest of the world. He is alive and humble. He will raise up anyone in any circumstance. Have I not learned the lesson already, Joanna? God will redeem even the hardest of abuse and glaring of neglect to show that He can heal all wounds. He will help me overcome. It is in my blood or in His blood, to overcome all obstacles. "The righteous may have many troubles, but overcome them all." Psalms. I am confident that I will be healed. How fully, I am not sure. But, there will be a great measure of healing because of the assuredness of WHO GOD IS. He does not change and what He does hasn't changed. He still binds up the brokenhearted and heals those who are crushed in spirit. If HE hasn't changed, then the result will not change either. And if He chooses the weak things of this world to shame those that are wise, than I am right in line for the healing & blessing of God Almighty. I am a friend of God. I am His daisy. His showcase of His great and abundant mercy poured out in Jesus Christ. I am His daughter. The rightful daughter of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

Saw Dr. Q on Wednesday. It was good. We talked about a lot of different topics.
1) My mom. Developing an adult-adult relationship where I don't do things for her that she can do herself. And where I can emotionally separate from her and develop better boundaries. She is an adult and she has responsibility for her own life, not me. I don't have to care for her and protect her. She is an adult. And vice versa.

2) Diverting or switching technique. When I'm upset about something, like my mom's feeding the dog people food although it's not good for her, I can use this technique. Paying attention (like grounding) to one sense, eg. vision, for one minute. Then, for the next minute, I label & pay attention to what I hear. Then, the third minute, I pay attention to both at the same time. Then for about 5 secs. each, I switch back and forth between sight & hearing. This is suppose to help me pull away from distressful thoughts easier. Later on, I can practice with thoughts and learn not to dwell on negative stuff that's hurtful to me.

3) Glenn. After doing my homework of writing a letter to Glenn (that I did not send) I learned something new. I needed something from Glenn, still. I think I just need Glenn to acknowledge that I really loved him. And I want him to just to understand and appreciate the fact that I gave so much care to him. I genuinely loved and cared for Glenn. I just want acknowledgement that what I gave was precious to him. I don't even want an apology. I just need to know that he sees how much love & care I genuinely gave to him because I cared so much for him. I looked out for his best interest and showed to him an unconditional love. I just want him to say, he understands that I did that and he is grateful. That's it. He doesn't even have to say he reciprocated it or be sorry he took advantage of me. I just want to know that my love was received. That will be okay for me. Then, I can let go, I think. Dr. Q said it makes sense. I guess so. After all these years, is that the only thing I really wanted? To know that my love was of value and meant something to someone? I just want my love to bless another and then it's worthwhile and then it's special. Even if it's not returned, I just want to know that my love was appreciated because I gave it so freely, so generously and so lavishly. I just want my love for him to be acknowledged. So, Dr. Q wants me to draft a letter for next session. He will go over it and then after his corrections, I will send it out.

4) Narcissistic personality. Dr. Q said maybe Glenn had narcissistic personality. As I learn more about it, I think my dad has it! Maybe Glenn had it too. But both of this personality disorder and borderline have to do with not enough real self, I'm told. Narcissistics just inflate themselves and have too much self and the borderline has too little self. That's what Dr. Q said.

I will work on my homework with Glenn and the diverting technique. It's hard to do both at the same time, I find.

Wise Mind

Thanks all for your comments & encouragement! It's so therapeutic to feel heard about your inmost thoughts & feelings.

I've been feeling a bit down the last two days. It's the BPD. I interpreted Al's lack of affection as proof that he doesn't desire me. My emotional mind says, Al will end up like all the other guys and not love you anymore. My rational mind says, he's not affectionate because either he doesn't like affection or he struggles to initiate affection (as he mentioned to me). My wise mind says, "My Emotional Mind can't be trusted. It doesn't make sense that he doesn't like affection. So the last option must be the truth: He loves me but struggles with showing affection like he told me." Phew! Dr. Q said I need to work it out with someone what my emotional mind is saying and what my rational mind is saying and than come to a conclusion with my Wise Mind. Al's been praying for me today. I could feel his prayers because I felt really good this morning and finally feel a peace about the wise mind.

I got my monthly friend today. I think it's affecting my emotions. I feel a bit down but not for any particular reason. I like being a girl but the hormone thing isn't always fun. Well, one day when I have kids, it'll be worthwhile!

Jail and freedom

My psychologist told me that the age of consent in Canada is 14 so I don't really have a case to go to trial against Glenn. He said I could always consult with a lawyer. I am so angry that the laws of Canada are so lax! It's soooo frustrating. I'm trying not to let it confuse me or invalidate the truth that Glenn was wrong in taking advantage of me. I hate some of the laws of Canada. I know they're trying to raise the age of consent, which would be a good idea. I was exploited and abused and no one can tell me otherwise. The laws of Canada can't invalidate the truth and my conscience. I sat in session last week wanting Dr. Q to tell me that Glenn was still wrong. But, Dr. Q wants me to use my "objective" self to tell that to myself. I just feel like I want someone to validate my sense of injustice. But, Dr. Q wants me to validate myself. That's what I struggle with and that's what he's trying to build up in my life. Ah man! It's hard work. I will try...Glenn was wrong. Even if the laws of Canada are super lax in that area, I know in my heart that I was wronged and what Glenn did was incredibly evil and unthinkable to any sane person.

Dr. Q wants me to write a letter to Glenn about what he's done and how it's affected me. He wants me to go into more detail about Glenn and the abuse. Ah man. How painful. But, Dr. Q is good in the way that he's able to give me a different perspective than just what I always feel and rehash to myself. I don't want to think about Glenn and the abuse. I want it to go away forever and never come back. But, I am stronger now and I hope that I can get through these next few weeks. I'm putting off writing the letter but I guess I will try to start. Dr. Q says I can be empowered by forgiving Glenn.

I've been feeling anxious the last little while. I'm not sure why. Things are going good and my relationship with Al is good. My meds are stable. I feel insecure. I feel like the bottom of my life is dropping out although I'm not sure why. I think it has to do with the anger about Glenn and the abuse I've had. Just the fact that the gov't doesn't agree with me hurts so deep. That's twice this gov't has robbed me! I love Canada but I hate some of it's unjust laws. Canada, how could you rob me of this right to think and feel. My goodness, "Cause and Effect" thinking doesn't even begin in a person's life until they're 16! How can a 14 year old make a rational decision with a man of influence 9 years older on what to do sexually?! And when that man has told her to lie to her parents because all adults do. And when that man has psychologically manipulated me into believing that he wouldn't be my friend or like me if I wasn't sexual with him!! That's abuse when I'm young, naive and he's 9 years older. That's abuse and I don't care how stupid Canada law is. They're the ones misguided. And they've robbed me and probably others of a fair trial.

Part of me is glad because I don't want Glenn going to jail. He's tried to start his life over again after attempting suicide 5 years ago. And he hasn't been in a relationship with any girl for over 8 years because of his past. So, I think he's really changed. At least he's trying to make clean start. I don't want to hinder him on his search for a better & more productive life. Although I do want some justice and peace. But maybe I don't have to go through the court system for that justice and peace. I just need to give myself justice by validating myself and giving myself the best chance for a good future. I will try to make it up to myself and give myself that which Glenn could not...protection, love, security, acceptance, truth and grace. Who needs Glenn when I have myself to give that to myself. I know God would want it that way. I know that He loves me. I know that He says I'm worth something. I know that God wants me to have peace and will ultimately give me the justice I so hunger for in my heart. He will repay and He will reward. He is the judge and Glenn can not escape him. So, if anything, I pity Glenn and hope that he can have a better life from now on. A life on the right path...for both of us.