More venting
Hello, Al! I emailed you a couple of times this morning but one of the emails bounced back to me from your account. I'm not sure which one it was.
Anyway, I'm feeling better today. I am glad that I stood up for myself but I regret using such harsh words towards my mom in yesterday's blog. Oh another thing she did...Just before she went into the washroom, I asked her to keep the door shut because the hamster was out in her ball. In all fairness, I may not have been that clear. But you can imagine my shock when after they left, I realize the door was left open by my mom and my hamster was probably in that room roaming around. And she tries to tell me that she does listen to me. I told her she doesn't listen to me and she kept insisting, "I do listen!!!" (That was just before she asked me if the picture of Colin & Jessica was of my friend Krista.) I need my space and I think she should respect that. I'm not ready to talk to her yet. She has to respect that I need my space from her...I'm not in an emotional state where I can handle more of her rudeness. Am I a bad daughter and doing something bad? I know she would want to make me feel like one. But, I just don't want any of her guilt trips or her trying to appease her conscience without really looking at the issue. I don't want to be taken for a ride and be invalidated or manipulated. I deserve better than that and I need to create my own boundaries. This is what feels safe to me, not out of rejection, bitterness or vengence but out of my needs, what I can handle and what I actually require to process, adjust and create a safe place for me. I can't talk to her now. I am not going to feel bad about treating myself with respect. I am not going to feel bad about not disrespecting myself and invalidating myself just to appease HER conscience. If she really loved me, she would understand and want me to respect myself, my opinions and my needs.
It's so strange because I know that my mother-in-law presented with the same situation would have acted so completely different. She would have looked at the picture, commented on it, asked about our relationship to the people in the picture and really reflected deeply into the relationship & picture. By so doing, she would find out the most interesting things about our friends. And then, the next time we talked with her, she would probably ask, "How is Colin, Jessica & Fiona?" So polar opposite of each other!! Part of me wishes I grew up in Al's family...but then I couldn't marry Al and it would be weird...that thought only goes so far before I realize it wouldn't work. But, I know I wouldn't have had the emotional problems and scars that I have had to bear if I grew up in Al's family.
One thing issue that runs in my parents' family is disrespect. My dad doesn't respect my mom and vice versa. My mom doesn't respect me or my brother. There just doesn't seem to be a lot of respect at all in my family. It's devestating. It would be almost better if they just fought & worked on it OR separated. Not live in such a constant toxic environment pretending everything is fine while they actually resent each other! They made a decision when I was young to stay together for us. But, honestly, I don't think they did us much of a favour by staying together. I don't think they handled their marriage well nor the raising of us. I just don't think they're able to really handle life.
Anyway, I'm feeling better today. I am glad that I stood up for myself but I regret using such harsh words towards my mom in yesterday's blog. Oh another thing she did...Just before she went into the washroom, I asked her to keep the door shut because the hamster was out in her ball. In all fairness, I may not have been that clear. But you can imagine my shock when after they left, I realize the door was left open by my mom and my hamster was probably in that room roaming around. And she tries to tell me that she does listen to me. I told her she doesn't listen to me and she kept insisting, "I do listen!!!" (That was just before she asked me if the picture of Colin & Jessica was of my friend Krista.) I need my space and I think she should respect that. I'm not ready to talk to her yet. She has to respect that I need my space from her...I'm not in an emotional state where I can handle more of her rudeness. Am I a bad daughter and doing something bad? I know she would want to make me feel like one. But, I just don't want any of her guilt trips or her trying to appease her conscience without really looking at the issue. I don't want to be taken for a ride and be invalidated or manipulated. I deserve better than that and I need to create my own boundaries. This is what feels safe to me, not out of rejection, bitterness or vengence but out of my needs, what I can handle and what I actually require to process, adjust and create a safe place for me. I can't talk to her now. I am not going to feel bad about treating myself with respect. I am not going to feel bad about not disrespecting myself and invalidating myself just to appease HER conscience. If she really loved me, she would understand and want me to respect myself, my opinions and my needs.
It's so strange because I know that my mother-in-law presented with the same situation would have acted so completely different. She would have looked at the picture, commented on it, asked about our relationship to the people in the picture and really reflected deeply into the relationship & picture. By so doing, she would find out the most interesting things about our friends. And then, the next time we talked with her, she would probably ask, "How is Colin, Jessica & Fiona?" So polar opposite of each other!! Part of me wishes I grew up in Al's family...but then I couldn't marry Al and it would be weird...that thought only goes so far before I realize it wouldn't work. But, I know I wouldn't have had the emotional problems and scars that I have had to bear if I grew up in Al's family.
One thing issue that runs in my parents' family is disrespect. My dad doesn't respect my mom and vice versa. My mom doesn't respect me or my brother. There just doesn't seem to be a lot of respect at all in my family. It's devestating. It would be almost better if they just fought & worked on it OR separated. Not live in such a constant toxic environment pretending everything is fine while they actually resent each other! They made a decision when I was young to stay together for us. But, honestly, I don't think they did us much of a favour by staying together. I don't think they handled their marriage well nor the raising of us. I just don't think they're able to really handle life.
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