Medals of honour

Thank you, firstly, to Polar Bear and Scattered Thoughtz! I really appreciate your comments. It helps to know that I'm not alone! Your kindness is really a huge encouragement!:)

I'm going to see my psychologist this Wendesday afternoon and I think he is doing the Dialectical therapy. And I'm trying to make an appointment with Dr. U, a psychiatrist at the North York General Hospital. I've never seen a psychiatrist before, but I'm sure it'll be good. I saw my family doctor and she didn't think I had Borderline Personality, but I took everything she said with a grain of salt. She specializes in general health and not in psychology. Oh well. I know she cares and she's referred me to Dr. U, which is what matters. I still like her a lot!

I went away to a retreat this week. It was quiet and nice. I realized that I'm shy. I like meeting new people but I tend to be a bit insecure around new people. I always thought I was so outgoing and liked meeting new people. Anyway, so it was a bit stressful, being around a group of people that I didn't know very well. But, I made it through and it was relaxing to sleep and just hang out. I got to connect with some people that I haven't seen in a while. I think one guy, who's in my husband's men's fellowship, looked at me a bit weird, like "You're psycho! You're putting such stress on your husband! What's your problem." But, again, I have to check with reality and say to myself, that he never said it outloud. And if he is thinking anything, it's probably, "Are you okay? Is your husband okay? How can I relate to or help you?" He's a pretty nice guy but his wife is like ... superwife. She's stunningly beautiful, rich, prim & proper and looks like she has it all together. Of course looks can be deceiving. But, I guess I'm just a bit insecure about the whole BPD and people finding out about it. And I have to realize as Dr. Q says, that I have an internal critic that I have to keep in check. Go away internal critic! I hate you! I won't listen to you!

I've entitled this blog as Medals of honour. This week, I was trying to pray and dialogue out the abuse I faced as a young teenager. I told myself that what happened wasn't my fault. I had to see Glenn as the abuser and a sick person. I mean, he really was psycho. Now, as an adult, I can't imagine what he was thinking to try to be sexually involved with a young teenager as an adult. I realized that sometimes I flipped back and forth between, it was his fault and it was partially my fault (in my heart). I made an agreement with myself to tell myself ONLY the truth...that Glenn was the abuser and the sick person. He is like one of the psychos you see on the news. It wasn't my fault. All the evidence is there that he lured me, groomed me and wanted to sexually abuse me. It was his fault and he is sick. That is the truth and I will keep telling myself the truth and not flip-flop back and forth between who's fault it was. Obviously, a 23- 25 year old is not naturally attracted to a 14-16 year old. It's just so unnatural and so wrong. Anyone can see that he's a sicko. Anyway, as I was praying and spending time alone thinking about this topic, a thought suddenly occured to me. I think it was God. The thought was that the abuse should be worn (metaphorically) as armour or on the outside as an indication of what's happened. I needed to think of the abuse like a medal that war veterans get for bravery. I needed a medal to say, "I survived sexual abuse!" It gave me a whole new perspective of looking at the abuse. Although it's still very painful and I have tonnes of anger, rage and hurt inside, it does help to think, "Wow! I've been made it through this horrible thing." I've accomplished something. I was thinking of doing something creative, like a quilt or painted stones, to represent the sexual abuse that I've gone through to be able to be proud of what I've actually come through. So, I'm trying to think of the abuse as a medal of honour.

I hope anyone who reads this blog and has gone through hard times can also think of themselves as war veterans and heros in their own lives.

Grieving

Al & I talked last night about the dream I had. He said it may be true that I do have a lot of grief. I thought about my past experiences and realized that it's only within the past couple years that I've really grieved about issues. It's like I didn't know how to complete the grieving process when I was little. So, I've had years and years of grief locked up inside of me. I just would get stuck in the anger - grief phase and not finish all the way through to acceptance. Al & I talked about things that happened to me over 15 years ago that really hurt me that I've never really dealt with. Also, he listened to me share about how difficult it was for me when I was 15 years old. I felt so alone. No one was helping me get better. No one cared, or knew how to care for me. So, I was overwhelmed by the feelings of abuse, grieving my grandfather's deaths and yet still dealing with all these feelings of anger and sadness alone. I modelled my dad's behaviour of keeping it all to himself and not crying in front of anyone. So, I would just cry alone. And I held it all inside. Al was like the first person who really listened to me about all the past and helped me grieve. He said it was okay to cry and grieve. So, I shared about my hammie.

I miss Jubilee soooo much. She was the sweetest little hamster that ever lived! She was so adorable, affectionate and loveable! I still miss her so much. It's been about 6-7 months since she died. It seems like longer. But, it's only been half a year. I miss cuddling up with her on the couch and both of us falling asleep together. I miss seeing her run around and quickly scurry around the corners of the living room. Al suggested buying a garden stake or figurine for my parent's garden where we buried her. Then, we could always have a memorial for her. I like that idea. It will help keep her memory alive. It will help us remember how special she was to us. Al said that when we have kids, we can tell them about Jubilee and what a special hamster she was. That will be good. Maybe there's something else I could do too. One book suggested donating a book to the library dedicated to her. I'm not sure about that. Maybe I could donate money to the Links where they put her to sleep and cared for her in her last days. I don't know about a memory box. She was a joy to be around and she was so trusting and affectionate. We really bonded. I don't know right now but maybe I'll think of something else to help keep her memory alive and do what she would want me to do.

I better go.

True Reality

Reading today from Matthew 14. I had to catch up on some of my devos. Answer to prayer is that people at church seemed a bit more alive spiritually and eager!:)

Jesus Walks on Water (verses 22-36)
The disciples were freaked out because they were in a huge storm and probably thought they may die. Jesus had already calmed a storm while he was on board, but now He was not there with them. When Jesus did appear, they thought he was a ghost and were even more freaked out. Jesus said to Simon after he started sinking and looking at the waves around him, "'Why did you doubt me?'".

In the same way, the circumstances of my life are so chaotic and freaky. I could stare at my problems, be overwhelmed and think it's hopeless. But, the disciples weren't even looking for Jesus. If they did, they probably would have recognized him earlier. In the same way, I need to look for Jesus in my life. I need to keep my focus and attention on Jesus, the Truth. The Truth is that even if it doesn't seem like it, Jesus is the healer. Jesus loves me. Jesus cares for me. I am special to him. He listens to me. He will help me in all my troubles. He will save me, restore me and build me back together again. He can do the impossible. He gave life to Lazurus, who was dead. He can surely give healing to me from BPD. That is the truth! That is who Jesus is and what He's all about - heaing, saving loving and helping people. So, I have a choice to either stare at my circumstances or at the Truth of Jesus. I need to look for Jesus in my life and keep looking at Him. I don't deny what's going on in my life, I just acknowledge it and then acknowledge that nothing is impossible with God! That is my true reality!

Dreams

I had strange dreams last night. I dreamed that I needed to grieve for things that were sad in my life. I needed to let go. In my dreams I knew that I was too afraid to cry and let go of the relationships, sad things, etc. because I thought it would be too much. But now, I had this accumulation of losses that I hadn't let go of and everytime another sad or stressful thing happened, I couldn't handle it because I had hit the limit. I dreamed that it was partly because culturally or the way I learned to deal with things was to "sweep them under the carpet". And also the other part was because I thought I was too weak to handle the grief. In my dream, I realized that I just had a mountain of grief that I needed to grieve for and let go of so they didn't keep piling up. Wow! If that's true. Maybe I need to learn to grieve and let go of things.

Bla Bla Bla

It's Friday and I'm so glad to be done work soon. Although it's not stressful, I'm still thankful to have the freedom to sleep and relax. I felt very encouraged by God yesterday. During and after prayer meeting, my hubby& I felt such a peace. Then, it was so cool because for my devotionals, I was reading Exodus when Moses was helping the Israelites escape from Pharoah. But, Pharoah wouldn't let them go and made things worse for the Israelites. It was encouraging because I feel that's what's going on at my church. I believe this is a year of victory, joy and deliverance, yet many seem to be dragging spiritually. Then, I realize, it's because the Enemy feels such pressure that he's scared and is trying to put extra pressure on us. But, like in Exodus, God's word is true & faithful. Deliverance, victory and freedom occurs. So, my husband and I were encouraged because we know God is going to bring about a great deliverance, victory & freedom this year! We are certain. And we can encourage others likewise.

I'm still research on BPD. I can't wait to get the books from the library so I can find out more. Dr. Q gave me a handout. It was actually really helpful. One exercise was to let your mind be an observer of your thoughts. I realized that I spent a lot of time worrying about myself. I worried that I would be okay. I got a theory in my head. Maybe when I was little because I was neglected a bit that I spent a lot of time worrying about if I would be okay and who would take care of me. But, I spent last night reassuring myself instead that I would take care of myself. I promised that I would look after my needs and take care of myself that night so I didn't have to worry. Also, I noticed that when I had negative thoughts about myself, an automatic thought of anger would rise up from my stomach. Wow! I felt violated and upset by my own thinking. I do love myself and care about myself. So, the solution was I had to stop the wrong & negative thinking because it upset me! It was reassuring to know that I do care about myself and I do value myself. My actions of self-abuse must stem from some other desparate plea or reasoning that is quite overpowering. I'm not sure form what or why, yet, but I guess it doesn't matter. I'm working on it slowly and I have support to help me along. Already I'm making good progress and I'm proud of myself.

Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder. Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. Smack! Bringing me down. Yet, I strangely feel lifted up and hopeful. Hopeful that there is an understanding or a commonality between me and at least some others in this world. If others were sick with BPD and recovered, than I can too. Although the road ahead may be long and ardous, I know that I will overcome and win this battle. I am determined to beat this thing and even if it's not until Heaven that I am fully restored, I will overcome. Although I feel like I am walking around with a limp or disability, I know that I can still soar in my own sort of way. I know that I can still make a difference in people's lives in a positive manner. I believe that I will get better and have a wonderful future. I can not believe otherwise. This is my resolve. To get better and to help others heal, too.