BETTER

Just in case you read this blog! I'm better now! I feel better than I have in a long, long time! I feel like I'm free to be me again! Finally, less running around doing things and more time to just relax, spend time in prayer and doing my purpose in life - PRAYING! How cool is that?!!

I can tell the borderline is flaring up. Traumatic weekend.
Last time at NCAC and Al played softball against his ex-girlfriend.

Feeling overwhelmed by emotion, inferiority and emptiness. Numb. Numb. Numb.

I watched Lord of the Rings to push away the pain. Anything to avoid how desparately lonely and sad I feel inside. I didn't want to talk to Al. I just wanted to be alone and spend time zoning out.

Joy & Pain

My last Sunday at NCAC will be this Sunday. Al & I are trying to write about 60 letters this week. I still have about 55 to do today and tomorrow. I just hope this Sunday goes well. I really want it to be a time of sharing, intimacy and cherishing. I don't want people to rush off or treat it like no big deal. Me, too. I want to be in the moment and cry while I'm there. I don't want to hide my emotions or run from them. I just want to feel them and just let whatever happens happen. The biggest thing I want to share is...how much I truly love and appreciate them from the bottom of my heart. That's what I desire to share. That's my goal. To let them know that in the roughest times, they helped carry me. I want to share what they mean to me. (Note to self- Bring kleenex!)

Urg. I've been pushing away my emotions for so long. Arg. The pain I feel inside at the thought of going is sooo incomprehensible. I ache inside. I feel like a mother cow or horse who's baby has just been taken away. I want to yell, scream and cry for them back. No! They can't take my babies away from me! That's how I feel inside. Anguish. They're taking away my kids. They mean so much to me. How can I let go? Anger. Rage. Why must I go?

At the same time, I feel such a deep sense of peace and joy in leaving and going back to my home church, ACTS. I'm exciting about growing in my faith and prayer. I feel like this is what God truly wants for my life and it will be such a welcome change in our life to be ministered to instead of always giving. As well, it will be a blessing to spend more time with Al instead of having opposite schedules. Then, Al & I will build a stronger marriage in which to raise kids. I will reconnect with old friends at ACTS and grow in relationship with God (which is the most important thing to me). And I will be able to still keep in contact with people from NCAC. I kept having dreams that everywhere I went, NCAC people were there with me. It was comforting to know that wherever I go, I will always carry them with me.

Well, that's the story. Work is good...slow, but good. I'm going on vacation July 1-11th. Al & I will go camping so I'm really looking forward to that time away. Then, back to the grind for another school year.

Not Pregnant!

Definitely not pregnant! Maybe I just had the flu?! I missed my period on Monday and took a test this morning. I'm glad that I'm not pregnant. Al can go to teacher's college in Sept. 06 and we can get pregnant when he has a steady job! It'll work out better!

Negative Result?

Greetings to all in Blogger Land!

I took an early detecting pregnancy test this morning and it came back NEGATIVE! Ah!! I'm feeling disappointed, scared, confused and unsure of the accuracy of the results. This morning Al & I sat and talked about how we were doing. I said that I wondered if all my "pregnancy symptoms" were imagined or if I brought them on by some psychological manipulation. He said he doubted it. Then, I convinced myself that I wasn't pregnant. I took a steamy shower (I've been avoiding hot showers!), had a 1/2 cup of coffee and still cautiously took my pre-natal vitamin. Then, as I was brushing my teeth and absorbing this disheartening news, I started to gag. I dry heaved and was felt so nauseous!

I'm going to wait a week and see if I get my period on Sunday as scheduled. I don't have my usual PMS signs, so I'm not sure when it will come. But, maybe next Friday if I don't get my period, I will take another test. Emotionally, I'm expecting it to be negative, but there's still that hope that it could turn out positive.

It was good to talk to Al because he said that he would be really happy to try to start a family and think about a career in teaching over the next few years. It was planned before that he would go to teacher's college in Fall 2006 and then get pregnant after he was done. I would be 32 but that's okay with me because it helps accomplish his dream and helps me continue to recover emotionally/mentally. Now, Al wants to have a family and think about starting teacher's college in Fall 06 in night school format or for the 2006 or 2007 year.

When I took the test this morning I felt like I just had to trust in God. Whatever He wanted would happen. If I was pregnant, but I got a false negative test result, it would have been worth the distress because I would know that Al really wanted this child and he/she didn't ruin his dreams of becoming a teacher. He really would have chosen to have a child over a teaching career at this point in life. That's positive and a load of burden off my shoulders.

I'll keep everyone updated.

Pregnant?

I can't believe it. I have all the signs. Cramping in my female area, like PMS, nausea, heartburn, sore nipples, exhaustion & peeing often. Ah! My normal PMS signs of tender breasts aren't appearing as scheduled. These pregnancy signs I've been experiencing are so atypical of my body. My period is due this Sunday and I will take an early diagnostic test on Friday or Saturday morning. Al & I have taken a laxidasical approach to birth control since we do want kids! But, I was starting to wonder if something was wrong when I hadn't gotten pregnant while not using birth control for about 4 years! We were going to wait a year and a half until Al was done teacher's college, but I guess we'll have to make some rearrangements in our plans. Being pregnant would be a dream come true! I've wanted to be a mom since I was a little girl.

I think it just sunk in last night that if I'm pregnant than in 8 1/2 months, there will be another human being in this world! A precious little boy or girl that will belong to our family! (Actually, it hasn't fully sunk in.) Up until this point, I've been focusing on being pregnant and what that means over the next 81/2 months. (Feeling like you have PMS, the flu & exhaustion all at once that you can't take medicine for and how I will survive it!)

Al & I talked about boys names as we can't agree on one. But for a girl's name, we like Kaylyn. Al & I both say we don't care if it's a boy or girl, which is true, but we both long for a girl.

OK. Time to blog here again.

I helped organize a goodbye & thank you lunch for my boss, Bill. We signed a card and I think it helped all of us in our grieving. It helped us to say thank you and bring something positive out of the goodbye. I'm starting to learn that there are things that can be done that are positive in the midst of horrible stuff. I've never done that before, but it really helps. For my church, I want to do something too, but I'm not sure exactly what. I want to get a muriel or wall hanging recounting all the good things God has done while we were at NCAC. Eg. Like a baby born at 1 1/2 pounds at only 25 weeks of living in the womb was born very prematurely. Her chance of making it was only 50-50. And she made it through! She's healthy and catching up on all the developmental stuff. It was rough there for a while, but God pulled her through. Other miracles are like the birth of another baby, Brian. As well, people being baptized, coming to trust in Jesus as Lord & Saviour, and celebrating all the new comers. I'm not sure how to convey all those ideas and memories in a visual way, though.

I had a difficult night last night. I was tired. But, now that I look back, I realize that it was my inner critic. It appears sometimes as a question rather than an accusation or seem to be based in rationality. "Well, then Al must find you disgusting." "Do you think you're good enough for Al?" Even if Al was to confirm that these were lies, I couldn't shake it out of my head. Now, I realize it was my inner critic and the problem is gone because my inner critic doesn't have any validity in my books. It's small and based in lies. It just wants to bring me down. I hate this inner critic. So, I'm okay. It's not me thinking these things and they're not based in reality. They're from my inner critic who is just a big meanie!

OK... Canadian Idol is totally not as good as American Idol. I'm not as into Canadian Idol anymore. It's getting blah. I really wanted Bo Bice to win on American Idol! Arg! Kerry was good, really good. But, my favourite was Bo Bice.