Rejected

My husband thinks I'm immature. Later he confessed that my actions were immature but his exact words were, "You are an immature 2 year old." I realize that the one person I truly love may not respect me. How can he judge me when he's grown up in a family that is emotionally mature and healthy? I grew up with abuse and neglect. How can he judge me for not knowing how to express my emotions? How dare he! I'm very angry at him.

All the fears came out today. Fears that he doesn't love me, that he would leave me, and that he doesn't want to be married to me.

I try to run from these emotions so I hurt myself. I regress into self destruction instead of facing the pain I feel. I feel rejected by the one I love.

It reminds me of when I was 15. That was the toughest year I've faced so far. The person I loved at the time did not love me. He had rejected me. I faced so much pain. He was abusing me because he was 9 years older than me. But, what did I know about how a 24 year old would think. All I knew was that I was devoted to this one person who I cared about more than anything else in the world. And he did not want to be with me. He never said why except that I was too young. But, that didn't stop him sometimes. I figured it must have had to do with me. I felt so empty and alone inside. I couldn't shake the depression I felt. I was so abandoned and rejected. Nothing could ease my pain. Was I a fool? Self condemnation was so strong.

I guess I don't like to think about that pain. I just shove aside that part of my past. I compartmentalize my life and that abuse was in another world. Yet, it's a part of who I am today and the pain is still so real.

My avoidance would be to end it all. The avoidance of the pain inside. But, if I was more courageous, I would just face the pain and rejection. I am scared. I am scared.

Pain Eternal?

I know about those black holes where all the unlearned stuff goes!! It seems to have disappeared from my mind...grounding myself, staying detached emotionally when I feel overwhelmed, use rational mind to find wise mind...

Aren't these all management tools? Do you think there's ever a way to find the real solution so that there is a change deep within someone's heart and mind? My psychologist told me to not delve into the past to go looking to straighten things out. Well, I made that mistake this weekend.

I was at a church retreat and they had a great video on loss. The guy in the video talked about however you feel when you loose someone, eg. numb, angry, sad, etc., it's okay. You have to let it out. If you stuff your feelings, then it can turn into bitterness. And to know that God is in the process of restoring you. As well, the speaker talked about not holding on to anger. Well, I thought I should just revisit how I was feeling.

I realized that deep inside I carry pain, sadness and anger...all the time. I can be happy on the outside and feeling good about the future but still this wound exists. No matter where I go, I still feel this pain deep in my heart. I'm not crazy, I'm broken. I'm not loopy, I'm just hurt. Our personhood wasn't meant to go through so much agony like abuse. How does one really heal? If I express my pain like I did this weekend, it almost drove me over the edge (if I didn't go there). I have so much anger, pain and sadness. Can I cry until all the pain comes out? Or will I simply be bleeding myself to death?

I think part of the problem is that I just buried all my feelings as a teenager. Now, that I'm older, they're still there. They do come up from time to time.

Believing for Something Better

I'm doing better. I'm not feeling as depressed. It was just hard to leave family and come back to work! Yuck!

I emailed my mom telling her how I felt ignored by her. She apologized and said she really loved me. It was very positive.

I'm reading a book called "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer. It's really good and I think it will help me emotionally. I'm also trying to spend more time with God in prayer and Bible reading. It's helping a lot. I feel so good, energized, happy and at peace when I pray. I feel like God just wants to bless me. I feel truly loved and cherished. It's funny how both at work, at church and in my Bible reading, the same themes keep popping up. That's one of the ways, I know God is trying to teach me something. One thing I'm learning about is from Luke 1:72 about how God is faithful even if we're not faithful. He promises to love us no matter how unfaithful we are to Him. He is in covenant with us. Covenant means we share all our resources, all our finances, and are committed to each other. Like marriage. Well, God is in covenant with us when we invite Him into our hearts. So we share in His righteousness, glory, inheritance, blessings, promises, power, and everything that's His - everything!! And He gets all our guilt, condemnation, shame, fear, pain and sin...that's why He died on the cross for us. I mean He took it for us and then God punished Him on the cross for what we had done. He took the punishment that I deserved...that all of humanity deserved. Isn't it amazing??!! God loves us so much that He died for us!!! Well, anyway, I just think it's wonderful that we're in covenant with God and we definitely get the better deal!!! We really have nothing to offer the God of the Universe!!! But, He has everything to offer us!! So, I'm learning about God's wonderful, faithful love to me regardless of my behaviour, actions or attitudes! Amazing!!! Purely amazing!!!

Well, I do have my ups and downs. I'm not perfect. I do struggle with intense emotions and at times they're so intense I don't know what to do with them!! I want to scream, cry, hit something and even hurt myself.

Oh...another exciting theme that keeps popping up too...from Luke 1 "Nothing is impossible with God!" OK. If He is God and created the WHOLE universe and He is all powerful and He can make a virgin girl pregnant with a member of the Triune God, He can heal me of mental problems! If he created all the healthy brains and hearts in this world, if he can heal people and fix people...surely He can heal me! If he is constantly creating new life, surely he can recreate in me a new brain and a new emotional thought pattern. Well, that's what I'm believing and praying for...a new brain, thought pattern and an end to these emotional meltdowns! Of course I'll have bad days, but where little things won't set me off to feel like a complete failure, want to act extremely violent, or send me to depression. There must be a way to rewire my brain. If nothing is impossible with God and He heals and creates, surely this is an easy and manageable request! Well, stay tuned and you'll find out!!