Miscarriage

My sister-in-law is having a miscarriage. It's been difficult for her and the family. I feel so sorry for her. She's a million miles from her home country, her parents, her sisters and her closest friends while going through what's got to be the hardest thing in her life.

On Saturday she took this pill to make her miscarriage come out. She started bleeding. On Tuesday night, my brother called me in a panic saying that she was in intense pain and then passed this 8 cm by 3 cm thing. It was the right size for a 12 week old fetus, it had a cord attached to it but there was no shape to it. It didn't have arms, legs or eyes. By 12 weeks all of that should have been formed. But they were totally shocked because they only saw a line in the ultrasound the week before. Their OB said the fetus was aborbed in the blood. They didn't expect this big thing to come out. She'll get more updates this afternoon. I hope they find answers to their questions because the doctors keep confusing them with opposing information about the failed pregnancy. Then the OB didn't properly prepare them for what to expect when actually having this miscarriage. I am not impressed with the service they're receiving.

I think the hardest thing for me is that I don't know how to talk about my feelings regarding this issue. I shut down emotionally. I'm not sure how to talk about it. I'm devestated. I'm so hurt. I'm shocked, upset, scared and hopeful all at the same time. I have to go to work and I'm feeling so cruddy inside. I'm feeling so down. I know I can just be myself and not have to put on a show for anyone. But, I can't mope either!

On the positive side, at least my sister-in-law isn't in pain anymore. She's not bleeding more and her temperature is normal. Hopefully the miscarriage is now complete.

This morning I read Psalm 42 & 43 and it echoed how I feel.
Psalm 42:5 "Why am I discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again-my Saviour and my God! Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember your kindness..."
Psalm 42:8a "Through each day the LORD pours his unfailing love upon me..."
Psalm 43:3 "Send out your light and your truth; let them guide me. Let them lead me to your holy mountain, to the place where you live."

I feel so discouraged, sad and grieved inside. But at the same time, I also recognize and feel this wonderful love and grace from God. I feel hopeful like things are going to be okay. There is no explanation why I felt so horrible Wednesday morning and then why after Al started praying for me I started feeling much better except for God is answering Al's prayer. God loves me, I'm sure. God loves Al, I'm sure. He cares about us. That is so great to recognize that God loves me. I'm so awed by it! I guess at least it's not all bad. And hopefully these good feelings will outweigh the bad ones. And hopefully, I will get more and more good days. And hopefully a greater good will come out of this tragedy.

I guess I'm starting to work through it. Thanks for listening.

My Post

OK. Thank you for your encouargement and wise words. My marriage isn't falling apart. Al & I had a heart-to-heart. He's been pretty stressed about work lately and his mind was on work more than on home. But, it's funny, now that his priorities are straight, work seems to be going better. Isn't that always the way?!

My grandma is home with some extra services at her senior's apartment complex. She's doing well and recovered better than expected. My small group from church was praying for her and I am sure that made the difference!

There's air con. being installed at work!! Yes!!

I've been Paxil free now for six days. I'm feeling fine physically. I've had some small waves of panic hit me over the last couple of days, but I know that happens as the medicine leaves my body. As well, I've been feeling down the last few days. I'm trying to get some St. John's Wort tea.

I had a bad nightmare last night. The funny thing is that I think the movie "Win a Date with Ted Hamilton" is what gave me the nightmare. It brought back memories of the abuse for me. I don't want to go into details but it reminded me of the power that the abuser had over my life and how wrong it was for an older man of 23 to start dating a 14 year old. He really only had one agenda and I was too young to know it. It brought back anger towards the abuser for the wrong he did to me. It seems so clear after watching the movie how wrong it is to destroy the innocence of a young girl when you have already slept with so many other girls and you are just looking for the next thrill. Anyway, so I had bad dreams last night about a girl who had been sexually abused since she was a child. I felt such fear. When I woke up I tried not to think about it.

I've been feeling sad lately. On Sunday, I went to the old church where I used to go. I really, really missed everyone and just being there. It was fun to be there and hang out with my old pals. They will always be my friends and I will always love them. I know that Al & I can't really stay there but my heart has a hard time to accept that fact. It's good that we're still getting together though for bbqs and stuff like that. I love my new church because I really feel like I'm connecting with God and really growing in passion for Him. I feel challenged and people are like-minded in terms of theology. But, there's not the same family feel except within my small group. Even at that, I don't really know people well like at my old church. At my old church, people would goof off, play video games together, play hockey till late at night and just be silly together. At my new church, people are more "sophisticated" and I feel like everyone has huge walls around them. Like no one wants to really get to know you. People are friendly and I've known a lot of them for years but I still don't feel like I KNOW them. However, on the upside I guess I can be glad that I have a group of buddies I can hang out with and another group of friends that I can be challenged by spiritually. I can learn from both groups. The first group, I learn to be myself and how to be a community that loves each other. The second group, I learn to love God and how to extend friendship first. I guess I am blessed to have such a full life.

Al & I had a good heart-to-heart tonight. He loves me. I think sometimes he is just a guy and doesn't know how to communicate like a girl in terms of empathy and listening skills. I better go, he wants to go to bed and he's sick.

See you later!