Paxil & anxiety

My bro & sister-in-law are back from Japan! It's so good to see them! We had a good banquet for them last Saturday.

I'm going to my family doctor today. I'm going to ask if I can lower my 10 mg. Paxil dose slowly until I'm off it. I will ask for liquid Paxil or to cut my pills. I hope she is okay with either of those options. If I need to be on it, that's fine. I will stay. But if I don't then I'd rather be off it while I have babies.

My one issue that I'm most concerned about in coming off Paxil is anxiety. I think the cutting and self abuse is under control with the therapy I've received. But, it's the anxiety I sometimes experience that I hope is okay. Now, I'm so thankful that I can go shopping, stay in closed environments and other potentially "threatening" environments and I'm fine. No panic attacks anymore.

I think one reason I get panicky is that I feel I must control my environment to stay safe. I think after the sexual abuse, I wanted to control my environment and external factors to avoid the pain of abuse. However, that's impossible and stressful. I can't try to control things that are out of my control! It's such an oxymoron. So, now I want to give up trying to control my environment and just roll with the punches. Live life and just let it happen. It's more relaxing that way! I can't control if I'm abused or not by another's sick person's intention. I can take steps to protect myself and that's what I must focus my energy on instead of control. I can focus on being assertive, loving, caring, not walking alone at night, being watchful, listening to my instincts, guard who I am close friends with and not taking unnecessary risks. That's more protective than to try to control my environment. Lord protect me, I pray.

Storm

There was a huge storm last Friday in Toronto. For a city not used to experiencing tornados or extreme storms, we were in for a shock. On Friday around 3:00 there was a lot of showers, lightening and thunder. It seemed pretty typical until around 3:45pm when it got really intense. I received an email around 3:45pm stating that there was a tornado warning in effect. The signs of a tornado were the following: heavy winds, heavy rains, greenish sky and hail. I look outside, "Wow! It looks pretty green. It's definitely raining hard and there are heavy winds." So, I go to the basement and a bunch of co-workers and students are also there. We look at a basement window and half of it was covered with water! Hail, the size of a computer mouse were seen. Water started pouring into the basement. Where we were standing started flooding. I heard our engineer say "There are recepticles on this wet floor. We need the electricity cut off now." Then all the staff were asked to proceed to the basement and then because of lack of room with the flooding, back up to the first floor away from windows. It was craziness. We were joking and trying to make light of it all but it was very scary. The scariest moment was when I first went down to the basement and we were all taking about our loved ones. I couldn't get a hold of Al and he should have been arriving home from the bus stop around that time. I could just picture him helping out some old lady or escorting someone home. So, I was worried that he was in an unprotected area and risking his life to help someone else. That's when I got really worried. That was the scariest part. Then, the hail and rain died down a bit and we were told we could go back to work. So, everyone was relieved but the flooding had taken it's toll. The main road out of our workplace had turned into a river. No one could leave. A car was in up to its wheels in flood water. No one could even walk across it because it was rushing water. So, everyone was telling one another the best routes out....driving through the park. Everyone went in and out through the park. I waited until around 7:30 at my friend's house until I knew I could get home safely. Both roads I usually take home were backed up and in low lying areas that would have been flooded. I got home safely as I took a round a bout route that was on higher ground. I saw about 15 cars that were either stalled or in accidents on my normally 10 minute drive home from work. I had helped clean up the flood waters in the basement and my sandals were gross. I haven't worn them since. My feet were stained with something black. And as I drove home, I teared up thinking about how scared I was that something could have happened to Al or I. I got home safely. The next day though I heard horrible stories. My co-worker's basement was flooded up to her waist! The cars were floating around in the garage. Another friend had their basement flooded and raw sewage went into their home. Gross!! It's suppose to wreak!! The tenents (also my friends) were asked to move out as soon as possible, but now they need to find a place to live just before school starts! My church was flooded and church was cancelled. Church is back on this Sunday but no kids ministry in the basement.

It was so scary. But one thing that really struck me was how great it is to work in a community like I do. Everyone was helping each other, looking out for one another, trying to help where they could and being like family. That was really neat to see.

Update

Going to a retreat with my new church this weekend. It's suppose to be overcast but oh well, it will just be good to get away from Toronto for a while.

I haven't seen my medical doctor about weaning of Paxil yet. It's really busy in my office now and I can't take the time off work. Hopefully in September when I do shift work for a couple of days, I can take the morning to go to my family doctor. It's hard when she lives so far away and only open during my office hours. That means I can only go during non-peak periods in my office, since my work is pretty seasonal.

Al & I are still planning to have a baby soon. I can't wait. I really want to be a mom! Al got a full-time permanent job!! I'm really happy for him.

Lots of good things to look forward to:
- My brother & sister-in-law are coming to live in TO on Aug. 25th after living in Japan!
- Oct. 1st my friends Keith & Roberta are getting married. Al & I are reading scripture. Keith, the maid of honor and I all wanted to have a Star Wars theme and dress up in costume but RBA (as I call her) doesn't want that. We had it all planned!! It was so funny.
- Oct. 14th, my brother-in-law is getting married in Halifax. I get to go there. But I'm a bit nervous because there are hardly any minorities. I hate feeling like a freak show. I even heard in St. Johns (somewhere on the east coast) that they were throwing stuff at Asian people. Arg!! I don't want to be picked on, stared at or treated horribly or have my family looked down upon because I'm there. We'll see. Maybe in my Sept. 7th appointment, I can talk with Dr. Q about this.
- Nov. 22nd (hopefully the date doesn't change) I'm moving in to my new condo
- Dec. 25th - Christmas & if our place is cleaned up before then, maybe we can entertain!! Christmas parties!!! Yeah!!

Sad News

I've heard some pretty sad news over the last few days. If you remember these people in prayer, that would be great. My pastors' daughter, son-in-law and son were in a major car accident last week. The son-in-law just died on Saturday. The daughter is out of ICU but she had plastic surgery on her face/head area. The son is okay but quieter than usual.

The other sad news is that my parents-in-law were going to visit their mother in the hospital and found their brother, Philip unconscious. My grandmother, by marriage, had some strokes and needed to be in the hosptial and Philip had been left alone in the house. When my parents-in-law got to Philip's house, they found him lying on the ground unconscious. The ambulance came and he went to the hospital. The doctors said he had a stroke and was dehydrated. If my parents hadn't arrived there within the next couple of hours, he would have died. So, now Uncle Philip and grandmother are in the same hospital on the same floor. They may end up both going to the same care facility. Thank God my parents-in-law arrived when they did, though. Poor Uncle Philip. I've never met him but I'm sad for him and my family.

On the cheery side, my husband got a job offer. It's full time and close by our new condo. He has until Thursday to make a decision.

Spike, the dog we were babysitting, has been moppy all weekend. Maybe he misses us?! Poor Spikey. I love him so much!!

Feeling down. Lord Jesus - Please come and heal Philip, restore him, and my pastors' family. Physicaly, emotionally, psychologically, restore them I pray. Amen. Please comfort Grandma during this time. Bless my pastors & their family and my family too as they deal with these life circumstances. Thank you that YOU see fit to do according to Your grace, wisdom and love. Be glorified. Amen.

Friday!

Yeah! It's Friday!! It's gotten really busy at work because of the registration deadline coming up for returning students! Soon school will be bursting with students and I'll be swamped again!

One item to report. I prayed after feeling so panicky on that walk with Spike & Al and I just asked God to heal me of panic attacks. And then I went out a little while later for a walk and I felt great! No panic attacks or anything!! It was so great!! I hadn't done any other work psychologically, I just prayed!! Yeah God!! He took away the anxiety and fear!! I hope it just keeps continuing!!