Fighting

Al & I are pretty constantly fighting. He doesn't listen to me. I get angry at him not listening or not empathizing with me. Today, I said something very hurtful. I said I didn't want to be married to him. It's not really true. But, at times I wish I didn't have to put up with his lack of empathy and lack of comfort. However, I'm sure he doesn't want to put up with my confrontation. Typically he doesn't empathize well. So, I hesitate to share my deep feelings with him. Well, I decided to give it another try...I started sharing about how hurt I was inside and the abuse I went through. You know he started doing...he started trying to find socks in his drawer. He was turned away and busy trying to find his socks while I'm spilling out my guts. I got so mad. I swore I would never share anything with him again! I felt like I never wanted to talk to him! How when sharing something so painful & intimate, could he act so uninterested?!! Arg!! He's apologized. I do forgive him. But, I don't know if I trust him with my feelings.

Well, right now, there are so many feelings that I feel inside. One thought that keeps reoccuring is that I think that Glenn, the abuser, was Borderline Personality himself. He had so many of the characteristics. It makes me think "Was I just trying to imitate him and be like him...you know like stockholm syndrome?" Even though I wasn't his prisoner, I was being abused and I did look up to him. Al talked to Glenn a few years ago. But, Al never mentioned that he felt Glenn didn't have his life together still. It really upset me. Glenn sounded so changed. That at least encouraged me to know that he had come to his senses and wouldn't hurt anyone anymore. But, just recently Al mentioned that his impression was that Glenn still needed a lot of help. I thought after 4-5 years of therapy that Glenn had gone through his life was straightened out. But, maybe not. I guess he always has to live with the consequences of what he did to me and others.

Another thing that was brought up recently by a former student of mine was the death of my friend, Scott. He committed suicide while I was in LA about 8 years ago. It brought up all these painful memories. Al never told me that he used to live in dorm with Scott. So, that means Al saw him after even I last saw him. It brought up all these painful memories. What was he like? What did he say to you? I kept asking all these questions. Well, after talking with Al about it, I've been feeling really upset since that time. Oh, I really miss Scott. I wish he didn't commit suicide. He was sexually abused and his parents were divorced. He was good looking, talented musician and was a great person. Some people didn't like him but I did. We were friends. I still wish I was here and not in LA at the time of his suicide. Maybe I could have talked to him or supported him in a more tangible way. The last I heard he was trying to get an art gallery going and help sell art and donate the funds to helping homeless people. He had a good heart. I wish he didn't do it. I really wish he didn't do it. It makes me so sad that he killed himself. I wish I could have talked to him before he died.

I'm really hurting and I feel like I have no one to talk to . I just want to go home, crawl up under my duvet and cry.

At least one encouraging thing is that I don't have an urge to hrut myself! I'm not sure why and frankly, I'm stunned. Maybe between the two things going through my mind about Scott and Glenn, there is just no desire there. Yeah for that! But, I still feel hurt. Only 2 hours and 45 mins. of work left to go. See how many more "crazies" come in today!!! Arg!!!

Taking out bad seeds and sowing good seeds.

I realized early this week that there was a lot of unforgiveness I had in my heart towards myself. At age 15, I made a conscious decision to hate myself, disown myself and to abandon myself. Since then, I have felt better about myself but there was still a strong "inner critic" that often tried to put me down. Well, now, I want to forgive myself. I want to be gracious to myself. I want to forgive myself for letting the abusive relationship go on. I forgive me.

Now, I must start sowing good seeds. I must start telling myself that I love myself, I will nurture myself, I will be gracious to myself, I like myself.

Constantly, now, it's a battle to deny the lies and inner critic whenever those self-condemning thoughts come to mind. It's also a constant daily decision to say, I will love myself today. I will treat myself well today. I will protect myself. I will not harm myself. I will love me.

I hope over time, I will not get lazy and forget to do this daily. I also hope that it will become instinct and part of who I am and my self-esteem.

I can't lie. I'm not amazing. But, I love myself...At least I will try. I felt scared yesterday. I think maybe as a young child I was constantly afraid of my dad. I guess I learned to shut it out at a young age. But, that fear is still there. I had nightmares last night. I feel down. But, I'm not depressed. I just feel sad.

Last night I cried in the car with Al. It was really helpful. He listened and comforted me. It was just good to feel it all. All the pain from the abuse just came up and I cried. I can easily talk about the abuse but to feel the pain is something more difficult. I didn't block out the pain or censor it...I just cried...it felt real. I felt a release.