Find You

Wow! It's been forever since I've posted. Sometimes when I go on facebook, I get all these rushing thoughts and emotions that I just need to vent...

Trying to find you
Any hint of you from the past
My memories
Where are you?
How can I find you?

You were so small.
Nothing to show for our friendship, but my memories and some photographs.
I miss you. I want to see you. I want to know that your life turned out well.

I am good and my life is better than I could have dreamed. Although I haven't gone as far in my career as I would have dreamed as a youngster, my life isn't over. I used those key times in life to build my character and heart. Inside I am okay. I am safe. I am settled and at peace. I have found joy. I have found life. Jesus is my life and forgave my sins...the ones you all probably know about so well. He has forgiven me. He will forgive you. It's okay now. I'm okay.

I know life was crazy there for a while. You probably didn't know what happened or where the old Joanna went to. Well, I'm back and better than ever. I'm married to a wonderful man who treats me well. I am happy. I am content.

Sure there are times when I look back and wish things could have been different. Who doesn't, I guess. I have many regrets, but I can't change the course of my life. I have learned and will continue to learn from my mistakes.

I am good. I am fine. I want to know where you are and how I can contact you. Your memory burns so bright, like a warm light that I can't get out of my head. If you find me, come say hi, old friend. You are always welcome here. You are already in my heart.

Come look for me.

Last Post to Al

Ali,

Hope you had a good rest. If you get this message it must be just before you leave for Pune, New Dehli, Zurich and home! I'm praying for a safe, smooth and healthy trip home! The last email to the intercessors from me has gone out. Be sure to rest up lots on the plane, if you can, I will try to keep you up for as long as I can when you arrive home...to help you adjust to Toronto time. So, try to rest up, okay? I really want to go to Mother Tucker's when you come back. Ray & Junko will be there as well as myself. My parents will be at grandma's house packing up her apartment. I can't wait to see you, my love! My darling love who I cherish and adore. I am so uberly proud of you! You are amazing! I am also so thankful to God who has kept us safe, taught us invaluable lessons and ministered in awesome ways!! Yeah!!!

See you soon!:)

Kitten

Jo Loves Al

Hi, Al!! I'm done venting! How are you? You are probably sleeping or waking up to your last full day in India. How does it feel to be leaving India? Are you glad to be coming home? I miss you like CRAZY!!!! Like CRAZY!!!! Arg!! I can't take it.

Yesterday, the picture of us fell behind my computer and I couldn't find it. It kind of fell on an angle so it was really hard to see. I accused Stephen H. (of course, who else?!) of taking it! People felt really sorry for me...I thought I was going to cry. It was very sad. But, I found it and it's okay now! I had to apologize to him though.

Al, I don't want to overwhelm you but there are a few social events going on that I haven't rsvp'ed to. Sharon, my coworker's b-day party, next Friday, Beth & Chris's mission fundraising event at the end of March, Kathy's swing dance party, not to mention her next cookie batch to order...we'll have to decide together when you get back!

Well, I'm super tired. I've been going to bed real late. I end up blogging longer than I plan on doing. I've been feeling much better, very regular...just tired. I haven't been as tired as I was on Monday but still tired. I don't think I'm pregnant. I think I've just been going to bed later than usual. I was very cranky today...very cranky. I don't think I've been that cranky in a very long time. Please come home!! I need huggies! It must be an Al huggie shortage!!! My love meter is quite low.

I guess it's just hard with you gone and now my mom & I not talking. I feel so overwhelmed, angry, lonely and horrible. I feel horrible about myself. I feel down. I wish you were here. You make everything better. At least it seems that way when you hug me. I can't wait till you come back...two and a half days.

No surprises when you get back. Sorry. Everything is pretty much the way you left it.

I promised I'd let the kids write a bit. (Eeyore) - I love you, Daddy! I'm taking care of LB and JJ. Bye. (LB) - Hi, Daddy!! When are you coming back? I miss you. I don't know where you are. Mommy says you're far away so far you need to take a plane. I can't see you every day. I miss you. I love you. (JJ) - Come back soon, okay?!

I love you! Have a good day!

More venting

Hello, Al! I emailed you a couple of times this morning but one of the emails bounced back to me from your account. I'm not sure which one it was.

Anyway, I'm feeling better today. I am glad that I stood up for myself but I regret using such harsh words towards my mom in yesterday's blog. Oh another thing she did...Just before she went into the washroom, I asked her to keep the door shut because the hamster was out in her ball. In all fairness, I may not have been that clear. But you can imagine my shock when after they left, I realize the door was left open by my mom and my hamster was probably in that room roaming around. And she tries to tell me that she does listen to me. I told her she doesn't listen to me and she kept insisting, "I do listen!!!" (That was just before she asked me if the picture of Colin & Jessica was of my friend Krista.) I need my space and I think she should respect that. I'm not ready to talk to her yet. She has to respect that I need my space from her...I'm not in an emotional state where I can handle more of her rudeness. Am I a bad daughter and doing something bad? I know she would want to make me feel like one. But, I just don't want any of her guilt trips or her trying to appease her conscience without really looking at the issue. I don't want to be taken for a ride and be invalidated or manipulated. I deserve better than that and I need to create my own boundaries. This is what feels safe to me, not out of rejection, bitterness or vengence but out of my needs, what I can handle and what I actually require to process, adjust and create a safe place for me. I can't talk to her now. I am not going to feel bad about treating myself with respect. I am not going to feel bad about not disrespecting myself and invalidating myself just to appease HER conscience. If she really loved me, she would understand and want me to respect myself, my opinions and my needs.

It's so strange because I know that my mother-in-law presented with the same situation would have acted so completely different. She would have looked at the picture, commented on it, asked about our relationship to the people in the picture and really reflected deeply into the relationship & picture. By so doing, she would find out the most interesting things about our friends. And then, the next time we talked with her, she would probably ask, "How is Colin, Jessica & Fiona?" So polar opposite of each other!! Part of me wishes I grew up in Al's family...but then I couldn't marry Al and it would be weird...that thought only goes so far before I realize it wouldn't work. But, I know I wouldn't have had the emotional problems and scars that I have had to bear if I grew up in Al's family.

One thing issue that runs in my parents' family is disrespect. My dad doesn't respect my mom and vice versa. My mom doesn't respect me or my brother. There just doesn't seem to be a lot of respect at all in my family. It's devestating. It would be almost better if they just fought & worked on it OR separated. Not live in such a constant toxic environment pretending everything is fine while they actually resent each other! They made a decision when I was young to stay together for us. But, honestly, I don't think they did us much of a favour by staying together. I don't think they handled their marriage well nor the raising of us. I just don't think they're able to really handle life.

Post 101

This is my 101st post on blogger! Yeah!!

It's 9:47 pm and I'm so tired, yet upset. My mom is so frustrating me!! She is so disrespectful and rude to me. She doesn't listen to me. She talks over me and interupts me while I'm talking. She doesn't really seem to care about me at all. She said she'd be at my house by 6:30 at the latest, well she called at 6:30 to say she'd be picking up the food and she showed up at 7pm. Well, I wish she just didn't come over!! I'm feeling extremely tired, exhausted, nauseous and sick. She comes in and just starts talking away about her life, her concerns and her thoughts. I tell her I'm tired and she just keeps talking about her life. No one helps me unpack the food as I feel like I'm going to faint. Then, as we eat, again she only seems interested in herself. When I talk, she interupts me and starts talking about something totally different than what I'm saying. I feel like I have to fight to just finish my sentences and be heard. For example, I showed her a picture of Colin, Jessica and their baby (Fiona...I think my mom was talking as I was trying to tell her the name of the baby). I said, "This is a picture of Colin, one of Al's friends, his wife and their baby ...(Fiona...my mom talks over me)". Then, about 1/2 hour later, she points to the same picture, in the same place and says, "Oh is that your friend, Krista?" She is just not interested in my life. I'm the one at home without my husband and feeling completely sick and she doesn't even care!! I repeatedly tell her, I don't need digestive enzymes, but she still keeps giving them to me. I don't need them. That's not my problem and I've told her that!!!! But, she doesn't seem to care. She is the most rude, selfish, self-absorbed person I know!! She doesn't seem to care what I'm going through. Her actions are so invalidating...she shows up late, talks over me, doesn't listen to what I have to say, doesn't respect my opinions and just wants to talk about her thoughts. She really does interupt me...like all night. It would have been better if I stayed home alone and cooked being sick rather than have her over and be rude to me. No one deserves to be treated that way. She has to look at how she treats me and others. She has to take a really hard look at her actions and her rudeness. I won't put up with it. I guess I just expected a mom who would care about me and want to take care of me. But, I was expecting too much. First, she didn't seem to care that I was feeling tired and sick...she didn't comment on it or say anything...she just kept going with her speel about her life. I hate the way she makes me feel about myself. It makes me feel so horrible about who I am as a person. It makes me feel like I'm nothing. I would rather never talk to her again, ever, than have her treat me so disrespectfully. If she can't treat me well, then I'd rather not be around her. No one else treats me like that and I don't treat others like that...why does my mom treat me so badly? I hate her. I wish she wasn't my mother. I wish she never had me. I wish she wasn't around me. I wish that I wasn't her daughter. I wish I had a nice mom who actually cared about me, thought about me before herself and respected me. I guess that's asking too much. Why can't I just admit it...my mom is a very selfish person and she will never really care for me the way that most moms would care for their daughters. She is too self absorbed to care about my life, my needs, my wants, my hopes and who I am. She is too busy putting me down to really see who I am. I hate my mom. I wish she wasn't my mom. I don't want to talk to her. She wants to call me or email me tomorrow. But, I really don't want to talk to her at all. I wish I could disown her.

Jo loves Al, part 8

I LOVE YOU!! Sorry, I didn't email back quicker to you! Monday morning after being away 2 business days is not really my best time to do personal emails. But, I read them all and I'm so glad that you emailed me!!

I gotta be quick 'cause my parents are coming over with Chinese food. I offered to make them dinner but they ended up offering to get take out. I'm so relieved because I was feeling really tired this afternoon. I don't think I packed enough food today. I am going to let them take care of me.

How are you feeling? Please keep me updated!

I'm still really not myself yet. I feel pretty good stomach wise except I'm feeling a bit nauseous...probably due to tiredness. I tried to go to bed early but I couldn't sleep. I think the decaff tea actually has some caffeine in it. It usually keeps me up. Anyway, I'm tired today.

Well, gotta go clear a space for all of us to eat, put the laundry in and wash some dishes so we have cups to drink from.

I'll chat with you soon. I love you soooo much!! You're my bear!! My bear!! My furry bear!!! I will try to email you when you're back on email and it can be like instant messanger...I'll take it as my break/lunch time.

Anyway, gotta go. I love you!

See you in 5 days (or just under 5 days)!!

Jo

Al, Part 7

Allan,

Thanks for your email and email to the intercessors. This gives a much clearer idea of how to pray for you and the team. I'm sorry to hear about Mary's ex-husband. Will she be leaving early or will she miss the funeral?

You know what...I was rarely encouraged by Sunday overseas. I found it difficult to get the whole message through a translator and it was usually boring. But, it is sad to hear that the message was unbiblical. I guess there's a need for more theological training and libraries in that area. That is also an area of prayer that we can pray about when you come back.

Well, it's Sunday night now and you must have arrived in Lonavala. (I think it's spelt Lonavala.) Anyway, I hope that your accomodations are clean, comfortable and cool. I have been praying for you and for refreshment.

One image that comes to mind is that of red paint being poured out all over you. I've been praying that you and the whole team, as well as the attendees, will be covered in the LOVE of GOD. Covered in a way that stays and lingers like paint after it's poured over you. I've been praying for the Holy Spirit to brood and hover over you. I'm praying for comfort and healing for Mary and the "epiknowsis" knowledge of God's strength and presence for her children.

One song comes to mind that you'll remember from Youth Group days...The Battle Belongs to the Lord.

"The Battle Belongs To The Lord
Jamie Owens-Collins

In heavenly armor we'll enter the land
The battle belongs to the Lord
No weapon that's fashioned against us shall stand
The battle belongs to the Lord

We sing glory and honor
Power and strength to the Lord
(repeat)

The power of darkness comes in like a flood
The battle belongs to the Lord
He's raised up a standard, the power of His blood
The battle belongs to the Lord

When your enemy presses in hard do not fear
The battle belongs to the Lord
Take courage my friend, your redemption is near
The battle belongs to the Lord

Copyright © 1984 Fairhill Music, Inc."

I believe that is you guys...although you have faced battles on this trip thus far, you are covered in His armour and will enter the land. The battle is God's, not yours. Rest assured that God has heard your pleadings and will rescue you. He will fight for you. Take courage, He is with you.

Thanks for praying for me. I feel refreshed today and renewed by God's Holy Spirit. Here is a great prayer that I've been praying almost every day that helps me: http://www.evanwiggs.com/revival/prinpray/warfare.html Praying it may also help you.

Take care. All my love.

In Christ,

Jo

Al, part 6

Dear Al,

I miss you. You're my bear and I miss my bear. I look forward to seeing you in 7 days. Your time in India is now just past the half way point. The kids miss you too. LB was upset because I had to leave him here while at the retreat. I don't know if he's forgiven me yet. I didn't want Stephen H. to take him as a joke so I thought it'd be safer if he stayed here. He is quite upset and he's also been very clingy, today. I'm sure he'll be back to his usual bouncy self soon.

Ottawa Sens are winning against Toronto, now, 2-0. It's the 2nd period and your team is doing very well.

I feel a bit lonely today. I have to stay home because I need to recover but that also means I couldn't have dinner with Ray & Junko. I didn't do all the chores I wanted to as I opted to rest. The house may be messy when you come back.

I'm sorry I couldn't pray as much as I wanted to during the retreat as we didn't have much free time and the schedule was jammed pack. I hope things still went well, despite the oppression at the one orphanage. Please send me specific prayer requests as I'm finding it difficult to pray since I've come back from the retreat. I'm not sure if you cc'ed the report to Eugene to me but I didn't receive it. I also didn't receive an email specifically to the intercessors that you said you'd send, so I just cut & paste the stuff you sent me in your emails. I did tell Minnie and my parents that you'd be sending an email to the intercessors specifically. They were really excited about this. I don't know if you tried to send it and it didn't get received? I'm not sure if you remember promising to send these two items but I'm really disappointed that I didn't receive either of them. Please clearly label this email to the intercessors in the subject line and in the opening address so I don't mistake it for a personal email. I will forward the entire email to all of your intercessors. If you don't have access to the internet now, just let me know and I'll tell Minnie & my parents that you'll update them once you're back.

2-1 for Ottawa.

Anyway, I'm tired and I'm going to go now. I'll talk to you later.