I'm not good
Had a relapse last night after coming back from vacation. I'm not doing well.
Vacation was great. I went to Kingston and then to see family in a very small town. My nephews are getting bigger. My brother-in-law and his wife may be either coming back to Canada from Florida either this fall or next spring/summer. We spent the time swimming in my parents-in-law pool, touring Ottawa, playing games, watching a movie or just chilling on the couch and chatting about life. I consumed a lot more alcohol than I usually drink because it was around...beer, strawberry dacquaris...but never in large portions though. My brother-IL and his wife are into a vegetarian diet and we ate all vegetables the whole time (except for a lunch date with my hubby where I had a salad with chicken slices on top). Veggie dogs are actually really tasty! The veg. hamburger was really good too! I didn't feel like I was missing out or craving anything! Maybe Al & I will eat a lot more vegetables and less red meat from now on!
So the problem occurs near the end of the vacation. I start thinking about going back to work and I started to get really stressed out. I don't want to mention the situation in detail, but when I left my job, I left it at a very, very stressful time. I was glad to leave when I did. I think when I get back, it'll be straightened out and over with. But, I wasn't sure if I should deal with the situation as a member of staff council and as a worker who is looking out for the welfare of the staff who I unofficially supervise. (The unofficially is another story in itself.) But, I think by the end of the day, I felt like I should just leave the past the past and concentrate on the future. I mean it wasn't left undone as we talked with the head of finance as the point man for this project and I told him exactly what I thought. (Proud of myself.) And he did respond with an apology and a "we could have done things better". Although our team became the health and safety team to correct the situation at least he took the initiative to handle the concerns we brought up. So, I thanked him for his leadership in handling the situation. I mean I know he's a genuine, caring, amazing person with an extraordinary heart. I just wasn't sure if I should do anything more. But I have peace about coming back and just looking forward. I checked my email and no one was hurt or injured and no one in my office quit this past week, so I guess it's okay. I'll look towards the future. Anyway, thinking about the stress from work really upset me. It upset me so much, I think I got a stomach ache.
On the way out, a parking enforcer came out and accused me of not paying. I was furious at him. I just lost it. Al came back to the car, the guy didn't give us a ticket and we drove away. I got out of the car at the end of the street, went back and explained/yelled at him. I was so mad. Even as I left I was muttering "I don't appreciate being accused of not paying when I paid." I just snapped. It was so strange. I don't usually yell at strangers and loose it like that. I guess after talking about a stressful situation and the guy was so rude to us. I mean I was at the car waiting for Al and he was accusing us of not paying. I didn't think you could give a person a ticket while they're at their car. I would have been inside the car if it wasn't so hot that day. I was just surprised...I felt like I didn't matter, like my presence didn't matter. (I guess that's why I flipped out because at work, I am trying to fight the same thought of feeling like I actually matter.) Anyway, so I'm totally embarrased and ashamed of my actions.
The real trouble starts yesterday after coming back from my parents-in-law's house. No parents, no nephews, no siblings to talk to....just Al & I. It's so lonely, quiet and boring. I woke up early in the day. When Al woke up, I was dying for his company. Instead of enjoying the day together and making the most of our last vacation day, he decides to not really pay attention to me. He'd often walk away from what we were doing and just go elsewhere. He never suggested doing anything together. He knew I wanted to spend time with him yet he really didn't take any initiative to be together. He kept walking away from me. I was furious. I was angry and hurt.
So, last night, I kind of flipped out. I was tired and feeling a bit sick so I didn't want to go to a bbq we had planned that night. Al was going to go without me, even though he knew that I was feeling really lonely and having problems adjusting to being back in our own life. I did not react well. I was really in my own world and thinking of taking my own life. I am not sure if I was left alone if I would have followed through. I wasn't thinking clearly. I just felt like there was nothing for me to come back to.
Oh...and get this, yesterday afternoon, I took a gift for my mom to her house. It was something that I thought she'd love. She said, "Thanks" and then started talking about the plans for her to go up to the cottage next weekend. And then she started talking about her workout place and the jingles they're making up. Not a comment about how much she loved the gift, not how was the vacation, not it's good to see you. Then I said I had pictures to show them, especially my dad before he left for work that afternoon. My parents looked through them but my mom was the one who kept flipping the pages so quickly. I had to hold the pages back (as well as my dad) while I finished my explanation of the photos. And they weren't long explanations....she just really didn't care. I was enraged but not surprised by her selfish behaviour.
Anyway, that's just to say, I was feeling really lonely and like no one really wanted to spend time with me or cared about my life. I just really wanted to go back to my parents-in-law's house and live there. I mean, if I was raised by them, I wouldn't be as messed up as I am right now. I would have never been abused by an older man because they wouldn't have let it get that far. If I had any mental illness, they would have taken me to see someone right away. I would have grown up in an environment of love, acceptance, confidence and respect. Yet, now the damage is done. I come back to an environment where no one really cares about me. I feel so alone. I feel horrible. I don't want to be here and I don't want to go back to work. I just want to lie down and die.
I am giving up on my dream of having children. Ever since I was a little girl, I said my dream was to be a mommy. But, with my illness, I don't think I can subject a child to my illness. I thought I would do well now that I'm out of therapy but I think because I'm not in therapy I'm forgetting what I learned...Rational mind, grounding myself physically, etc. I just don't know if I could subject any child to my moodiness and out of control reactions to lack of love. Being back in TO, I feel a lack of love and it causes me to feel empty and alone. It makes me feel so horrible. I was in a family and now I'm out on my own.
Vacation was great. I went to Kingston and then to see family in a very small town. My nephews are getting bigger. My brother-in-law and his wife may be either coming back to Canada from Florida either this fall or next spring/summer. We spent the time swimming in my parents-in-law pool, touring Ottawa, playing games, watching a movie or just chilling on the couch and chatting about life. I consumed a lot more alcohol than I usually drink because it was around...beer, strawberry dacquaris...but never in large portions though. My brother-IL and his wife are into a vegetarian diet and we ate all vegetables the whole time (except for a lunch date with my hubby where I had a salad with chicken slices on top). Veggie dogs are actually really tasty! The veg. hamburger was really good too! I didn't feel like I was missing out or craving anything! Maybe Al & I will eat a lot more vegetables and less red meat from now on!
So the problem occurs near the end of the vacation. I start thinking about going back to work and I started to get really stressed out. I don't want to mention the situation in detail, but when I left my job, I left it at a very, very stressful time. I was glad to leave when I did. I think when I get back, it'll be straightened out and over with. But, I wasn't sure if I should deal with the situation as a member of staff council and as a worker who is looking out for the welfare of the staff who I unofficially supervise. (The unofficially is another story in itself.) But, I think by the end of the day, I felt like I should just leave the past the past and concentrate on the future. I mean it wasn't left undone as we talked with the head of finance as the point man for this project and I told him exactly what I thought. (Proud of myself.) And he did respond with an apology and a "we could have done things better". Although our team became the health and safety team to correct the situation at least he took the initiative to handle the concerns we brought up. So, I thanked him for his leadership in handling the situation. I mean I know he's a genuine, caring, amazing person with an extraordinary heart. I just wasn't sure if I should do anything more. But I have peace about coming back and just looking forward. I checked my email and no one was hurt or injured and no one in my office quit this past week, so I guess it's okay. I'll look towards the future. Anyway, thinking about the stress from work really upset me. It upset me so much, I think I got a stomach ache.
On the way out, a parking enforcer came out and accused me of not paying. I was furious at him. I just lost it. Al came back to the car, the guy didn't give us a ticket and we drove away. I got out of the car at the end of the street, went back and explained/yelled at him. I was so mad. Even as I left I was muttering "I don't appreciate being accused of not paying when I paid." I just snapped. It was so strange. I don't usually yell at strangers and loose it like that. I guess after talking about a stressful situation and the guy was so rude to us. I mean I was at the car waiting for Al and he was accusing us of not paying. I didn't think you could give a person a ticket while they're at their car. I would have been inside the car if it wasn't so hot that day. I was just surprised...I felt like I didn't matter, like my presence didn't matter. (I guess that's why I flipped out because at work, I am trying to fight the same thought of feeling like I actually matter.) Anyway, so I'm totally embarrased and ashamed of my actions.
The real trouble starts yesterday after coming back from my parents-in-law's house. No parents, no nephews, no siblings to talk to....just Al & I. It's so lonely, quiet and boring. I woke up early in the day. When Al woke up, I was dying for his company. Instead of enjoying the day together and making the most of our last vacation day, he decides to not really pay attention to me. He'd often walk away from what we were doing and just go elsewhere. He never suggested doing anything together. He knew I wanted to spend time with him yet he really didn't take any initiative to be together. He kept walking away from me. I was furious. I was angry and hurt.
So, last night, I kind of flipped out. I was tired and feeling a bit sick so I didn't want to go to a bbq we had planned that night. Al was going to go without me, even though he knew that I was feeling really lonely and having problems adjusting to being back in our own life. I did not react well. I was really in my own world and thinking of taking my own life. I am not sure if I was left alone if I would have followed through. I wasn't thinking clearly. I just felt like there was nothing for me to come back to.
Oh...and get this, yesterday afternoon, I took a gift for my mom to her house. It was something that I thought she'd love. She said, "Thanks" and then started talking about the plans for her to go up to the cottage next weekend. And then she started talking about her workout place and the jingles they're making up. Not a comment about how much she loved the gift, not how was the vacation, not it's good to see you. Then I said I had pictures to show them, especially my dad before he left for work that afternoon. My parents looked through them but my mom was the one who kept flipping the pages so quickly. I had to hold the pages back (as well as my dad) while I finished my explanation of the photos. And they weren't long explanations....she just really didn't care. I was enraged but not surprised by her selfish behaviour.
Anyway, that's just to say, I was feeling really lonely and like no one really wanted to spend time with me or cared about my life. I just really wanted to go back to my parents-in-law's house and live there. I mean, if I was raised by them, I wouldn't be as messed up as I am right now. I would have never been abused by an older man because they wouldn't have let it get that far. If I had any mental illness, they would have taken me to see someone right away. I would have grown up in an environment of love, acceptance, confidence and respect. Yet, now the damage is done. I come back to an environment where no one really cares about me. I feel so alone. I feel horrible. I don't want to be here and I don't want to go back to work. I just want to lie down and die.
I am giving up on my dream of having children. Ever since I was a little girl, I said my dream was to be a mommy. But, with my illness, I don't think I can subject a child to my illness. I thought I would do well now that I'm out of therapy but I think because I'm not in therapy I'm forgetting what I learned...Rational mind, grounding myself physically, etc. I just don't know if I could subject any child to my moodiness and out of control reactions to lack of love. Being back in TO, I feel a lack of love and it causes me to feel empty and alone. It makes me feel so horrible. I was in a family and now I'm out on my own.
