Update

Saturday...glorious Saturday. Sitting on a barstool at my breakfast bar with a coffee in hand, enjoying relaxing. I'm actually dressed and showered at 1pm. It is a good day!

So, the withdrawal isn't going as well as expected. It's okay. I'm not discouraged. I went from 5mg to nothing the next day to 5mg and I had a few rough days. I just got so angry and frustrated and I couldn't control my frustration. Not good. But at least I didn't want to hurt myself or others. I just pounded my hands on the shower wall and slamed the door shut. But it scared me still cause I felt so out of control. So, I am back on 5mg of paxil daily. I bought a pill cutter and I will go from 5mg one day to 2.5 mg the next day and see how that goes. Then, I will go to 2.5 daily, and continue until I'm off. Then, I plan to go on St. John's Worts, if needed.

My psychologist is retiring and moving to Colarado!!! Ah!!! I will miss him a lot but we were thinking of closing off session soon anyway, so I guess it works out. I have one last session with him and then it's done. He's recommending another psychologist who specializes in DBT and anger management so at least I have someone to turn to in trouble.

He's saying that a sense of self is created and that soon I will sense more of a passion for an area of life. He wants me to be in a new job. Overall, he says he's pleased with my progress and now that the sense of self is created, it's hard to unlearn...like riding a bike..you don't really forget. I know that there is an inner critic that I have to keep battling with. He said that the innner critic is necessary and it will never go away. It can be helpful as it keeps us from making a fool out of ourselves but it just needs to be trained to be more constructive and not so destructive. So, that really helped.

So big secret that I'm soooo excited about. I confessed to him that I did have a dream that has been in my heart since I was a teenager. I asked for his honest professional opinion. I confessed that I wanted to be a counsellor. He encouraged me and said that the people who have gone through counselling often make the best counsellors. He said that he went through therapy for a year. He encouraged me and gave me some advice schooling wise. It was really helpful since I work at a school, I tend to have a very biased opinion of where I should go to school...where I work. But he encouraged me to get a MA. I first have to finish a BA Psych. honours program. So, I'm doing my research and I'm going to go for my passion...counselling. Allan was so encouraging and said he's willing to move so I could go to a good school for MA in Clinical Psychology. He said he didn't want to tell me what to do but in a supportive way, he said I won't let you not do it! So, I feel so encouraged. I'm going to try to finish a BA/have kids. Then, when I'm ready, go back to school to do a MA. All that I thought was lost in my life has not been. Only delayed and now I'm stronger.

Yeah!!!

Update

Saturday...glorious Saturday. Sitting on a barstool at my breakfast bar with a coffee in hand, enjoying relaxing. I'm actually dressed and showered at 1pm. It is a good day!

So, the withdrawal isn't going as well as expected. It's okay. I'm not discouraged. I went from 5mg to nothing the next day to 5mg and I had a few rough days. I just got so angry and frustrated and I couldn't control my frustration. Not good. But at least I didn't want to hurt myself or others. I just pounded my hands on the shower wall and slamed the door shut. But it scared me still cause I felt so out of control. So, I am back on 5mg of paxil daily. I bought a pill cutter and I will go from 5mg one day to 2.5 mg the next day and see how that goes. Then, I will go to 2.5 daily, and continue until I'm off. Then, I plan to go on St. John's Worts, if needed.

My psychologist is retiring and moving to Colarado!!! Ah!!! I will miss him a lot but we were thinking of closing off session soon anyway, so I guess it works out. I have one last session with him and then it's done. He's recommending another psychologist who specializes in DBT and anger management so at least I have someone to turn to in trouble.

He's saying that a sense of self is created and that soon I will sense more of a passion for an area of life. He wants me to be in a new job. Overall, he says he's pleased with my progress and now that the sense of self is created, it's hard to unlearn...like riding a bike..you don't really forget. I know that there is an inner critic that I have to keep battling with. He said that the innner critic is necessary and it will never go away. It can be helpful as it keeps us from making a fool out of ourselves but it just needs to be trained to be more constructive and not so destructive. So, that really helped.

So big secret that I'm soooo excited about. I confessed to him that I did have a dream that has been in my heart since I was a teenager. I asked for his honest professional opinion. I confessed that I wanted to be a counsellor. He encouraged me and said that the people who have gone through counselling often make the best counsellors. He said that he went through therapy for a year. He encouraged me and gave me some advice schooling wise. It was really helpful since I work at a school, I tend to have a very biased opinion of where I should go to school...where I work. But he encouraged me to get a MA. I first have to finish a BA Psych. honours program. So, I'm doing my research and I'm going to go for my passion...counselling. Allan was so encouraging and said he's willing to move so I could go to a good school for MA in Clinical Psychology. He said he didn't want to tell me what to do but in a supportive way, he said I won't let you not do it! So, I feel so encouraged. I'm going to try to finish a BA/have kids. Then, when I'm ready, go back to school to do a MA. All that I thought was lost in my life has not been. Only delayed and now I'm stronger.

Yeah!!!

Poem for ex

This is a poem I posted on my other blog site last week late at night. It was about my ex-boyfriend who abused me. Maybe it might ring true for someone else.

A Poem for You

Thoughts of you race through my mind. In some round about way, I bumped into you tonight. Not in person but in thought and in remembrance, I have seen you. Fear. Panic. Relief. Anger. I don't think it's about you anymore. I don't think I'm angry at you and I'm not even scared. I'm more upset about the injustice of it all. Remembering that my teenage years were wiped out, wasted and utterly forlorn. Remembering what was stolen, lost and now it can not be replaced. No it's not about you anymore...it's about what I lost. I mourn...I still mourn...what did not come to be. It's not about you anymore.

There are a thousand places in my mind and heart which are tucked away in neat dark closets of desolate places, only visited by accident. All the doors in this long corridor look so much alike and one day "Whoops!" you walk in the wrong one, the one you had hoped had disappeared. But, now, you are stuck face to face again with that which you dread to confront. As it stares back at you, what comes to mind? Less fear, less anger, no hate, just pain. Pain. It screams. It bleeds. It cries out for mercy. Quietly, I lock the door and walk away carrying on as if it never happened.

Maybe I ought to be react differently? Maybe I ought to scream, cry out and beg for mercy? Maybe those reactions are appropriate but delayed and they are coming out, many years after the fact when I am safe and warm? What if I do cry out? Will they lock me away? What if I do scream and beg for mercy over an enemy who is no longer there? Will I be called insane? What if you are very real but only in thought and in remembrance? What if you were here, what if I am standing at that door on that precipice? Can I yell back at you? Tell you that I do matter. Tell you that I do care. Tell you that I can walk out this door anytime I want and never come back. Tell you that I don't need you anymore 'cause all you have is pain for me. Tell you that I'm strong enough to leave. Tell you that I wish I had never met you. Tell you that you are no good for me. Tell you that I'm leaving you today. Goodbye, you. You are not worth my time.

Perhaps this time you are not shutting me out but I am shutting you out. The power you stole, I can take back. That which you took can be recovered. That which was not yours has become mine again. That which you could never take, I have rediscovered - my voice, my person, my joy, my faith. There is nothing you can take that my God can not give back and in double portion. There is nothing you can do to destroy me for I have the Overcomer in me. There is nothing, nothing you can do to dismantle that which God has called me forth for. You will never destroy me. My body may grow old and die but my spirit will live on forever. From fire and ashes, I have arose. I have walked through the brimstones of hell and tasted the nector of Satan's poison to fly from doom into blue heavens. I have been the walking dead but now I am alive.

Dragged in agony and like a monster wailing beyond all shape or form was I before my God. Darkened and masked was I at the pearly gates of Heaven begging for another chance. How did He ever find me? How did He search for me in Hell's worst nightmare? How did He interupt this hellish existence? He must have been searching all the junkyards, trashcans and empty wastelands to have found me barely breathing. "Send out the crews and all the rescuers! I have found one still alive!" I can hear Him shout, "There is still hope. Do not give up."

Drifting in and out of consciousness, I find myself here. In one piece, alive, healthy and whole. How could this have happened? I once was dead, but am now alive. I lived in Hell but now in Heaven's realm of glory. Who could have rescued me? Who would have taken me in? Who fixed me up and tended to my wounds? Who was there endless nights of tears? Who sought me out and found me? LOVE UNFAILING...HOPE UNSTOPPABLE...GRACE UNENDING...POWER OVERWHELMING...HE IS WHO FOUND ME....I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL.

It was not by works nor my own deeds which got me to where I am. The answer so simple it's known by children yet so unfathomable, it can not be understood by adults and so overcoming, it pierces the coldest of hearts....JESUS. The love of God Almighty will never be stopped...not for me and not for you. Worlds apart and from different ends of the spectrum, He comes to us. He reaches down to pick us up and make us great. He takes His crown off to give it to us. I can not fathom, I can not believe so great a love for one such as me. He can not be conformed to this world's ways. He is His own. His decision to love I can not change. All I know is that HIS LOVE has touched me, burned for me in sickness and in health, ached for me in times of distress and rescued me from the graveyards of Hell and exploded upon my life. And now there is JOY. AND NOW THERE IS LIFE. HIS LOVE...HIS LOVE IS IN MY LIFE.

A perfect place to end but the story is not done. You are still here in my face. A cup of cold water I offer to you- His love. His love will be true. I can not forsake nor utterly scorn you. You who have placed me in Hell's farthest cornor. I can not hate. Although there is pain, I offer you all I know what to offer you - JESUS CHRIST. As you stand here before me, I clumsily offer forgiveness and love to one like you because there is One like Him. Awkwardly giving like my arms have lost all strength, I give what I can - forgiveness and my blessing...when all within me still feels your bruises. Although I ache inside because you have beaten me inside and out, I walk now and want to offer you a way out of your Hell. His love is there for you. LOVE UNFAILING...HOPE UNSTOPPABLE...GRACE UNENDING...POWER OVERWHELMING...HE COMES TO YOU, today. The bitterness of death, the coldness of winter, He can make into bright shiny days. The hurts you have tasted, the loss stolen from your heart, the pain in your gut, He will restore. He will restore. All I know is that HIS LOVE is touching you, burning for you in sickness and in health, aching for you in times of distress and rescuing you from the graveyards of Hell and exploding upon your life. And now I wish for you JOY, LIFE and HIS LOVE...HIS LOVE IN YOUR LIFE. This is my poem for you.