Poem

Running away. Scared inside. Hoping to find some glimpse of truth.
In the horror of the moment, can I find peace inside. Something tells me that it's going to be okay.

If anyone wants to check out my other blog, it's a lighter or less "psychotherapy" journalling at www.xanga.com/yukidog. Come visit!

Child Definition

uh oh. I just looked up the definition of a child as defined by Canadian law. It's 16 & under in some provinces (and 18 & under in other provinces). That means that Glenn will be reported by Dr. Q to the police authorities. I was 14-16 when he was abusing me. Woah. I feel overwhelmed. He will be reported. Not sure about what's next, but I guess we will see. Do I want to press charges against Glenn? Not sure.

5 mins

Only 5 mins. to share. On Sunday morning I fainted. I must go see my doctor soon. I've been feeling dizzy and kind of out of it. Anyway, other than that...I'm exhausted. Too much staying up late with Al playing cards! I must win at Phase 10. I must win at Phase 10.

Went to see the psychiatrist and it was good. I may be switching to a different SSRI (Celexa?). I think it has less side effects and non-drowsy effects, compared to Paxil. I may get an anti-psychotic drug to take occasionally. It doesn't make sense though that I would take it only 1x when I need it but it takes like a few weeks to kick in. How than if I just take one dose will it actually work for those times I feel like harming myself? The psychiatrist said there's baisically no medicine that really treats self-harming behaviour or borderline personality, mostly just counselling. So, I need to keep meeting with Dr. Q.

Gotta go. Check everyone's blog when I'm at the computer next! Blessings all!

Therapy was great and horrific at the same time yesterday. Dr. Q is so awesome. He's such a kind man and I'm so blessed to know him. I feel so hurt and in such pain though today, yet strangely empowered. I feel a bit less burdened. Hard to go into detail, nor do I want to go into all the detail. Baisically, it was helpful to express my hurt emotions and feelings to a "fake Glenn". I feel so hurt and used by Glenn. I feel so abused and broken. I needed his protection and his compassion. I needed him to watch out for me and look out for my best interests, like I was doing to him. My heart was so broken and even last night it came to the surface. He betrayed me and my trust. He can't give me what I need right now. I'm going to try to let him go. Some deep emotions came to the surface yesterday. It was helpful though to really know it wasn't my fault. He had the power and therefore he is to blame. That's what Dr. Q said. He said it wasn't my fault. As a professional psychologist, I'm glad he said that it wasn't my fault. I'm glad that it wasn't my fault. It was Glenn's fault and now I have no doubt in my mind. I really want to believe that Glenn didn't do it out of a malicious cold heart, but out of his pain. I think he was self-absorbed and out of control. I would like to believe him when he really said to me many years ago that he didn't mean for it to happen, it just happened. I want to believe that when he apologized to me, he really meant it. I need to believe that he was sorry for his actions. I need to believe that he was sincere in not wanting to hurt me as he looks back on his actions. But, I need to move on. I need to put this thing behind me. It's like this pain, I've held inside for so long is finally out in the open. Dr. Q asked if anyone had reported it before. I said, "No, not to my knowledge." He said that he may have to report it as part of his obligations. I felt so disapointed in my many other counsellors who never said, "It's not your fault" and who didn't report the abuse earlier. So many people have let me down in life. But, he is going to check on the definition of child. If the definition is 14 than he has to report the abuse. He wants me to think about if I want to press charges or not. I said I didn't want to go to court because I've heard horror stories. I don't want to see Glenn in jail. But, he did the wrong. I need to think about what I'm going to do and to see if he is guilty. I hope Dr. Q has some wisdom on the matter. It strangely makes me feel comforted, protected and safe. Like someone is looking out for me, finally. I have a good group of people supporting me and I'm so thankful for that. Although it won't be an easy journey, I know I will make it through. Things are finally looking better and maybe I will finally be able to put this all behind me. I think there was so much unfinished business. But, now, I feel like maybe it would be possible to actually "get over" this horrible event and find closure on this whole ordeal.

Quick Entry

Hi! Quick entry. I'll be back after a meeting! Had a tough session with Dr. Q. Man, it was rough. I feel so hurt and in such pain today. Yet, some good progress was made in the session. He's a great doctor. We talked about letting go. And then, I asked if he read my blog because I was finding it hard to let go of Glenn. So, we spent most of the session focused on my relationship with Glenn. I couldn't help but cry. After so many years, I just balled. And even at the end Dr. Q looked like he was going to cry. His eyes were all red. And he wanted to make sure I was okay. I felt okay. Sad but not destructive. Infact I felt empowered.

Gotta go. I'll write more in a couple of hours!

Glenn

I just remembered that I've had a couple of dreams about Glenn, the guy who abused me. It was weird. One of them, I was at my old church where I met him. (He doesn't regularly attend church & isn't a Christian.) I was with some friends at the back, but I wanted to see if he was there. Then, I saw my family up front with some guy who looked like him. I just started crying & crying. I couldn't help it.

I think about Glenn a lot. It's not good. While I couldn't sleep last night, I tried to just let him go. I just wanted to forgive him and leave it there. Why is he still always fighting to come back into my self-conscious. Why do I think about him so much. I need to emotionally divorce him. I'm sure. I tried to forgive myself too. I had so much anger towards myself that I just needed to forgive myself and let the anger go. I think that's a good thing. I want to leave Glenn in the past but why does the hurt keep resurfacing. I hate him so much and yet I want to love him so much too. I hate what he did to me and yet I so wanted his approval. It's like I was back in the whole cycle of trying to win my father's approval all over again. I'm sure Dr. Q would tell me to emotionally divorce him. To not try to win his approval anymore nor his love. He doesn't measure me as a person nor validate me as a person. He has no more say. I won't let his actions affect me. Also, last night I thought maybe he kept leaving me because he felt so guilty about what he was doing to me. It gave me such a satisfaction to feel that he actually felt guilty and bad about what he did to me. Maybe, he did know it was wrong. Maybe he has suffered for what he did to me. Maybe he did feel bad. It shouldn't but it does give me some pleasure to know that he felt bad about what he did. It makes me feel more validated as a person and more important. But, my value as a person doesn't depend upon his mourning over what he did wrong. I'm lucky that he actually apologized to me. But somehow it didn't give me any relief. It was hollow. Empty. Like, that's it? Just a "I'm sorry." What about repayment for what you did to my life?! What about paying for all my therapy, my husband's therapy, the money you took from me? What about giving me my self-esteem back?! My virginity? My dignity? My relationship with my parents? My friends back? My sanity back? Hun?!!! What about all those things you took from me?! Why can't you give those back?! I know he never could. I just feel stuck in this battle. I know I need to forgive him and let it go. I try... I try like all the time. But these feelings of hurt, bitterness and anger keep resurfacing. Sexual abuse ruins so much and it changes a person forever. And I hate that men only get a few years or months in jail while the person being abused lives with it for a lifetime. I hate my life since being sexually abused. I really hate it. You know. It sucks! I had everything going for me until I met Glenn. He really messed me up. I was smart, funny, had lots of friends, had a good self-esteem and such a great future ahead. He ruined my life! He ruined my highschool years! He ruined by ability to really function socially because I was so scared people would abandon me the way he did and I thought there must have been something wrong with me for him to treat me that way. You know what...I'm sick of feeling so empty, so hurt and so used. I'm sick of living with the...if only it didn't happen. It did and I'm so angry about it. I hate that Glenn did that to me. He was the adult and he should have known better. I hate Glenn so much for what he did to me. I hurt so bad inside and it happened like 16 years ago. Oh my goodness. When do I start feeling better?! When does life get better? When does the pain go away? When does the pain end?? When do the tears stop flowing? And when can I live without this shadow on my back? When can I be truly whole? And when can I truly live without the regret of what happpened in the past? How will I get better? And when does the pain end? Maybe if I had the courage to stand up to him, I would have dealt with it earlier.

Pain.

It strikes every chord of my being.

My stomach aches with moaning that has been going on for far too long.

My insides crumble at the very thought of you.

My head is spinning and echoing their hurtful lies.

I want peace inside. I want a measure of healing. I want God to come and take it away. I want to live again like a little child. Free.

Pain. I hate this feeling that I can't control, can't solve and can't minimize. It's an unwelcome visitor that has stayed too long.

When can I be free of you?

Well, I'll stop my lamenting for now. Dr. Q would say, "Do you realize how much power you're giving to this person? You're letting him determine how you feel about yourself and how you feel and think." I guess, he would be right. What do I do? I stop. Ground myself. Think about the emotions without getting caught up in them like I just did. OK. Hurt. Anger. Bitterness. Remorse. Grief. These are all natural reactions to abuse. That's okay and natural. Can I move to a place of acceptance? Of memorial? I'm not sure. I guess. How? This will be my memorial. If anyone reads this and has been sexually abused, take comfort that you are not alone. I have felt all these real feelings. You are not alone. It is tough but you can get through it. You can make it. Be sure to get lots of support around you, though, like doctors, friends and family (if they are able to be helpful). I will pray for you and we can be friends. Don't go through it alone. Sexual abuse hurts, it's rough and the worst nightmare anyone could face.

I hurt, I bleed. I feel so crazy inside. I loved you so much and you didn't even love me. You used me. You didn't even like me or you wouldn't have used me. The person I looked to for support and comfort was my greatest foe.

Beware of men like him who just want to steal your heart and break it the next day. Beware of men like him who stalk innocent young girls. Beware of the hurting soul who journeyed alone for far too long and carried a burden too big for his shoulders. Aren't we all just hurting people trying our best in life?

Changes

Hello! Some major changes may be going on in my life soon. I'm excited and very apprehensive about it at the same time. It just seems so strange. I thought of a poem last night in bed that I was going to blog but forgot it.

Today has been really fun. I watched a movie at a friend's house. Then, we all played Ms. Pacman. It was so funny. So retro. My friend Lindsay's sick and I haven't seen her for a while. I miss her.

I've been having vivid dreams lately. It's been kind of weird. I don't want to share it all but it was pretty weird. OK, I'll share a bit. The scene started out with a young girl who worked in a Christian University in Northern Africa. She was helping some perspective students and took some of their cash. She went to go back into her house and just before she got to the door, two or three guys rushed out of there and killed her with a big spear. Then one of the other guys killed himself with a spear. And I'm not sure what happened to the other one but I think he was chasing me down. I ended up flying away. Later on the students from the school came back and were drumming. They investigated the area cautiously and found out that their bodies spelled a word. AA 999. American Airlines flight 999. And then, instantly they knew that there would be a highjacking of an airplane. The people who killed these African Christians had done it on purpose with the goal in mind of laying their bodies precisely to spell something out. Then, the scene flipped to an airplane scene of AA #999 that was being highjacked. I was in the plane with them and they were coming in for the landing. One woman was really suspicious and she had been involved in the planning of the highjacking. We landed in a shopping mall because we ran out of gas. Unfortunately, some guy got hit in the parking lot process but everyone on board was safe. Then, I was back in Northern Africa again at a school setting. It was like a boarding school. Some small group of Christian boys were being harrased. There was no place for them to go. It was like they were all going to die. Their solution was to join the school more and face their fears head on. They decided to make peace with those that were persecuting them so that they could all live in harmony despite their differences.

So strange!! I don't know but it was really, really weird.

Anyway, I didn't sleep that well last night. I am feeling kind of tired.

I'm kind of sad inside because I know that there will be changes in my life. I want things to stay the same but I know that they can't. I hate meeting people and then leaving. But, I guess that's the way it goes sometimes. Overall things are good and I know it'll all work out in the end. The changes won't be very soon but just inevitable.

Better

Doing much better since my last post. In fact things have been going well. I talked with my parents-in-law. I feel that they really care about me. It's so nice to have parents-in-law like them.

Desparate

Not doing well today. Can't go into detail but that Al received some not so good news this Friday. He just told me now. I'm not doing well. I know it's the illness. But, I feel overwhelmingly rejected by those we love. I feel overwhelming like a failure or that people view Al that way. I feel so ashamed. I'm dripping in it. Like a drowning soul going under dark, murky waters. It's so random. I'm doing okay one moment and think all is great. Now, I feel like I'm sinking fast.

I'm dissasociating, I can tell. Staring blankly trying to process all I'm being told. I can't think. I'm numb. Trying not to cry. I'm feeling desparate. I'm not in a good space right now.

I feel hopeless and alone. I feel backstabbed and empty. I feel like giving up. I can't go on. I was flying but now I'm sinking. How can I go on?

Is Al a failure? Is he a disease? Am I? I feel so overwhelmed by anger, sadness, hurt, rejection and criticism. What are we going to do?

The people who had our back are now stabbing it. The people who loved us and may still say they love us, is being interpreted by me as rejection. I feel like a failure. I feel like a fool. How can I go?

Busy

It's been busy lately. It was so fun on Friday. I got to hang out with my buddy, Lisa & her hubby, Dave. It's been so long since we hung out with another couple. It was really nice. We had fajitas that were yummy and we ate Lisa's homemade apple pie!:) We played Phase 10, a card game that was totally fun! Yeah! She's prego! She's like 5 months prego. For the record, I think it's a girl. They don't know but Lisa's making a pink blanket. She says she doesn't know but I think she has an instinct or she's not telling anyone. She's carrying kind of sideways, like a girl, but who knows?! I'm so happy for her & Dave. They'll be great parents and I'll be an honorary auntie! Wow! So fun.

My bro & sis-in-law are coming to Canada in August. I'm so excited. I can't wait. I really like Junko and I want to get to know her better. God will provide & show them the way, I'm sure.

OK. Confession. I'm totally hooked on this Ms. PacMan game that Al got me for Christmas. It's Ms. PacMan, Galga & Mappy (a mouse detective). The graphics are sooo ghetto, but it's sooo fun!

I'm at my parents house, which means...parents = good food for free! parents = me lazing around using the computer. parents = Yuki! My doggie!

OK. My doggie is the cutest! I love her! She's white, loves everyone and can't get enough "cookies". (Don't say it outloud!)

Any deep thoughts? I'm reading Exodus right now (I'm a few days behind in my Bible reading). Even though it's just all the dimensions of the ark, the tabernacle, the offerings required, etc, it's still cool. I'm still learning lots.

Like the whole part I'm reading now about how God specifically gifted people with wisdom, arts, creative ability was really neat. They were gifted by God to be really creative for a certain task. It made me think about how my dad's really creative and can make practical things out of anything. God has blessed him. And I think about the creative giftings passed on from my dad's line and it's kind of cool to think, God may want me to use this creative ability. I don't think our society values art as much as it could. Art is so beautiful and inspiring. It just sucks that there aren't enough jobs out there for artists. When I was in highschool, I wanted to go into interior design and work in designing restaurants. Then, I decided that I wanted to help people and go into social work. I ended up at Tyndale and planned to go into Christian counselling. Now, I don't feel I'm at the place to go into training to counsel others. But, eventually, I'd love to. Maybe when I'm older & wiser. But interior design has always been my passion. I'm praying that God would show me how to glorify him with the creativity He's given me. I hope He opens many doors for this opportunity. I'm praying that there are tasks I can do to glorify Him in the creative realm.

I'm okay, you're okay

Hello! It's been a while. I signed up on Xanga, too, because a lot of people from my church are there. But, I wanted to also keep this one as a deeper thoughts journal, so I will feel more free to share my thoughts!

Wow! I'm doing so well today! Praise God! It must be all those people praying for me, the medicine I've been on for the last couple weeks and the implementation of Dr. Q's strategies. He said yesterday, he thought I was a high functioning BPD because I had a job and a decent marriage. It was encouraging. It was also encouraging because I was able to identify the "borderline" characteristics.

Yesterday night, Al & I were watching American Idol. One girl was dressed really trashy. Then, afterwards, I questioned whether Al was looking at her lustifully. Of course he wasn't! But, with the "borderline" thing, I was all suspicious. Then, I realized (as I learned that day in counselling), it was a result of this illness. So, I asked for Al's forgiveness because I just assumed he was looking at her lustfully (which he wasn't!). And he was very kind and gracious about it. Then, we got into a further arguement about if that situation did arise, would he tell me? Then, he paused to think about it and said, "Yes". I took the pause as No, but he did say Yes. I need to trust him. I need to consider the hard evidence, as Dr. Q says. Not, to just think the worse. So, I didn't handle the situation 100% but I did okay. So, I would give myself a C. A passing grade. It's better than it could have been.

I feel so great today! I feel so proud of myself! I really do. I even like myself, today! It's really cool! I just really feel like all the times, I get so out of control with my emotions is due to this illness! It reaffirms that I'm okay. That I'm a likeable person. It's this illness that has caused the destruction. Now, I have to learn skills to control my behaviour, and I don't want to pass the blame off my behaviour. I just don't want to absorb my behaviour as proving that I'm a shameful & horrible human being. It's this illness and not something about me (my person) but about this illness. And I'm learning the skills to overcome! And I'm getting better at it! Yes, I'm an okay...no, a great person!

Dr. Q said I have to work on a date night with Al and having more fun. I need to have satisfaction in what I do and mastery in my accomplishments. I will try.