Update

Oops! I forgot to publish the last two posts I wrote. My sister-in-law from Japan changed our computer's language setting. It's back to the English setting except it's still in Japanese on my blog site buttons/instructions.

Anyway, Al & I have finally moved to our new condo!!! It's great! It's a lot of fun but a lot of work. Valentine is now home with us after having surgery. The surgery went well and she's recovering. Her liver does have some problems but other than that she is okay.

Hamster Valentine

Went to the emergency vet tonight. Valentine had blood in her urine. It has been going on for the last few days. Last night was when we realized it was blood for sure and suspected it was in her urine. She was very active and wanted to come out and play for a long time. She has been eating and drinking the usual amount. She is now running on her wheels which is a good sign. The doctor gave her antibiotics in case it's a bladder infection. And if it doesn't stop by monday, I will take her to a small animal clinic where she went last time. Please heal her Jesus!!

Arg

Arg! That's how I feel today.

My session with Dr. Q didn't go as well as I had hoped. I was trying to share about how my dad would put me down and he interupted me, said, "yeah, yeah, yeah," and he kept talking. I was opening up my heart, close to tears and he dismisses my feelings! Arg!! So, I hardly looked at him the rest of the time and he could sense that I was upset. I tried to articulate what I was upset at but he never apologized. He said that he knew when to empathize and when not to. The nerve! I was very upset at him. I think he'll try to call soon to see if I'm okay but I don't want to talk to him.

I only speak with a therapist once a month. I like to think that I can spill my guts, be vulnerable and share what's been on my heart & mind. I can unload. But, he didn't even listen to me!! He thinks he knows what's wrong with me and how to fix me now. He thinks he knows everything about me and I don't need to share my feelings anymore or revisit the past. I just need to live out of my wise mind. Well, there were a lot of things I didn't share before. A lot of things I never did share about the abuse I experienced as a child. He was somewhat sympathetic. I found him somewhat judgemental too of me.

I feel like stopping therapy with him. I won't though. I think we both have a different expectation about therapy and what it entails and how to proceed.

I feel a lot of anger towards him right now for not listening to me. I pay him to listen to me!! I know that I must live in my wise mind and not in my emotional mind but I'm trying to explain what's happened in the past so we can together go forward into the rational mind and wise mind. I can understand if I kept harping on the same point that he would interupt me and dismiss it. But, I've never told him before what my dad had said to me in this instance that hurt me so deeply (and relevant to what we were talking about). And he dismisses it, like it has nothing to do with what we were talking about. It has everything to do with what we were talking about. Then he said, "So you're blaming your dad for how you are today?" No, I wasn't. I was giving background and a stumbling block for me to get over! Of course it's my choice but I don't blame him. So accusatory.

I was very emotional too because it was something I had been thinking about over the past few weeks...about my childhood and abuse. It wasn't to rehash for old time's sake, but it just came up because I was thinking about my suitability as a parent. I was looking up emotional abuse and I realized that I had been emotionally abused. I guess I really needed to talk about the emotional abuse I experienced and not about how to divide responsibilities in my household. I guess I could have made it clearer. It's only know that I understand.

Maybe I will email Dr. Q today to tell him that I needed to talk about something different. And I needed healing.

Honesty

I need to be honest with myself and others. I realized last night that sometimes I don't communicate how I'm really feeling so I act out in strange ways. Eg. last night I didn't want to be intimate because it brought back horrible memories for me and so I created a fight to divert the evening into a predictable outcome...no need to make love. However, I realized that I do that quite subconsciously and I really need to learn to just be vulnerable with Al and communicate with him! Arg!!! When I told Al that I had created a fight on purpose, he was really gracious about it. He understands.

I met this guy, Glen (nice guy), at a wedding last weekend and he was from the same social circle as Glenn, the abuser. So, it just brought back all these horrible memories and the next night, I freaked out! I just couldn't be intimate with Al. It may take some time until I feel back to normal. This is the reality of what I live with. I'm scared that I will be forced to make love and that my wishes will not be respected although Al would never do that. I just need to cry and cry and vent about Glenn and how horrible it was to be pushed into something I didn't want! Instead of running away from these feelings, I must be honest. OK. I feel horrible, used and violated. I hate what Glenn did to me and I am so angry at him. How could I not be? What he did was completely unjust. I wish he would go away forever. But, I will not live my life in that past. I am moving on with my life and I am worth more than how he treated me. I hate Glenn's actions and I know he was out of control. I'm glad he is not like that anymore. I want the best for him. I think. I hope I do. I'm just feeling like I was treated so unjust. I guess my feelings of anger just underscore the fact that I HAVE VALUE! I'm a person of value and my feelings/thoughts are valuable. I know I have value and that's why I'm angry. So, I guess I can try to focus on the good part of my anger. I do have value and I will treat myself with respect. Glenn was at fault. I was victimized. I will rise above the experience to create something of value and meaning out of it. A sense of worth for myself. Even if my parents and Glenn didn't treat me with respect, doesn't mean I don't deserve it.

After reading this post once, I'm proud of myself for not diverting the topic and just expressing how I feel. Sometimes I run away from my feelings instead of just facing them and being real. Hard but easier to handle. I guess that's how sane people deal with their emotions?! I'm feeling angry at Glenn but happy to be alive and available emotionally for Al in most ways. I'm glad to have a new house and a new life ahead of me. Life is good. I am at peace.