Update

Good to be back online. It was difficult there for a while with work, a blog behind the scenes that was in a different language...

Well, I'm home today sick. Yuck! I hate sickness and I wish it would go away forever!! Al's been off & on sick, too, since Sunday. I think it's a flu of some kind. But, I'm feeling a bit better than yesterday.

Paxil decrease is going well. I've gone from 10mg daily to 5mg daily. It's hard to tell if the headaches are withdrawal related or from this flu thing. I'm staying at 5mg for now though.

I've laxed a bit ont he baby thing. I realized that I can take my time and there's no pressure to absolutely have one now. On Jan. 13 when I got my period, I was devestated. So, I'm trying to lower my expectations in terms of time line.

Al & I worked out on Friday at my workplace. We had to kill time as we were going to a housechurch near the area at 7:30pm. So, it was really great! Hopefully we will work out most Fridays now. It will also help with the Paxil decrease to workout.

So, hopefully I'll be better and back at work tomorrow. Oh, at work, some people are all knitting on Tuesdays & Thursdays. So, we have this women's group that knits, talks about women stuff and it's really fun. I'm glad to have friends outside my dept., now. Yeah!

Gotta go. Al's not doing well and he has to cancel a work appt. tonight.

Paxil Decrease

Sorry, I've been gone for so long from this blog and blogland. Things have been busy adjusting back to the regular work routine. 9-5 again!

I'm decreasing my paxil amounts. I'm right now on my first decrease. I started Friday night. I was on 10 mg. I'm on 10 mg one day and 5 mg the other day. Then, if I'm okay, I'll go down to 5 mg. So, far it's been 6 days and I'm doing okay withdrawal wise. No bad headaches or nausea, etc. I was weepy on Saturday morning missing my hamster. I dreamed that night that I had bought a guinea pig so I woke up really longing for a pet. But by afternoon I was fine. Yesterday night I felt angry at Al and suspicious of him. But, we resolved the conflict this morning and I'm doing okay. (I'm also hormonally at my "weepy/crabby" time of the month, so some of this could be menstrual related.) I've asked Al to watch and monitor me.

My plan/goal is to go off Paxil, if I can, and then go onto St. John's Wort. I'm suppose to wait until I'm off Paxil for a few weeks before I begin St. John Wort's or they could overlap and cause havoc in my body. If I need Paxil, then I need it and that's fine. I will stay at whatever the lowest dose, I can manage with.

My whole reasoning in getting off Paxil is - I WANT A BABY!!! I read that Paxil could heighten the chance of early miscarriage and that babies who are just born can suffer withdrawal effects and short-term complications. It's easier for me to go through withdrawal than a baby, I would imagine!! But, if I need the medicine, I will stay on it. I'm also wondering if I'm not getting pregnant because I'm on Paxil, whether it's physically or psychologically related. It's worth a try anyway.

I find right now that I notice my emotional mind being more active. This morning, I said to it that it had to be quiet and submit to my logical, rational mind. Just like my critical mind had to submit, now it was time for my emotional mind to quiet down. I will live in the present and not try to re-enact all my past hurts so I can find solutions. Christ has found solutions and I was loved by my dad. That was past and now is now. I am forgiven and I forgive those who hurt me. The situations are resolved. I will live in the present without suitcases of baggage from the past entering in to the present! I'm also learning how to manage problems and sadness. Al & I had to resolve some issues and I feel good about that resolution. Now, I have the skills from my counselling times to be able to deal with fights, painful emotions and other things. I'm not perfect but I have the skills. This is good practice for me to deal with issues and situations. I'm becoming free!

"Wake up, wake up, O Zion! Clothe yourselves with strength. Put on your beautiful clothes, O holy city of Jerusalem, for unclean and godless people will no longer enter your gates. Rise from the dust, O Jerusalem. Remove the slave bands from your neck, O captive daughter of Zion..." Isaiah 52:1, 2 Later on in the chapter, there is a promise that God would redeem Jerusalem. This city had been enslaved but needed to be told to free themselves and that God would redeem them. I hope and pray that I am being redeemed by God Almighty. (Bought back, restored, healed, free from mental illness!)