Healing

I'm soooo thankful. Things have been going well. Finally, after working through so many issues with my psychologist about Glenn, things have improved. Last Sunday, I thought about forgivness and Glenn. I realized I still had a bit of anger left towards him. I asked God to help me forgive him. I realized the anger was about revenge. I just wanted justice. I wanted him to repay me. But, I wanted to let go of this anger, too. Then a few days later I had a dream that I was sorting through my old highschool papers. I kept the poems I wrote that I was proud of but all the things pertaining to Glenn I threw away. I woke up and prayed that I could throw away and let go of Glenn and the anger I had. Then, I felt so much better. I felt like things were lifting off my stomach. I asked the Lord Jesus to fill me with His Spirit instead. Then, I felt like I was free. I felt so free. Like I had been imprisoned and didn't even realize it, until that moment of freedom! I feel so great!

And I went to see Dr. Quek this past Wednesday. He said that if I develop my sense of self more than the Borderline will go away. I asked him how long I would need to continue therapy for. He said I could drop down to 1x/month soon. He would leave it up to me. He wants to still meet every other week still because I'm moving churches and social groups this June/July. So, excited! Praise God! He has healed me! He is healing me! Hallelujah! My God heals!

Abandoned Baby

I've had recurring dreams over many years about finding abandoned babies. A few nights ago I had another one, but this time, I think I may have an idea about what the baby represents. An abadoned me.

In the dream, a man pushed his wife who was teetering off the edge of a cliff instead of helping her. She died. He ran away and hid in the sewers below. He had his baby with him and he put it in a garbage can. A little while later, a boy came by and found this baby inside the garbage can. He took it home with him. I was this little boy's aunt. I went to visit him several months after he found the baby. He said he wanted to show me something. He lifted up the garbage can and there was a skinny little baby with a HUGE head. It looked like an alien. It was ugly and had soiled it's white bedding underneath it's fragile looking body. I was so shocked. The little boy touched it tenderly and I tried to touch it but was repulsed by it's non-human looking features. He even held the little baby and I tried to hold the baby too, even though it was so repulsive. I tried to reason with him by saying that he didn't know how to care for this baby properly and didn't have the time. He didn't seem to understand. I bent down to pat his head and said, "Because little boys can't take care of babies." Then, I said I needed to tell his mom but I would tell her first to break her in. I reasoned in my heart that the best place for the baby was a hospital. I would tell his mom then call 911.

I think the dream represented an abandoned and malnourised me. It represented the neglect and lack of care that I received growing up. The boy, I think, represented my brother, who tried to take care of me but was too little. I think me picking the baby up represented my trying to accept this broken part of me. The resolution to call 911 represented my desire to get the help (medically and whatever necessary) to confront the issue and receive healing.

I missed my last appointment with Dr. Q because I wasn't feeling well. I'm better now. But, I didn't have much to report anyway. I still need to work on dialoguing with my critical self.

During prayer meeting last night, I felt so whole and so complete. It was so great. I felt like ---this is my purpose in life! It's to pray. Not to be a pastor's wife and not to do all this other stuff, although it can be part of the picture -- I realized, my core mission in life is to pray. I'm happiest when I'm hanging out with Jesus! It made me so excited about going back to ACTS, my home church, in July! They're hard core into praying (Korean church)! I just LOVE HANGING OUT with Jesus! God has a purpose and destiny for Al & I! I felt it so strong last night and I haven't felt like that for about 10 years. I think this is only the second time in my life, I've ever felt like that. It made me think, maybe I didn't screw up my life. Maybe I'm right on track. It gave me peace and joy inside.

Beautiful Day

It's a beautiful day in Toronto! Last Sunday it was snowing and this Sunday it's warm & sunny! How odd!

I'm suppose to journal with my critical self. The whole bane of my existance! My critical self has baisically gone on a mission to destroy me. Dr. Q said I'm suppose to find it's weak points. I'm trying to "dialogue" with my critical self. I can't let it control me like I have done in the past. I can't let it conquer me. It's a control freak and just wants to complete it's mission. I think the turning point came when I realized that I had allowed this destruction because I thought it was helping me in some way. I thought it was building me up and helping me to do better in life. But, it wasn't doing that at all. It was tearing me down. So, now, I try to shut off this critical self but it still pops up. It's so subtle.

Leaving NCAC

It's official. I'm leaving my church with Allan. We're very sad about leaving all the people there and all the friends who feel like family. Baisically, Al feels like he's not suppose to be a pastor anymore. I totally support Al in his decision. He's been so burdened by pastoring and the lifestyle. I know that he's done well, but the Lord is leading us out. We will go back to our home church of ACTS after June 30th. But, I hope to still keep in touch with many of the people at NCAC. In fact, I feel very distraught about the whole situation.