Dr. Q
I had such a good session with Dr. Q yesterday. We talked about the arguement that Al & I got into. Actually we focused on a different arguement that happened last week. Anyway, he said I need to change the way I PERCEIVE the situation. It's like I loose trust in Al so easily. I've been trying since then to really focus on trusting Al more. It's like I keep taking baby steps in that area, but I need to keep going.

As well, he recommended that when I was angry, to stop, pray, wait and calm down. Then, to talk with Al in a way that focuses on my values "good, harmonious relationship", "love - choosing what's best for the other person" and not necessarily just venting or expressing my anger. He says I have to make decisions based upon my values, now.

I told him I'm doing well. I was in a closed in situation in chapel and I got a bit panicky. Then, I remembered about what Dr. Q taught me. I started thinking "I'm a considerate person. I will make the most considerate decisions in chapel if I have to leave and if other people don't understand or think I'm rude, they will be wrong. I will make the most considerate moves possible." And I tried to reassure myself that those around me are gracious people and my friends. I prayed and relaxed and it was fine. Since Spike is around, too, I think walking him is really grounding me. So, I'm able to go out and walk longer distances and farther than I have before without panic. And when I've gone shopping with Al, I can walk around and not feel panicked either. Dr. Q said to keep using the grounding techniques and doing what I'm doing. He mentioned that I probably got all panicky because I was too preoccupied with being vulnerable. (with Al)

I took Spike for a walk with Al yesterday and I felt panicky, especially with Al holding the leash. I tried to focus on the blue sky but it was of no use. I took a shorter path home and held the dog's leash so I could get grounded. Then, I felt better feeling "in control". It's like this whole - feeling safe and not being vulnerable with Al that's making me feel so panicky.

Anyway, Dr. Q said that I don't have to see him until Sept. 7th because of the money issues and also 'cause I'm doing well. He recommended that if I really wanted a baby that it's better to think about it sooner rather than later. And he also recommended that I start lowering my Paxil dose, too! I'm going to call my family doctor to see how she wants to do this lowering thing. I don't know if she'll be for it, but I want to try again - SLOWLY, VERY SLOWLY!

So excited. I'm back at my home church, Acts. I'm around adults who are in the same life stage as me who I could really call friends. My focus and personal goals in life are coming back into focus and being met at Acts. Things are just going so well. Al & I actually have a life now that he's out of ministry. And we have weekends off! It's sooooo amazing. I'm sooo happy. I know it's because God is blessing us. I know it's because I'm happiest when I'm closer to God. I can be closer to God now that I have more time rather than in ministry as a pastor's wife. Strange, but true. That's the way I'm wired and that's how I'm happiest. Being a regular jo schmoe. Life is good. Praise God! I feel free!

Arguements

Al & I got into a fight last night. I don't know if we deal with it well. It was over the dog. I wanted him to sleep on the bed but Al said no. When I asked why, he didn't give a direct answer. I grew frustrated and probably became more demanding than I needed to be and just kept asking "Why?!" Al mistook my question as a demand for the dog to be on the bed. Really, I've never had a dog growing up so I just wanted to know the reason why Al didn't want him on the bed. Smells? Unhealthy? Takes up too much room. We've talked it out now. Al said he wouldn't jump to conclusions and make judgements on me. I will try not to get so frustrated and keep calm. I will try to express myself clearer. I think Al & I struggle with communicating clearly so we both end up in lots of fights over miscommunication. Most of our arguements are over miscommunication or misunderstanding the other person. Maybe part of it is the BPD and maybe part of it is just poor communication skills. Anyway, it's blown over now and I think I'm getting better at least in keeping my cool. I'm not personalizing the arguement and not harming myself. So, at least it's a step in the right direction!

I think I'm getting better. But, Al & I have so much more time on our hands, now that he's out of ministry, so we're together more. We're babysitting a dog for two weeks and he's sooo cute. I'm in love! I love Spike!! He's my baby!

Anyway, I better go, but just hope this blog helps anyone else going through struggles in communication and anger management stuff.

The Good & The Bad

Crazy. Life is crazy. I keep hearing all this bad news and it's taken a bit of time to process!

A friend/acquaintance, Cindy's boyfriend died in a "longboard" accident. He was a skydiver and photographer and he was doing a jump on a long board (long skateboard) and he landed on his head. He had serious brain damage and he later died in the hospital.

Esther, at work, is leaving. She's been there for 8 years and is a good friend. I think they sort of "pushed" her out the door.

Angela, my other co-worker's "boyfriend" was leading her on and didn't even have the decency to apologize. Arg!

Al's grandmother needs to be in a nursing home because she may have had a stroke or several mini strokes.

A friend of my sister-in-law was diagnosed with manic depression.

So many things going on. But, I'm doing okay. I love being at Acts. I can't hide my excitement about being back at my home church. I love it there and I'm sooo glad to be back. My brother comes back from Japan with his new wife at the end of August! yeah!! Our new house will be ready November 8th! Things are still good. I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow with Al so we can talk about sex! I'm going to hang out with NCAC people tonight for a woman's small group!

Life is good.