Go Leafs Go!
The colour of my blog has changed to help cheer on my favourite hockey team!!! Go leafs go!!
Friday, October 28, 2005
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
The Healing Journey Begins
Intermission is over...Everyone find your seats...the show is about to begin again...
I believe we left off in my journey to wholeness with the rape and abuse at age 16.
So desparate, alone, ashamed and feeling guilty, I kept praying to God to forgive me for what I had done. One night I had a dream that I had died and gone to heaven. In my dream, I approached God and asked Him to forgive me. He showed me someone who had gone to hell. This man was in a church and scenes of his life and all his wrong doing were played before him again and again. Then he started running down a hallway to escape but the hallway was narrow and he kept bumping into who looked mean and angry. He started screaming and I knew that was where he would spend the rest of his life. Then, I looked around me in the dream and I felt such peace and security and I knew that God had forgiven me and that was where I would spend the rest of my life...in Heaven.
A little bit after that dream, a friend explained to me at a new church I started going to with my family that if we believe that Jesus is the Son of God, and that he died on the cross for our sins that we could be forgiven of all our sins and go to Heaven to be with Him forever. He said the purpose in life was very simple: to believe in Jesus and to tell others about Him. I thought, that sounds pretty clear and not so confusing as I thought. I prayed right then and there to accept Jesus as my Lord & Saviour. I had always learned that Jesus died on the cross and I believed in Him, but I never knew WHY he died. He died because He loves us. The punishment for our sin was a life apart from Him, like in the dream. But He wanted to provide a way for us to be close to Him and so He took the punishment for our sin by dying on the cross. That was our price that we were suppose to pay but God loves us and paid it for us. So, that if we only believe in Him, trust in Him, then He will come into our hearts and make all things new. We will spend eternity in Heaven with Him, forever cleansed of our wrong doing and forever made clean by what He did on the cross for us! How awesome is that! I was so thankful and I still am so thankful. Jesus, the God of the Universe, loves me, died for me, washes away my sin so that I can be clean, healed and freed.
This is where the journey of healing really began for me. After accepting Jesus into my heart as my Captain or Lord, then my heart changed. I no longer wanted to go out clubbing, no longer desired to smoke, no longer craved some of the dark things I turned to. The transformation began from the inside out.
I believe we left off in my journey to wholeness with the rape and abuse at age 16.
So desparate, alone, ashamed and feeling guilty, I kept praying to God to forgive me for what I had done. One night I had a dream that I had died and gone to heaven. In my dream, I approached God and asked Him to forgive me. He showed me someone who had gone to hell. This man was in a church and scenes of his life and all his wrong doing were played before him again and again. Then he started running down a hallway to escape but the hallway was narrow and he kept bumping into who looked mean and angry. He started screaming and I knew that was where he would spend the rest of his life. Then, I looked around me in the dream and I felt such peace and security and I knew that God had forgiven me and that was where I would spend the rest of my life...in Heaven.
A little bit after that dream, a friend explained to me at a new church I started going to with my family that if we believe that Jesus is the Son of God, and that he died on the cross for our sins that we could be forgiven of all our sins and go to Heaven to be with Him forever. He said the purpose in life was very simple: to believe in Jesus and to tell others about Him. I thought, that sounds pretty clear and not so confusing as I thought. I prayed right then and there to accept Jesus as my Lord & Saviour. I had always learned that Jesus died on the cross and I believed in Him, but I never knew WHY he died. He died because He loves us. The punishment for our sin was a life apart from Him, like in the dream. But He wanted to provide a way for us to be close to Him and so He took the punishment for our sin by dying on the cross. That was our price that we were suppose to pay but God loves us and paid it for us. So, that if we only believe in Him, trust in Him, then He will come into our hearts and make all things new. We will spend eternity in Heaven with Him, forever cleansed of our wrong doing and forever made clean by what He did on the cross for us! How awesome is that! I was so thankful and I still am so thankful. Jesus, the God of the Universe, loves me, died for me, washes away my sin so that I can be clean, healed and freed.
This is where the journey of healing really began for me. After accepting Jesus into my heart as my Captain or Lord, then my heart changed. I no longer wanted to go out clubbing, no longer desired to smoke, no longer craved some of the dark things I turned to. The transformation began from the inside out.
Monday, October 17, 2005
Vacation/Baby
I just got back from a 4 day vacation to Halifax to see my brother-in-law get married! It was a great time and I really enjoyed it, the people and the time with family!
One thing I'm kind of struggling through are some people's reactions to my doctor's advice to have me stay on 10 mg. of Paxil while trying to concieve and breastfeed. My mother-in-law wanted me to do more research. I told her the research published was only of initial studies and that this is what my doctor said. She handed me a newspaper clipping of an article about how paxil has a 1-2% higher risk of heart malformation in infants. Most who had heart malformations were reversed once born so the total number of increased risk is 1-2%. Honestly, the risk of something happening to me through NOT taking the medication is probably higher. As I think longer about my situation the more I think I could have a chemical imbalance. My friend who is a nurse said she said you should always trust your doctor. So, I do. I will not BLINDLY trust my doctor. I will weigh the pros and cons. I will be wise and keep my eyes open for new studies. But, I will also place a higher value on what my doctor says than what uninformed friends and family members think. Another friend when I told her, she gave me this look of "oh my goodness, are you serious" look. It was kind of disheartening. I have done more research than they have so who are they to judge? I will decide what's best for baby. I will weigh all the options and think and pray through them carefully. I don't need people's protest and lack of support during this time. Well, I guess, I will just have to inform them of what I know so far. So far it's proven to be safe. Some of the initial studies have shown withdrawal effects on baby infants. But, nothing long term. I hate the idea of withdrawal, but my doctor says that it is better for me to stay on it. I couldn't agree more. In a time of hormonal influx and changes, the more stable I can be with paxil, the better. Therefore, the harm in me not taking paxil, thinking harmful thoughts, being in a detrimental mood to the baby and self are WORSE, I think, than actually taking the medication and having some (perhaps, but not guarenteed) short-term affects. I want to cherish my baby and I want to love them while in the womb. Apparently, they know if they are loved or not before they are even born. So, it is important, that my attitude and frame of mind be a positive stable one and not one that's self-loathing or anxious. I think it's more important that I take my medication (the lowest dose) and enjoy my pregnancy and baby. This way, emotionally, my baby will have a secure, safe and stable environment to grow in! Yes, this is more important. Everything will be okay.
One thing I'm kind of struggling through are some people's reactions to my doctor's advice to have me stay on 10 mg. of Paxil while trying to concieve and breastfeed. My mother-in-law wanted me to do more research. I told her the research published was only of initial studies and that this is what my doctor said. She handed me a newspaper clipping of an article about how paxil has a 1-2% higher risk of heart malformation in infants. Most who had heart malformations were reversed once born so the total number of increased risk is 1-2%. Honestly, the risk of something happening to me through NOT taking the medication is probably higher. As I think longer about my situation the more I think I could have a chemical imbalance. My friend who is a nurse said she said you should always trust your doctor. So, I do. I will not BLINDLY trust my doctor. I will weigh the pros and cons. I will be wise and keep my eyes open for new studies. But, I will also place a higher value on what my doctor says than what uninformed friends and family members think. Another friend when I told her, she gave me this look of "oh my goodness, are you serious" look. It was kind of disheartening. I have done more research than they have so who are they to judge? I will decide what's best for baby. I will weigh all the options and think and pray through them carefully. I don't need people's protest and lack of support during this time. Well, I guess, I will just have to inform them of what I know so far. So far it's proven to be safe. Some of the initial studies have shown withdrawal effects on baby infants. But, nothing long term. I hate the idea of withdrawal, but my doctor says that it is better for me to stay on it. I couldn't agree more. In a time of hormonal influx and changes, the more stable I can be with paxil, the better. Therefore, the harm in me not taking paxil, thinking harmful thoughts, being in a detrimental mood to the baby and self are WORSE, I think, than actually taking the medication and having some (perhaps, but not guarenteed) short-term affects. I want to cherish my baby and I want to love them while in the womb. Apparently, they know if they are loved or not before they are even born. So, it is important, that my attitude and frame of mind be a positive stable one and not one that's self-loathing or anxious. I think it's more important that I take my medication (the lowest dose) and enjoy my pregnancy and baby. This way, emotionally, my baby will have a secure, safe and stable environment to grow in! Yes, this is more important. Everything will be okay.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Session
I'm going for a session with Dr. Q tonight. I was going to cancel a few days ago because I didn't have anything to talk about. Then, I started thinking about my parent's relationship and about how they never really loved each other. How it made me feel rejected. Then, Al & I got into a fight about something (I don't even remember what it was) and then I started feeling really upset. I banged my knees together really hard and kept trying to sleep in uncomfortable positions. Thoughts of self injury were flashing through my mind. I started calling myself names and I felt like I had to punish myself. In the last few days, I have gotten really frustrated at Al for silly things. I think there's something that's been bottled up. Well, at least now I have something to talk about with Dr. Q. I've been feeling really unsettled and I think it's hormonal.
This morning after I got into a fight with Al, I felt like I was going to loose it! But, I realized, I had a decision to make, a choice. I could choose to act out of the best of who I am. So, I decided today that I would love God, others and myself. I would choose to respect others and myself whether I felt like it or not. Like a muscle that needs exercise, I need to use the muscle for self-restraint from harming myself. It's a choice...At least now I know I have one. I smiled at a little girl outside my house and she smiled back and waved at me! It was so cute. So, I am at work and feeling a bit out of sorts but will continue to act out of the best of who I am and out of my values...love, respect and peace.
This morning after I got into a fight with Al, I felt like I was going to loose it! But, I realized, I had a decision to make, a choice. I could choose to act out of the best of who I am. So, I decided today that I would love God, others and myself. I would choose to respect others and myself whether I felt like it or not. Like a muscle that needs exercise, I need to use the muscle for self-restraint from harming myself. It's a choice...At least now I know I have one. I smiled at a little girl outside my house and she smiled back and waved at me! It was so cute. So, I am at work and feeling a bit out of sorts but will continue to act out of the best of who I am and out of my values...love, respect and peace.
