My Post

OK. Thank you for your encouargement and wise words. My marriage isn't falling apart. Al & I had a heart-to-heart. He's been pretty stressed about work lately and his mind was on work more than on home. But, it's funny, now that his priorities are straight, work seems to be going better. Isn't that always the way?!

My grandma is home with some extra services at her senior's apartment complex. She's doing well and recovered better than expected. My small group from church was praying for her and I am sure that made the difference!

There's air con. being installed at work!! Yes!!

I've been Paxil free now for six days. I'm feeling fine physically. I've had some small waves of panic hit me over the last couple of days, but I know that happens as the medicine leaves my body. As well, I've been feeling down the last few days. I'm trying to get some St. John's Wort tea.

I had a bad nightmare last night. The funny thing is that I think the movie "Win a Date with Ted Hamilton" is what gave me the nightmare. It brought back memories of the abuse for me. I don't want to go into details but it reminded me of the power that the abuser had over my life and how wrong it was for an older man of 23 to start dating a 14 year old. He really only had one agenda and I was too young to know it. It brought back anger towards the abuser for the wrong he did to me. It seems so clear after watching the movie how wrong it is to destroy the innocence of a young girl when you have already slept with so many other girls and you are just looking for the next thrill. Anyway, so I had bad dreams last night about a girl who had been sexually abused since she was a child. I felt such fear. When I woke up I tried not to think about it.

I've been feeling sad lately. On Sunday, I went to the old church where I used to go. I really, really missed everyone and just being there. It was fun to be there and hang out with my old pals. They will always be my friends and I will always love them. I know that Al & I can't really stay there but my heart has a hard time to accept that fact. It's good that we're still getting together though for bbqs and stuff like that. I love my new church because I really feel like I'm connecting with God and really growing in passion for Him. I feel challenged and people are like-minded in terms of theology. But, there's not the same family feel except within my small group. Even at that, I don't really know people well like at my old church. At my old church, people would goof off, play video games together, play hockey till late at night and just be silly together. At my new church, people are more "sophisticated" and I feel like everyone has huge walls around them. Like no one wants to really get to know you. People are friendly and I've known a lot of them for years but I still don't feel like I KNOW them. However, on the upside I guess I can be glad that I have a group of buddies I can hang out with and another group of friends that I can be challenged by spiritually. I can learn from both groups. The first group, I learn to be myself and how to be a community that loves each other. The second group, I learn to love God and how to extend friendship first. I guess I am blessed to have such a full life.

Al & I had a good heart-to-heart tonight. He loves me. I think sometimes he is just a guy and doesn't know how to communicate like a girl in terms of empathy and listening skills. I better go, he wants to go to bed and he's sick.

See you later!