Father's Glory

Find You

2007-11-23T01:14:00.000-05:00

Wow! It's been forever since I've posted. Sometimes when I go on facebook, I get all these rushing thoughts and emotions that I just need to vent...

Trying to find you
Any hint of you from the past
My memories
Where are you?
How can I find you?

You were so small.
Nothing to show for our friendship, but my memories and some photographs.
I miss you. I want to see you. I want to know that your life turned out well.

I am good and my life is better than I could have dreamed. Although I haven't gone as far in my career as I would have dreamed as a youngster, my life isn't over. I used those key times in life to build my character and heart. Inside I am okay. I am safe. I am settled and at peace. I have found joy. I have found life. Jesus is my life and forgave my sins...the ones you all probably know about so well. He has forgiven me. He will forgive you. It's okay now. I'm okay.

I know life was crazy there for a while. You probably didn't know what happened or where the old Joanna went to. Well, I'm back and better than ever. I'm married to a wonderful man who treats me well. I am happy. I am content.

Sure there are times when I look back and wish things could have been different. Who doesn't, I guess. I have many regrets, but I can't change the course of my life. I have learned and will continue to learn from my mistakes.

I am good. I am fine. I want to know where you are and how I can contact you. Your memory burns so bright, like a warm light that I can't get out of my head. If you find me, come say hi, old friend. You are always welcome here. You are already in my heart.

Come look for me.

Last Post to Al

2007-03-15T12:35:00.000-05:00

Ali,

Hope you had a good rest. If you get this message it must be just before you leave for Pune, New Dehli, Zurich and home! I'm praying for a safe, smooth and healthy trip home! The last email to the intercessors from me has gone out. Be sure to rest up lots on the plane, if you can, I will try to keep you up for as long as I can when you arrive home...to help you adjust to Toronto time. So, try to rest up, okay? I really want to go to Mother Tucker's when you come back. Ray & Junko will be there as well as myself. My parents will be at grandma's house packing up her apartment. I can't wait to see you, my love! My darling love who I cherish and adore. I am so uberly proud of you! You are amazing! I am also so thankful to God who has kept us safe, taught us invaluable lessons and ministered in awesome ways!! Yeah!!!

See you soon!:)

Kitten

Jo Loves Al

2007-03-14T19:32:00.000-05:00

Hi, Al!! I'm done venting! How are you? You are probably sleeping or waking up to your last full day in India. How does it feel to be leaving India? Are you glad to be coming home? I miss you like CRAZY!!!! Like CRAZY!!!! Arg!! I can't take it.

Yesterday, the picture of us fell behind my computer and I couldn't find it. It kind of fell on an angle so it was really hard to see. I accused Stephen H. (of course, who else?!) of taking it! People felt really sorry for me...I thought I was going to cry. It was very sad. But, I found it and it's okay now! I had to apologize to him though.

Al, I don't want to overwhelm you but there are a few social events going on that I haven't rsvp'ed to. Sharon, my coworker's b-day party, next Friday, Beth & Chris's mission fundraising event at the end of March, Kathy's swing dance party, not to mention her next cookie batch to order...we'll have to decide together when you get back!

Well, I'm super tired. I've been going to bed real late. I end up blogging longer than I plan on doing. I've been feeling much better, very regular...just tired. I haven't been as tired as I was on Monday but still tired. I don't think I'm pregnant. I think I've just been going to bed later than usual. I was very cranky today...very cranky. I don't think I've been that cranky in a very long time. Please come home!! I need huggies! It must be an Al huggie shortage!!! My love meter is quite low.

I guess it's just hard with you gone and now my mom & I not talking. I feel so overwhelmed, angry, lonely and horrible. I feel horrible about myself. I feel down. I wish you were here. You make everything better. At least it seems that way when you hug me. I can't wait till you come back...two and a half days.

No surprises when you get back. Sorry. Everything is pretty much the way you left it.

I promised I'd let the kids write a bit. (Eeyore) - I love you, Daddy! I'm taking care of LB and JJ. Bye. (LB) - Hi, Daddy!! When are you coming back? I miss you. I don't know where you are. Mommy says you're far away so far you need to take a plane. I can't see you every day. I miss you. I love you. (JJ) - Come back soon, okay?!

I love you! Have a good day!

More venting

2007-03-13T20:31:00.000-05:00

Hello, Al! I emailed you a couple of times this morning but one of the emails bounced back to me from your account. I'm not sure which one it was.

Anyway, I'm feeling better today. I am glad that I stood up for myself but I regret using such harsh words towards my mom in yesterday's blog. Oh another thing she did...Just before she went into the washroom, I asked her to keep the door shut because the hamster was out in her ball. In all fairness, I may not have been that clear. But you can imagine my shock when after they left, I realize the door was left open by my mom and my hamster was probably in that room roaming around. And she tries to tell me that she does listen to me. I told her she doesn't listen to me and she kept insisting, "I do listen!!!" (That was just before she asked me if the picture of Colin & Jessica was of my friend Krista.) I need my space and I think she should respect that. I'm not ready to talk to her yet. She has to respect that I need my space from her...I'm not in an emotional state where I can handle more of her rudeness. Am I a bad daughter and doing something bad? I know she would want to make me feel like one. But, I just don't want any of her guilt trips or her trying to appease her conscience without really looking at the issue. I don't want to be taken for a ride and be invalidated or manipulated. I deserve better than that and I need to create my own boundaries. This is what feels safe to me, not out of rejection, bitterness or vengence but out of my needs, what I can handle and what I actually require to process, adjust and create a safe place for me. I can't talk to her now. I am not going to feel bad about treating myself with respect. I am not going to feel bad about not disrespecting myself and invalidating myself just to appease HER conscience. If she really loved me, she would understand and want me to respect myself, my opinions and my needs.

It's so strange because I know that my mother-in-law presented with the same situation would have acted so completely different. She would have looked at the picture, commented on it, asked about our relationship to the people in the picture and really reflected deeply into the relationship & picture. By so doing, she would find out the most interesting things about our friends. And then, the next time we talked with her, she would probably ask, "How is Colin, Jessica & Fiona?" So polar opposite of each other!! Part of me wishes I grew up in Al's family...but then I couldn't marry Al and it would be weird...that thought only goes so far before I realize it wouldn't work. But, I know I wouldn't have had the emotional problems and scars that I have had to bear if I grew up in Al's family.

One thing issue that runs in my parents' family is disrespect. My dad doesn't respect my mom and vice versa. My mom doesn't respect me or my brother. There just doesn't seem to be a lot of respect at all in my family. It's devestating. It would be almost better if they just fought & worked on it OR separated. Not live in such a constant toxic environment pretending everything is fine while they actually resent each other! They made a decision when I was young to stay together for us. But, honestly, I don't think they did us much of a favour by staying together. I don't think they handled their marriage well nor the raising of us. I just don't think they're able to really handle life.

Post 101

2007-03-12T20:46:00.000-05:00

This is my 101st post on blogger! Yeah!!

It's 9:47 pm and I'm so tired, yet upset. My mom is so frustrating me!! She is so disrespectful and rude to me. She doesn't listen to me. She talks over me and interupts me while I'm talking. She doesn't really seem to care about me at all. She said she'd be at my house by 6:30 at the latest, well she called at 6:30 to say she'd be picking up the food and she showed up at 7pm. Well, I wish she just didn't come over!! I'm feeling extremely tired, exhausted, nauseous and sick. She comes in and just starts talking away about her life, her concerns and her thoughts. I tell her I'm tired and she just keeps talking about her life. No one helps me unpack the food as I feel like I'm going to faint. Then, as we eat, again she only seems interested in herself. When I talk, she interupts me and starts talking about something totally different than what I'm saying. I feel like I have to fight to just finish my sentences and be heard. For example, I showed her a picture of Colin, Jessica and their baby (Fiona...I think my mom was talking as I was trying to tell her the name of the baby). I said, "This is a picture of Colin, one of Al's friends, his wife and their baby ...(Fiona...my mom talks over me)". Then, about 1/2 hour later, she points to the same picture, in the same place and says, "Oh is that your friend, Krista?" She is just not interested in my life. I'm the one at home without my husband and feeling completely sick and she doesn't even care!! I repeatedly tell her, I don't need digestive enzymes, but she still keeps giving them to me. I don't need them. That's not my problem and I've told her that!!!! But, she doesn't seem to care. She is the most rude, selfish, self-absorbed person I know!! She doesn't seem to care what I'm going through. Her actions are so invalidating...she shows up late, talks over me, doesn't listen to what I have to say, doesn't respect my opinions and just wants to talk about her thoughts. She really does interupt me...like all night. It would have been better if I stayed home alone and cooked being sick rather than have her over and be rude to me. No one deserves to be treated that way. She has to look at how she treats me and others. She has to take a really hard look at her actions and her rudeness. I won't put up with it. I guess I just expected a mom who would care about me and want to take care of me. But, I was expecting too much. First, she didn't seem to care that I was feeling tired and sick...she didn't comment on it or say anything...she just kept going with her speel about her life. I hate the way she makes me feel about myself. It makes me feel so horrible about who I am as a person. It makes me feel like I'm nothing. I would rather never talk to her again, ever, than have her treat me so disrespectfully. If she can't treat me well, then I'd rather not be around her. No one else treats me like that and I don't treat others like that...why does my mom treat me so badly? I hate her. I wish she wasn't my mother. I wish she never had me. I wish she wasn't around me. I wish that I wasn't her daughter. I wish I had a nice mom who actually cared about me, thought about me before herself and respected me. I guess that's asking too much. Why can't I just admit it...my mom is a very selfish person and she will never really care for me the way that most moms would care for their daughters. She is too self absorbed to care about my life, my needs, my wants, my hopes and who I am. She is too busy putting me down to really see who I am. I hate my mom. I wish she wasn't my mom. I don't want to talk to her. She wants to call me or email me tomorrow. But, I really don't want to talk to her at all. I wish I could disown her.

Jo loves Al, part 8

2007-03-12T17:13:00.000-05:00

I LOVE YOU!! Sorry, I didn't email back quicker to you! Monday morning after being away 2 business days is not really my best time to do personal emails. But, I read them all and I'm so glad that you emailed me!!

I gotta be quick 'cause my parents are coming over with Chinese food. I offered to make them dinner but they ended up offering to get take out. I'm so relieved because I was feeling really tired this afternoon. I don't think I packed enough food today. I am going to let them take care of me.

How are you feeling? Please keep me updated!

I'm still really not myself yet. I feel pretty good stomach wise except I'm feeling a bit nauseous...probably due to tiredness. I tried to go to bed early but I couldn't sleep. I think the decaff tea actually has some caffeine in it. It usually keeps me up. Anyway, I'm tired today.

Well, gotta go clear a space for all of us to eat, put the laundry in and wash some dishes so we have cups to drink from.

I'll chat with you soon. I love you soooo much!! You're my bear!! My bear!! My furry bear!!! I will try to email you when you're back on email and it can be like instant messanger...I'll take it as my break/lunch time.

Anyway, gotta go. I love you!

See you in 5 days (or just under 5 days)!!

Jo

Al, Part 7

2007-03-11T10:00:00.000-05:00

Allan,

Thanks for your email and email to the intercessors. This gives a much clearer idea of how to pray for you and the team. I'm sorry to hear about Mary's ex-husband. Will she be leaving early or will she miss the funeral?

You know what...I was rarely encouraged by Sunday overseas. I found it difficult to get the whole message through a translator and it was usually boring. But, it is sad to hear that the message was unbiblical. I guess there's a need for more theological training and libraries in that area. That is also an area of prayer that we can pray about when you come back.

Well, it's Sunday night now and you must have arrived in Lonavala. (I think it's spelt Lonavala.) Anyway, I hope that your accomodations are clean, comfortable and cool. I have been praying for you and for refreshment.

One image that comes to mind is that of red paint being poured out all over you. I've been praying that you and the whole team, as well as the attendees, will be covered in the LOVE of GOD. Covered in a way that stays and lingers like paint after it's poured over you. I've been praying for the Holy Spirit to brood and hover over you. I'm praying for comfort and healing for Mary and the "epiknowsis" knowledge of God's strength and presence for her children.

One song comes to mind that you'll remember from Youth Group days...The Battle Belongs to the Lord.

"The Battle Belongs To The Lord
Jamie Owens-Collins

In heavenly armor we'll enter the land
The battle belongs to the Lord
No weapon that's fashioned against us shall stand
The battle belongs to the Lord

We sing glory and honor
Power and strength to the Lord
(repeat)

The power of darkness comes in like a flood
The battle belongs to the Lord
He's raised up a standard, the power of His blood
The battle belongs to the Lord

When your enemy presses in hard do not fear
The battle belongs to the Lord
Take courage my friend, your redemption is near
The battle belongs to the Lord

Copyright © 1984 Fairhill Music, Inc."

I believe that is you guys...although you have faced battles on this trip thus far, you are covered in His armour and will enter the land. The battle is God's, not yours. Rest assured that God has heard your pleadings and will rescue you. He will fight for you. Take courage, He is with you.

Thanks for praying for me. I feel refreshed today and renewed by God's Holy Spirit. Here is a great prayer that I've been praying almost every day that helps me: http://www.evanwiggs.com/revival/prinpray/warfare.html Praying it may also help you.

Take care. All my love.

In Christ,

Jo

Al, part 6

2007-03-10T20:14:00.000-05:00

Dear Al,

I miss you. You're my bear and I miss my bear. I look forward to seeing you in 7 days. Your time in India is now just past the half way point. The kids miss you too. LB was upset because I had to leave him here while at the retreat. I don't know if he's forgiven me yet. I didn't want Stephen H. to take him as a joke so I thought it'd be safer if he stayed here. He is quite upset and he's also been very clingy, today. I'm sure he'll be back to his usual bouncy self soon.

Ottawa Sens are winning against Toronto, now, 2-0. It's the 2nd period and your team is doing very well.

I feel a bit lonely today. I have to stay home because I need to recover but that also means I couldn't have dinner with Ray & Junko. I didn't do all the chores I wanted to as I opted to rest. The house may be messy when you come back.

I'm sorry I couldn't pray as much as I wanted to during the retreat as we didn't have much free time and the schedule was jammed pack. I hope things still went well, despite the oppression at the one orphanage. Please send me specific prayer requests as I'm finding it difficult to pray since I've come back from the retreat. I'm not sure if you cc'ed the report to Eugene to me but I didn't receive it. I also didn't receive an email specifically to the intercessors that you said you'd send, so I just cut & paste the stuff you sent me in your emails. I did tell Minnie and my parents that you'd be sending an email to the intercessors specifically. They were really excited about this. I don't know if you tried to send it and it didn't get received? I'm not sure if you remember promising to send these two items but I'm really disappointed that I didn't receive either of them. Please clearly label this email to the intercessors in the subject line and in the opening address so I don't mistake it for a personal email. I will forward the entire email to all of your intercessors. If you don't have access to the internet now, just let me know and I'll tell Minnie & my parents that you'll update them once you're back.

2-1 for Ottawa.

Anyway, I'm tired and I'm going to go now. I'll talk to you later.

Jo Loves Al, part 5

2007-03-09T22:18:00.000-05:00

Dear Al,

Thanks for your emails and prayers!! I'm glad to hear that you had a good sleep on Thursday night. I can't believe you prayed for about 80 people at the clinic on Thursday!!! Hope you had a good night off!!

The retreat was good, but exhausting. Thank you so much for praying!! On Thursday I woke up at 5:45 a.m. and got to work at 7:35 a.m. Then, we left work just before 8 a.m. to go to the retreat centre. Then, when we arrived at the retreat, it seemed we went right into a 1 HR long session of Brian S. talking! It was good but long and stories that I already knew about. Then, there we had a great lunch but maybe I had too many dairy products or my body was just too exhausted because I ended up not feeling well about 45 mins to 1 hr into the 2nd session. I just felt so exhausted and sick. I stepped out near the end to use the washroom. Then, we were able to finally check into our rooms. I had diaherra and I napped during the 3rd session of the day!!! Then, I woke up feeling a better but still sick. I had to lead the games and the games went really well. People really enjoyed them. I just toughed it out. Then, I went to someone's room afterwards and played pictionary until about 10:15 p.m. Some people stayed up and played Nintendo Wee system until 1:30 a.m. or talking with their roommate. But, I needed to sleep and recover so I went to bed at 10:30 p.m. I woke up around 6 a.m. hoping to use the business centre to check my emails but the centre wasn't open. So, I just did devotions, prayed for you guys and chatted with Albert about Staff Council. I ended up confusing the breakfast start time because I left my folder with the agenda in the session room. So, I woke up an extra 1/2 hour early. Anyway, we had breakfast and Dr. Sherbino spoke about taking a Sabbath (Stop Day) once a week. I really appreciated it. We had communion. We ate lunch and left. Praise God though because I was fine on the drive up and back. I took an immodium after breakfast and I am fine. I was so blessed when I came back to Tyndale and realized you were praying for my stomach! Thank you!

When I got back, I played Texas Hold'Em poker in Josh's room with Kevin. It was so fun!! I was ok but on my last turn, I took Josh down a lot of chips! It was fun! Then, I had to register the phone bill under my name before I could pay it! So, while I was at Laureleaf, I ended up getting Subway for dinner and two movies. I bought Top Secret and Wayne's World. I went back to work and tried to work a bit (cause I promised Phil I would). Mostly I talked to the telecounsellors who were there! Then, I went shopping for snack. Although I felt so exhausted, I wanted to bring snacks, see people and report on you.

So, I went to small group and shared how you were doing. They were encouraged. Minnie had a print out of the prayer updates and Ryung loves receiving them! We talked about what we wanted to do next in small group. Ideas that we'll be doing...studying a book of the Bible (Minnie will look for a book), painting class, possibly making a banner together, trying to do a non-churchy group thing e.g. freedomize/meeting house/renaissance church outreach, taking a verse(s) home for the week to reflect on and share the following week for praise and potluck. (Of course potluck!) Carrie's back from her travels and considering a possible career change in the distant future. JD is leaving for Cheese place (sorry, I forget the state) on MONDAY!! He wasn't there. So, it's back to our old group again! Sonia and Hyungju will join when they can make it. Apparently Hyungju has been suffering with a medical issue (Minnie forgot the name but thought it was fibromyalga. I know for sure Soonil has fibromyalga so I'm not sure if she has it, too, or something similar.) Anyway, so we prayed for Hyungju, JD, Carrie, YOU and I at the end. George was there, but playing with Mercy the whole time. Mercy was quite involved in her play with George. It was cute.

Anyway, so I'm home now and going to rest. Ray & Junko invited me for dinner tomorrow, but I think it'll be too much for me. I'm still not 100% and I think I just need lots of rest. I'm waking up at 5:30 a.m. when your alarm usually goes off. It's strange.

Anwyay, I'm really exhausted. I'm going to go to bed.

I really love you. I will pray for you more tomorrow!! Tomorrow, will be ONE week since you left and there will only be ONE more week to go. It sounds so life changing what you're experiencing and I'm so excited to hear all your stories in more detail. I so love you. I do miss you a lot! I will definitely save lots of cuddles for you!! I'm storing them up! It was nice because at the retreat, Beth R. gave me hugs (and possibly others?) and Carrie gave me a hug tonight. Ryung wants to go for dinner next week. I just feel like God is really watching out for me and protecting me. I feel safe at night now. And I think the stress I felt was all mental stress and anxiety of not being able to do your role well. You know you are the responsible time keeper, schedule manager of the house? Well, I definitely miss someone around to remind me of daylight savings, when it's time to leave to be somewhere on time...to keep me focused on the tasks at hand. So, I think I'm doing well but not as good as you are at it.

Anyway, I'm feeling kind of ....blah....yucky...I need to go to bed. I love you so much Al!!! I hope I get a chance to hear from you in Lanavlla!! I guess I will just have to see.

Take care!!! I love you!! And yes, a queen size bed is for two plus the "kids".

Love,

Cuddle Bunny

Al, Part 4

2007-03-07T21:23:00.000-05:00

Al,

Thank you for your email and prayers! I really love receiving your updates. It's so encouraging for me to receive them! Thank you for praying for me. Although it was a short sleep, I have felt rested all day. I'm glad to have a night at home so I can catch up on chores and get ready for the retreat.

Oh yeah, there's no internet connection unless I pay at the retreat centre. I leave at 7 AM tomorrow and won't come back until Friday afternoon (Saturday while you sleep). When I come back from the retreat on Friday afternoon, I will check my emails before I go to small group. Please keep emailing because I do want to hear from you and I'll get it very shortly.

Kevin is driving Sharon and I to the retreat centre from work. I'll be emceeing the games on Thursday. If you remember, please pray for peace for me as I embark on an unknown place and driving for a 1 1/2 hour trip (hopefully that or shorter). Please pray for good digestion and against clausterphobia and panic attacks as I sit in meetings and drive there/back. And please pray that I get to and back from Barrie as well as small group safely.

How is the food? Any specific prayer requests besides the sleep?

I have definitely been praying for you! Peter B. (lawyer/producer guy) said he was praying for you so I added him to your prayer list. Usually, I feel prompted to pray for another specific team member while I pray for you. So, I'm also praying for the team in a round-about way. This verse is what I'm claiming for you, "'And these signs will follow those who believe. In My name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues; they will take up serpents; and if they drink anything deadly, it will by no means hurt them; they will lay hands on the sick, and they will recover.'" Mark 16:17-18 It's not just words in the Bible that Jesus spoke, but it's a lifestyle into which you were born. Paraphrased 'In Jesus's name, Allan will cast out demons, speak in new tongues. Allan will take up serpents, if he drinks/eats anything deadly, it will be no means hurt him; Allan will lay hands on the sick and they will recover.' I also see you sleeping in armour. I pray that it stays on you all the time, even as you sleep at night!

Have a really great next couple of days! I will, too! We will touch base in less than 48 hours. OH, and another thing...if you get a chance, please email a prayer letter to me addressed to your intercessors. I will forward your update to them. They may appreciate hearing from you directly regarding your updates, praise & prayer items. I have been quoting you, but they'll get a better sense of how things are going by experiencing your stories firsthand. I've been hesistant to forward the emails or large portions of the emails to them because they're interlaced with personal stuff (Which I love!!) Just a thought if you have time. If you don't, don't worry about it at all!!

Anyway, I hope we can have contact when you're in Lanavlla. I know someone who was in YWAM but at another mission training centre in South America, I think, and she rarely was able to use to the internet. Anyway, I hope I can still contact you next week. It would be good to still touch base through email and this blog. Either way, I will keep you in my prayers.

You're the best husband ever!!! I am so lucky and blessed to be married to you!!! You are so wonderful, Allan! I remember all the wonderful things I love about you and why I married you! I am soooo in love with you. I can't wait to see you when you get back.

I'm feeling much better, today, so I think I've recovered now. (HOPEFULLY!) So, I don't see any problems in meeting you at the airport. Looking forward to that reunion. The weather forcast says it will be a balmy 0 degrees!;) Hey, that's balmy compared to the temperatures we're experiencing now. I can't complain though because I just didn't want to drive through flurries. It should be okay driving for this week and next week!! Only Saturday night may be yucky driving conditions but I won't have to go anywhere.

For your entertainment since I'll be gone two days....

5 Things I've Learned while Al is away...

5. The definition of "helper" as used in Hebrews 13:6 is from the Greek word Boe "A cry for help" and theo "to run". Boehos is one who comes running when we cry for help. The Lord describes the Lord as poised and ready to rush to the relief of His oppressed children when they shout for His assistance. (Spirit-filled Life Bible, page 1889)

4. LB still gives good cuddles.

3. I can do all the housework and chores on my own.

2. Rice can be left in the fridge for at least 5-7 days (when did we last make rice?) and still be good.

1. A queen size bed is meant for one.

Hee! Hee! Some humour in there for you! I do miss you!!

Love you lots and lots,

Jo

Al, part 3

2007-03-06T22:03:00.000-05:00

Al,

Not going to be a long post. It's 10:03 p.m. I very recently got back from dinner with Junko, Auntie Rose, Mom, Dad & Ray. We arrived at 7 p.m. (the time set) and we didn't get seated until close to 8 p.m. By that time, I'm totally exhausted and I didn't eat much at all. I started to feel better as I ate some chicken alfredo and got a second wind. Anyway, by the time the cake had come and the gifts were exchanged, it was just after 9 p.m. Even though they were still having tea, I left. And I just got back around 9:45 pm plus I had to take care of the pets. Anyway, I'm TOTALLY exhausted. I had ginerale for my stomach so I hope I can sleep well.

Anyway, I am going to bed now, if I can sleep.

Love you. I'll write more when I can. It may be a busy morning as we're expecting 2-4 cm of snow overnight & 2 cm tomorrow morning so I don't know what the commute will be like.

I'm SOOOO TIRED and WRETCHEDLY exhausted! I'll try to pray for you before I go to bed.

Al, part 2

2007-03-05T20:07:00.000-05:00

Well, Monday....I'm feeling better, but not 100%. I did get through the day without any problem, though! Sarala (spelling?) your coworker sent me a really encouraging email and wished me well on my health. It was such a blessing! She's really awesome!

I had a good session with Crystal tonight. It was productive and we talked about the critic. It was a reminder of what Dr. Quek taught me with a new twist. So, I will be thinking about how to deal with the critic and what works for me. It will definitely help me during these next two weeks!

Not to make you jealous but if I'm feeling well enough, I'm going to Frankie Tomattos for Junko's b-day. I'll pay for the phone bill and maybe pick up Tim Horton's coffee for us. I've been enjoying tea in the morning instead of coffee. It's quite good and much gentler on my stomach.

Remember how I was sick on the day you left? Well, I took 2 immodiums and I've been kind of stopped up. I just had a small bm tonight but not like normal. I've been eating a well balanced diet...except I didn't have salad tonight. I really should have...I kind of ran out of time and didn't feel like eating it. Anyway, I had an apple and maybe I'll have salad for breakfast?! Anyway, so I hope I get more regular soon.

In other news...your parents, my parents and Ray & Junko emailed me after I sent out the report. They were really encouraged. We were really praying that you would have a safe journey in and for good connections for work! It was encouraging that you already found a connection for work! Praise God!

I will keep praying for you. If you have the specific agenda for the week, like if you know what days you'll be doing what things, let me know! If not, don't worry because the Lord will let me know what you need prayer for. I just thought it would be helpful. I can email that out to the crew and it will help us focus our prayers. Like, I'll remember ....oh, you're doing this now ...so pray for this... 'Cause I think of you all the time and wonder what you're doing. I think about you sleeping while it's night time. I think about how cute you are when you sleep. When it's day time, I think about your laugh....you're "I think this is funny or what I said makes me kind of laugh...or we all need to lighten up now so I will laugh..." laugh. It's kind of a two breath, high pitch kind of laugh with dimples and wrinkles. I picture you doing that lots while you're there.

Hey, have Rob & Mary arrived?

I checked the weather online and it seems really HOT there!! Wow! 32C and sunny! Nice! It's snowed while I was driving home and it has been REALLY cold. It was really windy.

Toronto news...Police shut down the gardiner today and areas around the CN Tower. Ice is falling off of the tower. Even another part of downtown was shut down because a building had ice falling off from it. The TTC will be expanding to York U and up north to the 905 area. That's kind of it.

I really miss you! I really love you!!! You're so amazing!!! I hope you have a great, fantastic, wonderful day, honey! I really am so proud of you!! I just hope you'll give any orphans you see a real big hug from me!! It really breaks my heart to think that there are so many children without parents...that makes giving you up for 2 weeks so much easier. It would seem so selfish of me to want you here when there are so many there without any parental love. Please do give them hugs for me! I will pray for them. If you learn any names that really touch your heart, let me know. I will pray for them specifically...even when you come back, we'll keep praying for them.

Anyway, gotta go...it's time for early bedtime routine. Gotta pray for you guys and get to bed early, tonight.

Remember that I love you so very much! I will see you soon. I'm not counting days because it's too discouraging...rather I know in my heart that we are still together in purpose and love.

Yours always,

Jo

Hotmail issues

2007-03-05T20:03:00.000-05:00

Dear Ali,

I love you! In case you're up early in the morning, I don't want you to think I have forgotten about you! I sent an email to all the intercessors based on your email at lunch today. Your email was sent back to me by hotmail. I guess there are some issues with your account or the address I used, although I double checked and I'm sure it's correct. Anyway, I told people they could email you there a quick encouragement, but you may not be receiving them.

Anywho...I will write more in a few minutes. I just want to publish this first thought in case you only have a few minutes before you have to be somewhere.

If you're around for longer, check back in about 20-40 mins.

Love you lots,

Jo

Al's Time

2007-03-04T08:14:00.000-05:00

Notes to Al, part 1

2007-03-03T20:41:00.000-05:00

Hi, Al. I hope you're well. You're on the plane, now. I thought I'd write to you, in case you check soon.

I sent a prayer email off to all your intercessors and gave them your itinerary.

I'm sorry I couldn't see you off at the airport. I rested for about 1/2 hour and then drove back home. I was fine driving. But, I felt sick when I stopped driving and got home. Junko must be better because Ray & Junko went to Auntie Rose's. My stomach is still feeling topsy turvy. I called Rob to tell him I wouldn't be going to Acts. I tried to watch the end of the movie but it got stuck at scene 22 - Dustin Hofman & Will Farrell are talking about how unavoidable his death is. I cleaned the DVD and restarted it several times. It is not playing even scene 23, now! I may try it on the laptop tomorrow before I return it.

Anyway, I'm not feeling lonely...it is only day 1 or day 0. I guess that's why. I think I'm more nervous that I'm going to forget something important like feeding the fish or Junko's birthday or paying a bill. I wrote out an agenda so I don't forget something important that you usually take care of. I just wish I felt better physically. It's such a bummer! I'm going to stay home and rest tomorrow. I think I have this fear deep down inside that I'm incapable of being an independent adult. It's kind of scary being out on your own. I haven't been a very nurturing person to myself in the past, so I need to learn how to take good care of myself in the next two weeks.

I think I was feeling a bit anxious for you, too. I get all butterflies when I think of you in India and all the important stuff you'll be doing there. I just think of how I'll be away from you and how you'll be experiencing all these new things...and I get nervous for you. I'm nervous for me, too. Experiencing all these new things...the retreat, driving every day, living without you here. A lot of new things for both of us. We will have to rely on Jesus. He is always faithful.

If I lean on Him now does it mean that I'm using Him because I'm afraid and you're not here? Why don't I lean on Him first even when you're here? When you come back, Al, I want our marriage to be more Christ-centered. I want to trust and lean on Him more as a couple and I want to lean on Him more daily.

Anyway, I should go to sleep soon. I just want to say, "I LOVE YOU!" Kiss, hug, kiss, hug!! LB says, "Hi and he loves you, too!"

See you in 15 days from now!!! Have a great time! Enjoy!! Oh and be sure to take lots of pictures...of both people and landscape. The land looks absolutely breathtaking from what I saw on the internet! So, please be sure to capture the landscape as well as the people!!

Love you lots!!! You're in my thoughts & prayers! Love you so much!

Helping

2007-02-19T18:18:00.000-05:00

For my life coaching that I'm going through I am suppose to blog about my experiences helping people.

First, who do I help? I help students at work, my husband by doing house/chores stuff, staff by doing staff council stuff, my husband by talking with him about problems or just listening to life stuff. My grandma and family by doing thoughtful things for them, eg visiting them or bringing them cards or flowers.

I'm not a good helper is my first response. I think I'm a bit too self absorbed at this point in time. I really need to open my eyes to the needs of those around me. That's my initial response.

What have I done within the past two weeks to help people? How did I feel during that time? I must admit that I lead a very unhelping lifestyle for someone who feels they love to help. I helped give to my friend a floorplan of a townhome in Ajax that I didn't need anymore, even though she was thinking of buying our condo. I felt good doing that because she would know that I'm looking out for her best interest and not just mine.

I helped someone two Sundays ago with an inner healing question. Two Sundays ago during worship I felt that God was challenging me to go into inner healing ministry. I felt that I was to surrender to this purpose in my life and this passion I had in my life. Just after the service, my friend came up to me and asked for my advice on a dilemma she was having. I listened and had no advice to give to her. Then, I started talking outloud and thought if I was in her situation what would I do. So, I recommended a certain thing and she said thought it was a great idea. Then, she said that she learned that already in inner healing from Rob & Mary. She said she felt so much better. And I felt such a huge awe that I could be a part of helping someone with some problems they were having. I felt so glad that she felt better and relieved. I was just happy to be a part of the process. I felt it was confirmation that I could be used to help people and that people are blessed. Maybe it is a gift that I am suppose to use to help others. I should not shy away from it.

Typical day-to-day helping with chores around the house and stuff like that I really dread to be honest. I feel better after I do them but that's because it's one thing off my plate and the house doesn't look like a tornado struck it. It does help when I think...Well, this is really serving my husband so he can concentrate on other things. So, I do feel good when I can serve or help Al...it does make the whole experience more pleasant and joyful. But as a rule, chores are not fun in anyway for me except that I've shared in my part of the work.

Helping students is very fun but I don't really do much direct helping anymore. I mean I communicate with them but they're not coming to my desk asking for anything.

I helped someone pick out a devotional book at the resource table. He really liked it and I was so glad. I felt glad that he discovered a great book and that God was ministering to him through it. I love being used by God to do things for others. It gives my life meaning.

I really need to look for ways to help others more. I really do enjoy it, but I don't often look for opportunities or take advantage of opportunities that come my way.

Al & I are helping this new guy, Rob, get adjusted to our church. We drive him before and after service. We talk to him and I am going to find out what the nearest small group for him to go to is so I can introduce them. I've really, really enjoyed giving Rob a ride because it means that he can come to church without taking several buses and we're so close to him. It makes me feel like I'm blessing someone else and making friends. I like getting to know people and making friends with others. It's really fun to help see others grow in their faith and be a part of God's plan. It makes me feel happy, fulfilled, purposeful and like a blessing to others. It's important for me to be doing these things because it makes me feel like my life has purpose and meaning...like I'm doing what I ought to do. Like my life is worth more?! More full. More inconvenienced, but that makes it more rewarding because I went out of my way to help someone.

At work, my coworker is having some health issues. I listened to her and offered the name of my doctor incase she wanted a second opinion or to switch doctors. I said I would pray for her. I think it helped her and it made me feel like I was being part of the solution. This made me feel like I was being a friend to her and showing care for her. This was really encouraging for me to be able to assist someone in their time of need.

Last night, Al & I prayed for my grandma and brother. This was very helpful because it was calming for Al & I, but I also felt like I was helping. I felt a peace knowing that God would take care of things. At work, I pray for different kind of stuff and I love listening to people share and praying for them. I like to see their smile after prayer and for them to know that it will be okay. I like to see people being comforted and happy. It brings me joy and satisfaction inside.

In summary, I help people in various different ways. I guess, I really like helping bring comfort and joy to people rather than just physically helping others.

Interests

2007-01-06T10:37:00.000-05:00

I updated my profile. It's time for me to be me and not just the disorder. I find this blog is just about mental health. But, I need a place where I can just be me. Either I start a new blog on a new spot or I just change this one to be a bit more holistic. Not sure what to do.

Anyway, here's the real me. I love art. I've gotten into painting lately. My brother bought me some watercolours for Christmas. I took an art class this Fall but it was more about prophetic art than art itself. It was really great. I learned a lot. My teacher's name is Christine Peterkin and she has a site called Inspirational Art. If you google her, you can see her art work. I would love to buy one of her paintings.

Al & I met have grown close to another couple in our church's small group. The wife is extremely gifted in art as she went through art school. She went through a cult experience and they made her throw out all her art!! Crazy!!! Her Christian friends were encouraging her not to, but at that point, her life was so controlled by this cult. Anyway, this couple is finally coming out of the effects of this cult. The wife is starting to paint, again. So, we're both kind of on this art journey, together. We may do a banner out of cloth for our church. Not sure, yet. They have been such great friends to us. I think they're the only couple friends that Al & I are close to, besides my brother and his wife.

My sister-in-law is pregnant, again. But, she saw the heartbeat of the fetus and the shape of a baby. This is extremely good news after a difficult miscarriage, earlier this year, where there was no "baby". I still don't understand what happened last time. Anyway, this time it looks good. After her next ultrasound in a few weeks, she will go public with her pregnancy.

I went to Ottawa this Christmas to see Al's family. Apparently, Al's brother, Gord knows this guy Jamie who has recently devoted his life to helping people who cut. Gord said that Jamie just blogged about cutting and then all these people started commenting and it turned into a life ministry. It started with this one girl who cut and was addicted to drugs. Jamie spent time with her while she detoxed and then put her through rehab. He quit his job and is dedicated to helping people stop cutting. I was very touched. After Gord said this, Al & I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to disclose. We just sat for a few seconds in total silence, not knowing what to say next. I could have shared, but I didn't know how. It was awkward. I think it's the guy who is on My Space under the name Jamie writes.

My friend, Minnie, is bringing her boyfriend, George out to our church, each week. He normally attends his church in a different part of town. But, the two are serious and this is one of the issues they need to resolve before they get engaged...which church will they go to. I hope he stays. He's tall, Greek and shy. He's really smart, funny and nice. Because he's shy and not charismatic (in theological leaning), I think he's been slow in warming to our church. I really think they make a great match, though. I hope it works out that he joins us rather than us losing Minnie!!!

Those are my thoughts this Saturday morning.

Friend

2006-12-15T08:45:00.000-05:00

“I will talk to the Father, and he'll provide you another Friend so that you will always have someone with you.” John 14:16

"Trust implies more than this, it sees and feels, and leans upon a person, a great, true, living heart of love. So let us "trust also in him," through all the delays, in spite of all the difficulties, in the face of all the denials, notwithstanding all the seemings, even when we cannot understand the way, and know not the issue; still "trust also in him, and he will bring it to pass." The way will open, the right issue will come, the end will be peace, the cloud will be lifted, and the light of an eternal noonday shall shine at last." Mrs. Charles E. Cowman, taken from Streams in the Desert

My husband or any living person can't be my constant friend who always knows what to say at the right time to keep me from spiraling downward. No person can really help me get better. I have to just trust in God to be my friend. I trust that He will never leave me. When my husband or others don't know how to help me, I always have my God to help me through. I must lean on Him.

Polar Bear Blog

2006-12-12T08:44:00.000-05:00

Polar Bear...I couldn't log on to comment on your webpage. It wouldn't take my password. But, I wanted you to know that you are heard. This blog is dedicated to you. I admire your strength and courage. I am thankful for your friendship. I appreciate that in the midst of all your struggles, you are honest and real. I am amazed at how far you have come through all the trials. I am saddened by what life has thrown your way. I see a caring in you and a warmth that makes me feel secure inside. I see a hope and determination in you that gives me courage in my fight for freedom and health. You are wonderful. I am proud of you. I am thankful for you.

Polar Bear this is for you! Below is my comment that I would have posted, if I could have...

Polar Bear, You have been doing well. I commend your efforts and hard work. I know it must not have been easy for you.

You deserve to live. You are entitled to life...a good life...the life you are making for yourself. You deserve to live in your nice house that you are making. You deserve it all. You deserve love, to be heard, to be cared for, to be valued....you deserve it all.

Please don't give in to the lies. I will try to do the same. We can work together on it, okay?

Yuki

Blah Blah Blah

2006-11-26T17:36:00.000-05:00

Sunday night. I'm here in bed like I've been for most of the weekend. I've been feeling overwhelmed by feelings of depression this weekend. It started on Friday, my day off. I spent the day relaxing, doing nothing and thinking about life. It was okay but by the end of the night, I went downhill. I couldn't get out of bed to go out with friends and I kept crying. The borderline came out and I started acting so strange and wanting to hurt myself. I was acting mean to Al and I felt so unconsolable.

Saturday we were suppose to have my aunts over to our house but my husband was going loopy by this point and we cancelled. He was feeling so frustrated, hurt and upset and he was loosing it! My mom came over. But, in the process, she also hurt me by calling me a spoiled brat. A favourite expression of hers.

Well, now it's Sunday and we managed to get to church. But, I felt so sad inside. Saturday night was probably the highlight of the weekend. Al & I played Mario Kart and talked about the abuse. I felt free to talk to him and so I poured out my heart.

I asked Al and I ask you as well...Do you think it's stange that Glenn, 22 years of age, kept hanging out at night with us girls who were between 11-14? He kept hanging out with this one girl, Allison. I walked into our girls cabin and found her sitting on his lap. They were alone and it was dark in the cabin. As well, I remember sleeping in a cabin when I was 13 with my friends, and Glenn being there. He kept trying to persaude us to let him join us in our sleeping bag. We all refused. I think I felt sorry for him because he kept complaining how cold he was, so I let him put his feet into my sleeping bag. That's how the zipper broke on our sleeping bag. After the leader found out about how Glenn was in our cabin at night, he told Glenn to not hang out in our cabin at night. (And the leader was pretty cool and liberal so if he put his foot down on Glenn, it must have been inappropriate.) So, then all the girls ended up at the campfire with Glenn. Some others joined. But, it was mostly Glenn and us young girls. It was his idea. He wanted to point out all the stars to Allison. He then thought it would be a great idea to bring out all the mattresses so we could all lie down under the stars together. I remember we all didn't think it was a good idea, but he wouldn't listen. He brought out all the mattresses and lied beside Allison, the 11 year old and we all lied down too. Now that I think about it as an adult, it does seem strange. Why at night would he hang out with a bunch of 11-14 year girls when all the people his age were doing something else? It does seem like he was preying on us. I remember him being close to Allison's older sister and her parents. But, that's what sex offenders do is try to get close to the parents to gain trust. Well, that was the summer before we started "dating". As well, another thing that seems strange to me is that he dated a 17 year old girl when he was 22. She looked like she was 19 but she was still in her second last year of highschool. This guy seemed to have a problem with being infactuated with young girls. Comments are welcome.

Anyway, well, so I've been pondering that fact. I've been pondering how it was a hideous crime that seems to have happened to me. It wasn't just a error in judgement within our relationship, it was a crime for him to prey on me and use me. He was not only wrong, but it was a criminal act. That's really hard hitting because I've never really viewed it like that before. As well, the show on Dateline about catching older men preying on young girls through the internet has also brought this to the surface. I see how wrong it truly is what Glenn did to me. I see the expression on the men's faces as they are confronted by the host of the show. The guys know what they are doing is wrong and they know that they're planning something unjust. None of them ever say, "Yes, I'm planning on having sex with a 13 year old and there is nothing wrong with that, is there?" They all either deny they knew the girl's age or deny they were going to have sex with her or apologize profusely. But all of them know it's wrong to be sexual with a young girl. So, Glenn would have known it was wrong too. I wish he was caught the way these guys are being caught. I wish he was in handcuffs and forced to have his life shattered. I wish he was in jail now. I wish he never did what he did. (At least I'm not wishing he was dead like before.)

I just want my life to be normal! I want my life to happen without the hurt, borderline and depression getting in the way of my plans! I was going to have a FUN, FUN weekend!!! But, all the borderline behaviour came in and wrecked it! I hate BPD!!!! I hate you, BPD!!!! Go away and never come back!!! I wish there was some magical cure that could take all the pain away! I wish that Glenn never did what he did because then I wouldn't be dealing with BPD! I was fine before the abuse happened. And I'm still fine most of the time...especially lately. It's just this weekend and every once in a while, it creeps up again. I hate BPD.

On another note, I'm sad about leaving my department. They have been like a rock for me in difficult times. They have been so supportive, encouraging and loving. I really, really love and appreciate them! I will miss being in their dept. I know I'll probably see them all everyday but I mean, I may not chat with them as much and I may not see them as often and I won't go out for departmental lunches. I'm really sad. I think it's that sadness that triggered the BPD. I felt sad and I felt embarrased about my emotional connection to my teammates that I tried to cover it up. It would have been better if I just cried and admitted how much I would miss my teammates. Well, I messed it up. I will try better next time to be more honest with my feelings. I think I wasn't even sure what I was upset about though. But, if I talked it out with Al, it would have been better. I need to be more vulnerable with him.

(My hamster, Zoe, just came into the room in her plastic ball. She's so cute! My little bundle of energy and cuteness!!)

Well, I better go soon. I hope everyone else is doing a lot better than I am doing!! Al & I are going to find therapists this week to go see. Hopefully, we'll find someone good for both of us.

Proud of Me!

2006-11-17T08:44:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it but I'm actually feeling proud of me! I used to think it was a bad thing to feel proud of yourself. But, I think a healthy dose of pride is actually needed!

I'm starting a new job this November 27th, just across the hallway in a different department. In the email given to our whole company, my new boss said the "perfect" candidate for the job was already at my company. The perfect candidate! That's how they see me...great for this new role! I'm so glad! But, it's not how they see me...it's that I applied for a new job..I'm getting out of an unhealthy situation (or what has been unhealthy) into a more independent type of job. It's a step up from my old job. However because I'm doing extra work while our department lacks a true leader, I've been taking on management jobs. So, the new job I'm taking is a bit of demotion but in the long run, it's a promotion. The reason it's good is because my temporary management job would only last until they got a new boss. Once the new boss comes, then I would get demoted back to my old job and old salary. Therefore, this is a good strategic move. As well, I think it really benefits my department, which is why I also took the job! Although it may be a bit stressful at first for them, it will give some a chance to earn more money and grow in their skills! So, I think it's a good thing for them, too! When I applied for this new job, I just felt so proud of myself. I went for a promotion and got it! I'm so happy and pleased!

I have to give credit though to my Lord Jesus Christ because He led me to apply. I wasn't thinking of applying to a new job because I was happy where I was learning how to manage, etc. But, Al & I started thinking of houses and wanting to move into a house in a nice area (for future kids). We realized we didn't have enough money to do that right now. So we started praying for promotion and financial blessings. Then a few days later, I found out my coworker (who I also went to school with) was leaving. Then suddenly I realized that I could apply for her job! I prayed about it. I felt that this was an answer to prayer. I also realized it would help out those in my department, if I left. So, I applied. And then it worked out!

I'm really proud of myself. It isn't something that I often feel. I feel good about myself. It makes me want to share that good feeling with others. It makes me want to encourage other people and make them happy, too! So, I think it's a good thing!

Venting

2006-10-30T12:58:00.000-05:00

This post may not make sense to anyone else but me. It's my ramblings.

I love Al. He is my man. He is wonderful.

Al lied to me. Lying or omitting part of the truth is not healthy. I'm extremely hurt and angered by this revelation. Now, his motives for not disclosing certain information was to protect me. In his mind, he was helping me. I guess I can't doubt his intentions. However, I need to let him know that no matter how much it may hurt me, I'd rather know the full truth. Especially when asked directly, I do not appreciate being lied to or deceived. This is outrageous in a deep level relationship.

I feel a lack of trust in Al. I thought he was a man of integrity. I feel less respect for him. I am not sure of who he is. I feel that our level of relationship has cheapened and become less intimate. I feel angry at Al for lying to me. I feel deceived.

I do love Al. But I feel so angry at him. How could he lie to me?

Even if he's afraid, I need him to tell me the truth. We can work it out. He's not responsible for me or my reactions. But he's responsible to God and me to tell the truth.

Fighting

2006-09-22T12:47:00.000-05:00

Al & I are pretty constantly fighting. He doesn't listen to me. I get angry at him not listening or not empathizing with me. Today, I said something very hurtful. I said I didn't want to be married to him. It's not really true. But, at times I wish I didn't have to put up with his lack of empathy and lack of comfort. However, I'm sure he doesn't want to put up with my confrontation. Typically he doesn't empathize well. So, I hesitate to share my deep feelings with him. Well, I decided to give it another try...I started sharing about how hurt I was inside and the abuse I went through. You know he started doing...he started trying to find socks in his drawer. He was turned away and busy trying to find his socks while I'm spilling out my guts. I got so mad. I swore I would never share anything with him again! I felt like I never wanted to talk to him! How when sharing something so painful & intimate, could he act so uninterested?!! Arg!! He's apologized. I do forgive him. But, I don't know if I trust him with my feelings.

Well, right now, there are so many feelings that I feel inside. One thought that keeps reoccuring is that I think that Glenn, the abuser, was Borderline Personality himself. He had so many of the characteristics. It makes me think "Was I just trying to imitate him and be like him...you know like stockholm syndrome?" Even though I wasn't his prisoner, I was being abused and I did look up to him. Al talked to Glenn a few years ago. But, Al never mentioned that he felt Glenn didn't have his life together still. It really upset me. Glenn sounded so changed. That at least encouraged me to know that he had come to his senses and wouldn't hurt anyone anymore. But, just recently Al mentioned that his impression was that Glenn still needed a lot of help. I thought after 4-5 years of therapy that Glenn had gone through his life was straightened out. But, maybe not. I guess he always has to live with the consequences of what he did to me and others.

Another thing that was brought up recently by a former student of mine was the death of my friend, Scott. He committed suicide while I was in LA about 8 years ago. It brought up all these painful memories. Al never told me that he used to live in dorm with Scott. So, that means Al saw him after even I last saw him. It brought up all these painful memories. What was he like? What did he say to you? I kept asking all these questions. Well, after talking with Al about it, I've been feeling really upset since that time. Oh, I really miss Scott. I wish he didn't commit suicide. He was sexually abused and his parents were divorced. He was good looking, talented musician and was a great person. Some people didn't like him but I did. We were friends. I still wish I was here and not in LA at the time of his suicide. Maybe I could have talked to him or supported him in a more tangible way. The last I heard he was trying to get an art gallery going and help sell art and donate the funds to helping homeless people. He had a good heart. I wish he didn't do it. I really wish he didn't do it. It makes me so sad that he killed himself. I wish I could have talked to him before he died.

I'm really hurting and I feel like I have no one to talk to . I just want to go home, crawl up under my duvet and cry.

At least one encouraging thing is that I don't have an urge to hrut myself! I'm not sure why and frankly, I'm stunned. Maybe between the two things going through my mind about Scott and Glenn, there is just no desire there. Yeah for that! But, I still feel hurt. Only 2 hours and 45 mins. of work left to go. See how many more "crazies" come in today!!! Arg!!!

2006-09-01T11:26:00.000-05:00

Taking out bad seeds and sowing good seeds.

I realized early this week that there was a lot of unforgiveness I had in my heart towards myself. At age 15, I made a conscious decision to hate myself, disown myself and to abandon myself. Since then, I have felt better about myself but there was still a strong "inner critic" that often tried to put me down. Well, now, I want to forgive myself. I want to be gracious to myself. I want to forgive myself for letting the abusive relationship go on. I forgive me.

Now, I must start sowing good seeds. I must start telling myself that I love myself, I will nurture myself, I will be gracious to myself, I like myself.

Constantly, now, it's a battle to deny the lies and inner critic whenever those self-condemning thoughts come to mind. It's also a constant daily decision to say, I will love myself today. I will treat myself well today. I will protect myself. I will not harm myself. I will love me.

I hope over time, I will not get lazy and forget to do this daily. I also hope that it will become instinct and part of who I am and my self-esteem.

I can't lie. I'm not amazing. But, I love myself...At least I will try. I felt scared yesterday. I think maybe as a young child I was constantly afraid of my dad. I guess I learned to shut it out at a young age. But, that fear is still there. I had nightmares last night. I feel down. But, I'm not depressed. I just feel sad.

Last night I cried in the car with Al. It was really helpful. He listened and comforted me. It was just good to feel it all. All the pain from the abuse just came up and I cried. I can easily talk about the abuse but to feel the pain is something more difficult. I didn't block out the pain or censor it...I just cried...it felt real. I felt a release.

Rejected

2006-08-27T15:17:00.000-05:00

My husband thinks I'm immature. Later he confessed that my actions were immature but his exact words were, "You are an immature 2 year old." I realize that the one person I truly love may not respect me. How can he judge me when he's grown up in a family that is emotionally mature and healthy? I grew up with abuse and neglect. How can he judge me for not knowing how to express my emotions? How dare he! I'm very angry at him.

All the fears came out today. Fears that he doesn't love me, that he would leave me, and that he doesn't want to be married to me.

I try to run from these emotions so I hurt myself. I regress into self destruction instead of facing the pain I feel. I feel rejected by the one I love.

It reminds me of when I was 15. That was the toughest year I've faced so far. The person I loved at the time did not love me. He had rejected me. I faced so much pain. He was abusing me because he was 9 years older than me. But, what did I know about how a 24 year old would think. All I knew was that I was devoted to this one person who I cared about more than anything else in the world. And he did not want to be with me. He never said why except that I was too young. But, that didn't stop him sometimes. I figured it must have had to do with me. I felt so empty and alone inside. I couldn't shake the depression I felt. I was so abandoned and rejected. Nothing could ease my pain. Was I a fool? Self condemnation was so strong.

I guess I don't like to think about that pain. I just shove aside that part of my past. I compartmentalize my life and that abuse was in another world. Yet, it's a part of who I am today and the pain is still so real.

My avoidance would be to end it all. The avoidance of the pain inside. But, if I was more courageous, I would just face the pain and rejection. I am scared. I am scared.

Pain Eternal?

2006-08-21T11:50:00.000-05:00

I know about those black holes where all the unlearned stuff goes!! It seems to have disappeared from my mind...grounding myself, staying detached emotionally when I feel overwhelmed, use rational mind to find wise mind...

Aren't these all management tools? Do you think there's ever a way to find the real solution so that there is a change deep within someone's heart and mind? My psychologist told me to not delve into the past to go looking to straighten things out. Well, I made that mistake this weekend.

I was at a church retreat and they had a great video on loss. The guy in the video talked about however you feel when you loose someone, eg. numb, angry, sad, etc., it's okay. You have to let it out. If you stuff your feelings, then it can turn into bitterness. And to know that God is in the process of restoring you. As well, the speaker talked about not holding on to anger. Well, I thought I should just revisit how I was feeling.

I realized that deep inside I carry pain, sadness and anger...all the time. I can be happy on the outside and feeling good about the future but still this wound exists. No matter where I go, I still feel this pain deep in my heart. I'm not crazy, I'm broken. I'm not loopy, I'm just hurt. Our personhood wasn't meant to go through so much agony like abuse. How does one really heal? If I express my pain like I did this weekend, it almost drove me over the edge (if I didn't go there). I have so much anger, pain and sadness. Can I cry until all the pain comes out? Or will I simply be bleeding myself to death?

I think part of the problem is that I just buried all my feelings as a teenager. Now, that I'm older, they're still there. They do come up from time to time.

Believing for Something Better

2006-08-02T18:47:00.000-05:00

I'm doing better. I'm not feeling as depressed. It was just hard to leave family and come back to work! Yuck!

I emailed my mom telling her how I felt ignored by her. She apologized and said she really loved me. It was very positive.

I'm reading a book called "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer. It's really good and I think it will help me emotionally. I'm also trying to spend more time with God in prayer and Bible reading. It's helping a lot. I feel so good, energized, happy and at peace when I pray. I feel like God just wants to bless me. I feel truly loved and cherished. It's funny how both at work, at church and in my Bible reading, the same themes keep popping up. That's one of the ways, I know God is trying to teach me something. One thing I'm learning about is from Luke 1:72 about how God is faithful even if we're not faithful. He promises to love us no matter how unfaithful we are to Him. He is in covenant with us. Covenant means we share all our resources, all our finances, and are committed to each other. Like marriage. Well, God is in covenant with us when we invite Him into our hearts. So we share in His righteousness, glory, inheritance, blessings, promises, power, and everything that's His - everything!! And He gets all our guilt, condemnation, shame, fear, pain and sin...that's why He died on the cross for us. I mean He took it for us and then God punished Him on the cross for what we had done. He took the punishment that I deserved...that all of humanity deserved. Isn't it amazing??!! God loves us so much that He died for us!!! Well, anyway, I just think it's wonderful that we're in covenant with God and we definitely get the better deal!!! We really have nothing to offer the God of the Universe!!! But, He has everything to offer us!! So, I'm learning about God's wonderful, faithful love to me regardless of my behaviour, actions or attitudes! Amazing!!! Purely amazing!!!

Well, I do have my ups and downs. I'm not perfect. I do struggle with intense emotions and at times they're so intense I don't know what to do with them!! I want to scream, cry, hit something and even hurt myself.

Oh...another exciting theme that keeps popping up too...from Luke 1 "Nothing is impossible with God!" OK. If He is God and created the WHOLE universe and He is all powerful and He can make a virgin girl pregnant with a member of the Triune God, He can heal me of mental problems! If he created all the healthy brains and hearts in this world, if he can heal people and fix people...surely He can heal me! If he is constantly creating new life, surely he can recreate in me a new brain and a new emotional thought pattern. Well, that's what I'm believing and praying for...a new brain, thought pattern and an end to these emotional meltdowns! Of course I'll have bad days, but where little things won't set me off to feel like a complete failure, want to act extremely violent, or send me to depression. There must be a way to rewire my brain. If nothing is impossible with God and He heals and creates, surely this is an easy and manageable request! Well, stay tuned and you'll find out!!

I'm not good

2006-07-22T11:59:00.000-05:00

Had a relapse last night after coming back from vacation. I'm not doing well.

Vacation was great. I went to Kingston and then to see family in a very small town. My nephews are getting bigger. My brother-in-law and his wife may be either coming back to Canada from Florida either this fall or next spring/summer. We spent the time swimming in my parents-in-law pool, touring Ottawa, playing games, watching a movie or just chilling on the couch and chatting about life. I consumed a lot more alcohol than I usually drink because it was around...beer, strawberry dacquaris...but never in large portions though. My brother-IL and his wife are into a vegetarian diet and we ate all vegetables the whole time (except for a lunch date with my hubby where I had a salad with chicken slices on top). Veggie dogs are actually really tasty! The veg. hamburger was really good too! I didn't feel like I was missing out or craving anything! Maybe Al & I will eat a lot more vegetables and less red meat from now on!

So the problem occurs near the end of the vacation. I start thinking about going back to work and I started to get really stressed out. I don't want to mention the situation in detail, but when I left my job, I left it at a very, very stressful time. I was glad to leave when I did. I think when I get back, it'll be straightened out and over with. But, I wasn't sure if I should deal with the situation as a member of staff council and as a worker who is looking out for the welfare of the staff who I unofficially supervise. (The unofficially is another story in itself.) But, I think by the end of the day, I felt like I should just leave the past the past and concentrate on the future. I mean it wasn't left undone as we talked with the head of finance as the point man for this project and I told him exactly what I thought. (Proud of myself.) And he did respond with an apology and a "we could have done things better". Although our team became the health and safety team to correct the situation at least he took the initiative to handle the concerns we brought up. So, I thanked him for his leadership in handling the situation. I mean I know he's a genuine, caring, amazing person with an extraordinary heart. I just wasn't sure if I should do anything more. But I have peace about coming back and just looking forward. I checked my email and no one was hurt or injured and no one in my office quit this past week, so I guess it's okay. I'll look towards the future. Anyway, thinking about the stress from work really upset me. It upset me so much, I think I got a stomach ache.

On the way out, a parking enforcer came out and accused me of not paying. I was furious at him. I just lost it. Al came back to the car, the guy didn't give us a ticket and we drove away. I got out of the car at the end of the street, went back and explained/yelled at him. I was so mad. Even as I left I was muttering "I don't appreciate being accused of not paying when I paid." I just snapped. It was so strange. I don't usually yell at strangers and loose it like that. I guess after talking about a stressful situation and the guy was so rude to us. I mean I was at the car waiting for Al and he was accusing us of not paying. I didn't think you could give a person a ticket while they're at their car. I would have been inside the car if it wasn't so hot that day. I was just surprised...I felt like I didn't matter, like my presence didn't matter. (I guess that's why I flipped out because at work, I am trying to fight the same thought of feeling like I actually matter.) Anyway, so I'm totally embarrased and ashamed of my actions.

The real trouble starts yesterday after coming back from my parents-in-law's house. No parents, no nephews, no siblings to talk to....just Al & I. It's so lonely, quiet and boring. I woke up early in the day. When Al woke up, I was dying for his company. Instead of enjoying the day together and making the most of our last vacation day, he decides to not really pay attention to me. He'd often walk away from what we were doing and just go elsewhere. He never suggested doing anything together. He knew I wanted to spend time with him yet he really didn't take any initiative to be together. He kept walking away from me. I was furious. I was angry and hurt.

So, last night, I kind of flipped out. I was tired and feeling a bit sick so I didn't want to go to a bbq we had planned that night. Al was going to go without me, even though he knew that I was feeling really lonely and having problems adjusting to being back in our own life. I did not react well. I was really in my own world and thinking of taking my own life. I am not sure if I was left alone if I would have followed through. I wasn't thinking clearly. I just felt like there was nothing for me to come back to.

Oh...and get this, yesterday afternoon, I took a gift for my mom to her house. It was something that I thought she'd love. She said, "Thanks" and then started talking about the plans for her to go up to the cottage next weekend. And then she started talking about her workout place and the jingles they're making up. Not a comment about how much she loved the gift, not how was the vacation, not it's good to see you. Then I said I had pictures to show them, especially my dad before he left for work that afternoon. My parents looked through them but my mom was the one who kept flipping the pages so quickly. I had to hold the pages back (as well as my dad) while I finished my explanation of the photos. And they weren't long explanations....she just really didn't care. I was enraged but not surprised by her selfish behaviour.

Anyway, that's just to say, I was feeling really lonely and like no one really wanted to spend time with me or cared about my life. I just really wanted to go back to my parents-in-law's house and live there. I mean, if I was raised by them, I wouldn't be as messed up as I am right now. I would have never been abused by an older man because they wouldn't have let it get that far. If I had any mental illness, they would have taken me to see someone right away. I would have grown up in an environment of love, acceptance, confidence and respect. Yet, now the damage is done. I come back to an environment where no one really cares about me. I feel so alone. I feel horrible. I don't want to be here and I don't want to go back to work. I just want to lie down and die.

I am giving up on my dream of having children. Ever since I was a little girl, I said my dream was to be a mommy. But, with my illness, I don't think I can subject a child to my illness. I thought I would do well now that I'm out of therapy but I think because I'm not in therapy I'm forgetting what I learned...Rational mind, grounding myself physically, etc. I just don't know if I could subject any child to my moodiness and out of control reactions to lack of love. Being back in TO, I feel a lack of love and it causes me to feel empty and alone. It makes me feel so horrible. I was in a family and now I'm out on my own.

Vacation

2006-07-07T11:33:00.000-05:00

I'm going on vacation soon in a week and a half! I'm so excited!

Al & I are going to Kingston for a weekend and then to Ottawa to see his family. My brother and sil will be up with our two nephews, too. I'm really looking forward to it!

Not a lot to say...Nothing has really happened...I've been off paxil now for about 4 weeks. The crazy thing is I feel more stable, now. I mean I do have days where I'm angry or sad because something has upset me, but that's normal. I do feel anxious at times but nothing really unmanageable.

I'm starting to write a book. It's fiction and I probably won't finish it. It's just a hobby of mine. But, if it becomes published, I will let you know.

Al & I got a dwarf hamster. Her name is Zoe and she's the last Zoe added to www.hamsterster.com. If you want to search for her, click on "reverse order" she'll be on the first or 2nd page. Or you can type in her name for a search and she's the grey hamster on a purple wheel. She's really soft and light to hold!

For Canada Day, I went up to my aunt's cottage. It took SOO long to get there with all the accidents and people trying to get out of the city! Her cottage is so nice, though! I kayaked on the lake and my sister-in-law and aunt canoed. Kelsey, my aunt's dog, LOVES fishing. He looked so hilarious in the canoe because he had a life jacket. A dog with a life jacket!! Her other dog didn't have one. Many questions...why does Kelsey have a life jacket? And if Kesley has one, why doesn't Jacques? Well, those answers were so answered. First, Kelsey stood on the edge of the canoe staring at me in my kayak like he was ready to jump out any minute to me. Then we pass by these two guys on a boat fishing. Kelsey jumps out of the canoe and swims toward their boat. The guys in the boat think "Oh no, the dog must be confused and maybe fell out of the boat. The dog doesn't know where his owner is and that's why he's swimming toward our boat." I can tell that's what they're thinking because the fishermen are yelling, "They're back there!" to the dog. Kelsey looks back at the canoe, sees where we are, and keeps heading towards the fisherman. Yup, that's a dog that loves fishing!! Now, I know why he has a life jacket. Now, I know why Jacques doesn't...he wouldn't jump in like that. Kelsey is just so funny!!! He actually loves fishing so much that if you go fishing, he will swim out to your canoe and go with you. Then he will bark at the fish the whole time staring into the water. Yes, he's trying to catch a fish. Crazy!!

Miscarriage

2006-06-15T12:12:00.000-05:00

My sister-in-law is having a miscarriage. It's been difficult for her and the family. I feel so sorry for her. She's a million miles from her home country, her parents, her sisters and her closest friends while going through what's got to be the hardest thing in her life.

On Saturday she took this pill to make her miscarriage come out. She started bleeding. On Tuesday night, my brother called me in a panic saying that she was in intense pain and then passed this 8 cm by 3 cm thing. It was the right size for a 12 week old fetus, it had a cord attached to it but there was no shape to it. It didn't have arms, legs or eyes. By 12 weeks all of that should have been formed. But they were totally shocked because they only saw a line in the ultrasound the week before. Their OB said the fetus was aborbed in the blood. They didn't expect this big thing to come out. She'll get more updates this afternoon. I hope they find answers to their questions because the doctors keep confusing them with opposing information about the failed pregnancy. Then the OB didn't properly prepare them for what to expect when actually having this miscarriage. I am not impressed with the service they're receiving.

I think the hardest thing for me is that I don't know how to talk about my feelings regarding this issue. I shut down emotionally. I'm not sure how to talk about it. I'm devestated. I'm so hurt. I'm shocked, upset, scared and hopeful all at the same time. I have to go to work and I'm feeling so cruddy inside. I'm feeling so down. I know I can just be myself and not have to put on a show for anyone. But, I can't mope either!

On the positive side, at least my sister-in-law isn't in pain anymore. She's not bleeding more and her temperature is normal. Hopefully the miscarriage is now complete.

This morning I read Psalm 42 & 43 and it echoed how I feel.
Psalm 42:5 "Why am I discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again-my Saviour and my God! Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember your kindness..."
Psalm 42:8a "Through each day the LORD pours his unfailing love upon me..."
Psalm 43:3 "Send out your light and your truth; let them guide me. Let them lead me to your holy mountain, to the place where you live."

I feel so discouraged, sad and grieved inside. But at the same time, I also recognize and feel this wonderful love and grace from God. I feel hopeful like things are going to be okay. There is no explanation why I felt so horrible Wednesday morning and then why after Al started praying for me I started feeling much better except for God is answering Al's prayer. God loves me, I'm sure. God loves Al, I'm sure. He cares about us. That is so great to recognize that God loves me. I'm so awed by it! I guess at least it's not all bad. And hopefully these good feelings will outweigh the bad ones. And hopefully, I will get more and more good days. And hopefully a greater good will come out of this tragedy.

I guess I'm starting to work through it. Thanks for listening.

My Post

2006-06-12T20:26:00.000-05:00

OK. Thank you for your encouargement and wise words. My marriage isn't falling apart. Al & I had a heart-to-heart. He's been pretty stressed about work lately and his mind was on work more than on home. But, it's funny, now that his priorities are straight, work seems to be going better. Isn't that always the way?!

My grandma is home with some extra services at her senior's apartment complex. She's doing well and recovered better than expected. My small group from church was praying for her and I am sure that made the difference!

There's air con. being installed at work!! Yes!!

I've been Paxil free now for six days. I'm feeling fine physically. I've had some small waves of panic hit me over the last couple of days, but I know that happens as the medicine leaves my body. As well, I've been feeling down the last few days. I'm trying to get some St. John's Wort tea.

I had a bad nightmare last night. The funny thing is that I think the movie "Win a Date with Ted Hamilton" is what gave me the nightmare. It brought back memories of the abuse for me. I don't want to go into details but it reminded me of the power that the abuser had over my life and how wrong it was for an older man of 23 to start dating a 14 year old. He really only had one agenda and I was too young to know it. It brought back anger towards the abuser for the wrong he did to me. It seems so clear after watching the movie how wrong it is to destroy the innocence of a young girl when you have already slept with so many other girls and you are just looking for the next thrill. Anyway, so I had bad dreams last night about a girl who had been sexually abused since she was a child. I felt such fear. When I woke up I tried not to think about it.

I've been feeling sad lately. On Sunday, I went to the old church where I used to go. I really, really missed everyone and just being there. It was fun to be there and hang out with my old pals. They will always be my friends and I will always love them. I know that Al & I can't really stay there but my heart has a hard time to accept that fact. It's good that we're still getting together though for bbqs and stuff like that. I love my new church because I really feel like I'm connecting with God and really growing in passion for Him. I feel challenged and people are like-minded in terms of theology. But, there's not the same family feel except within my small group. Even at that, I don't really know people well like at my old church. At my old church, people would goof off, play video games together, play hockey till late at night and just be silly together. At my new church, people are more "sophisticated" and I feel like everyone has huge walls around them. Like no one wants to really get to know you. People are friendly and I've known a lot of them for years but I still don't feel like I KNOW them. However, on the upside I guess I can be glad that I have a group of buddies I can hang out with and another group of friends that I can be challenged by spiritually. I can learn from both groups. The first group, I learn to be myself and how to be a community that loves each other. The second group, I learn to love God and how to extend friendship first. I guess I am blessed to have such a full life.

Al & I had a good heart-to-heart tonight. He loves me. I think sometimes he is just a guy and doesn't know how to communicate like a girl in terms of empathy and listening skills. I better go, he wants to go to bed and he's sick.

See you later!

BAD NEWS

2006-05-31T20:25:00.000-05:00

Thank you so much Polar Bear and Butterflies for your encouragement and support! It really, really means a lot to me. Thank you!

I don't have a rash or the same headache sensations. So, it's really good.

My brother & sister lost their baby. Well, it didn't fertilize correctly so there was no baby but there were parts of fertilization, like a placenta cord. I've never heard of that before. We just found out tonight. My brother is upset. My sister in law is disappointed but more hopeful and "together" than I expected. Al & I are pretty upset.

My grandma is doing better. She will probably go back to her home with extra services in about a month. My mom got the norwalk virus from the hospital and she's recovering. It sounds nasty. So, it's just my aunt and uncle with my grandma.

I was sick today with heat related sickness. Headache, nausea, dizziness, confusion, leg and arm cramps. Tonight it should be cooler. There's something wrong with our a/c. And we have to go to a separate office for a/c at work so I was only working in the afternoons in air conditinoning. I think the heat got to me.

Al & I got into a fight about it. He baisically knows that I'm sensitive to the heat and that our a/c is broken and I don't have a/c in my regular office but he never gave my health a second thought over the last couple of days of this heat wave. He was told on Sunday that the a/c company would call him to make an appointment but he never followed up with them. On Tuesday I told him that I assumed since he was HOME ALL day on Monday that he would be proactive and call them. I did mention on Monday...oh great, then maybe the a/c people can come by to fix it. He said they never called back so I thought he must have called them but they didn't return his call yet. Well, Tuesday night I found out he didn't call them at all. He was just waiting for them because the a/c guy said he'd ask his manager to call him on Sunday. Maybe I'm overreacting. But, I was sick today because we have no a/c working at home or in my office. And Al didn't give my health a second thought during the last couple of days when Monday until today has been extremely hot with temperatures with humidex reaching 40C. I'm so hurt by his selfishness. I feel so angry at him. I wonder for the first time if our marriage is falling apart. How could he not even think of me and my health? Like he doesn't care? That is what it feels like to me. I know he cares about me but it hurts that he didn't even think about me in the last couple days. I feel such an anger and hatred rising up in me. Hatred?! Isn't that so weird? The man I love but I feel such an anger, rage and disgust towards him. I feel so separated from him. Everyone thinks our marriage is so great but I feel like it is falling apart.

Horrible

2006-05-27T12:44:00.000-05:00

Things aren't going well. I'm on 2.5 daily and have been for the past two weeks. That's going ok. But emotionally I've been feeling a bit unstable in the past two days.

My grandma is in the hospital and recovering from a stroke. She's doing well but she is having some stomach problems. Although I did talk to her today and she did eat a bit today. My parents are thinking of having her move into a nursing home. Feeling scared for her safety and health.

Got my period today. Feeling horrible. Feeling sorry for myself.

2006-05-08T12:47:00.000-05:00

Things have slowed down a bit in my life...not much but a bit.

I'm still on Paxil 5 mg one day and 2.5 mg another day. Maybe I'll make an appointment to see my doctor on Friday, my day off.

My sister-in-law is pregant! So exciting. She's due around Dec. 9th.

Paxil Decrease too soon

2006-04-21T12:20:00.000-05:00

It's Friday afternoon and I'm doing much better after uping my dose of Paxil. Since Saturday, I have had BAD, I mean BAD, headaches. It was mostly on the left side of my face so I think it was a migraine. I had to go to work so I worked through pretty intense pain until I got a perscription for headache pain relief on Tuesday night. I was irritable on Tuesday morning and even feeling a bit anxious. My eye socket and cheekbone then really felt sore like I had been bruised and punched in the face yesterday. Upon the doctor's recommendation, I increased my dose to 5mg one day and 2.5 mg the next day. Today, I feel so much better headache wise. Therefore, it MUST be Paxil related. I also have developed a rash on my face that's itchy. I don't know if it's from the headache medication or the Paxil withdrawal. Anyway, withdrawing off Paxil is no party - infact, it's really, really difficult. I can't wait to finally be off of it. But, one good thing is that psychologically I did well. I loved life and I didn't want to hurt myself. It's definitely encouraging to know that I'm doing much better. Yeah! Praise God!!

On a happier note, my parents-in-law are coming to our place tonight! I haven't seen them since October at their son's wedding in Halifax! They're going to Italy and then moving back to Ontario so I can see them more!! They're so amazing! I couldn't have asked for better parents-in-law!! They only thing I find draining is that I need more alone time and they're real talkers. So, I just have to watch my boundaries and provide a way to "rest" or take that "alone" time this weekend. (I'm sure they feel the same way!:))

My family is so different. They all like to be active and doing something. So, they're more likely to watch tv or a movie together, play cards, play computer games or do independent activities - all of which don't require much talking (except during dinner). I think a balance of talking and alone time is ideal.

Al's parents are sooo supportive. They always seem to know what's going on in our lives and they're interested in knowing how things are going for us. They seem to have lots of anticdotal (spelling?) stories to tell. I just feel so cared for when I meet with them. The only thing is that they're British and I always kind of feel awkward being of a different culture. I feel like they won't accept me the way I am, but they are so accepting. I guess it's sort of foolish to think they don't accept me because I know they love me. Al is very happy - the happiest he's been in his life, he says. So, I know we're a good couple and God has brought us together. I guess I need to just give up this lie that Al's parents may think I'm not good enough. It's simply not true. I think when I heard MY mom say "No one's good enough for my son," I figured my mother-in-law may feel the same way about me. Now, that I think about it, my brother was married over a year ago and my mom thinks that Junko is plenty good enough for Ray. So, I guess when parents know it's a right fit for their son, they accept the daughter-in-law. That's how I'll take it anyway!:)

2.5 mg Paxil

2006-04-17T11:40:00.000-05:00

OK, I'm on 2.5 mg of Paxil now. I had a bad migraine on Saturday and Sunday. Today, I have a headache but it's manageable. Note to self: Do not try to lower your dose by 2.5 mg again. Try less!

Hello

2006-04-13T12:55:00.000-05:00

Hello all in blogger land. I hope you are all well.

I'm sitting at my desk on lunch. I have 5 mins. left. I just met with a professor of the Psychology program and it seems like I'll start into the BA Psych. program here this summer. I guess I'll never really know if counselling is for me until I really try it. I think my meeting showed me more open doors and less of a rigid route. So I guess I have a lot of options. I'm still not sure what I want to do in the future but I guess it'll work itself out. I think I'm taking a step in the right direction.

I'm on 2.5 mg of Paxil daily, starting today. The first lowering went well so I'm starting the next phase. Hopefully, I'll be off meds completely soon.

We'll see.

Out of Therapy!

2006-03-19T09:38:00.000-05:00

I'm out of therapy!!! Yeah! It's been about just under 2 years of pretty intense therapy. The last few months has been more of check ups. It took about 6-8 months of intense therapy after the "diagnosis" that I had traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. It's been about 3-4 months of monthly check ups. My psychologist is going to the U.S. around July. And I have the name of one of his coworkers in case I need some more follow up after that time.

I'm still on 5 mg of Paxil daily. I may start the lowering again of 5 mg one day, 2.5 mg. the next day, 5 mg. the third day, etc. very soon. I bought a pill cutter and it really helps make the pill splitting more accurate. (Plus I couldn't cut Paxil into 2.5 without a pill cutter.)

Al & I still want a baby but I'm really enjoying this time of freedom as well. I feel so free now that I'm out of therapy, no demanding pets, feeling independent, love my church, not a pastor's wife anymore...I feel so free! I love it! I love my life!

My sister-in-law came over yesterday. She said that about a couple years ago when she was in Japan that her friend committed suicide. She had BPD as well but was very low functioning and was always threatening to kill herself or hurt herself. She fell in love with her psychologist and didn't want to see any other doctor. She was divorced from her husband and stalked him. But after she fell in love with her psychologist, she ended up planning and taking her own life. So sad. My sister-in-law was very shaken up as this women was a good friend and she took her life 2 months before my brother and sister-in-law's wedding. It was good that she talked to me about this topic because my sister-in-law knew that I had some mental/emotional difficulties but she didn't know exactly what kind. I told her yesterday that I had the same disorder and we talked about it openly. I explained some more about BPD and why people can get it. I don't think in Japan, the psychologists would know about DBT or how to help someone with BPD. So, it is really sad.

Stories like this really affirm the fact that I want to go into psychology to help others. I signed up yesterday for my first class in about 8 years!! It's on psychological disorders. It sounds sooo good! I have to write a major paper on a psychological disorder. I'm thinking of writing on Seasonal Affective Disorder, Bi-Polar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression (although I'd have to specialize because it's really a huge topic) or ...? It's kind of scary because it's been sooo long since I was at school so I'm hoping I'll do okay in my essay writing. I'll get my husband to proof read! We'll see how it goes. The class doesn't start until July and the papers aren't due until the end of July but I know I'll need a lot of time to do all the work, so I'm starting now. Yeah!!!!

Update

2006-02-25T13:16:00.001-05:00

Saturday...glorious Saturday. Sitting on a barstool at my breakfast bar with a coffee in hand, enjoying relaxing. I'm actually dressed and showered at 1pm. It is a good day!

So, the withdrawal isn't going as well as expected. It's okay. I'm not discouraged. I went from 5mg to nothing the next day to 5mg and I had a few rough days. I just got so angry and frustrated and I couldn't control my frustration. Not good. But at least I didn't want to hurt myself or others. I just pounded my hands on the shower wall and slamed the door shut. But it scared me still cause I felt so out of control. So, I am back on 5mg of paxil daily. I bought a pill cutter and I will go from 5mg one day to 2.5 mg the next day and see how that goes. Then, I will go to 2.5 daily, and continue until I'm off. Then, I plan to go on St. John's Worts, if needed.

My psychologist is retiring and moving to Colarado!!! Ah!!! I will miss him a lot but we were thinking of closing off session soon anyway, so I guess it works out. I have one last session with him and then it's done. He's recommending another psychologist who specializes in DBT and anger management so at least I have someone to turn to in trouble.

He's saying that a sense of self is created and that soon I will sense more of a passion for an area of life. He wants me to be in a new job. Overall, he says he's pleased with my progress and now that the sense of self is created, it's hard to unlearn...like riding a bike..you don't really forget. I know that there is an inner critic that I have to keep battling with. He said that the innner critic is necessary and it will never go away. It can be helpful as it keeps us from making a fool out of ourselves but it just needs to be trained to be more constructive and not so destructive. So, that really helped.

So big secret that I'm soooo excited about. I confessed to him that I did have a dream that has been in my heart since I was a teenager. I asked for his honest professional opinion. I confessed that I wanted to be a counsellor. He encouraged me and said that the people who have gone through counselling often make the best counsellors. He said that he went through therapy for a year. He encouraged me and gave me some advice schooling wise. It was really helpful since I work at a school, I tend to have a very biased opinion of where I should go to school...where I work. But he encouraged me to get a MA. I first have to finish a BA Psych. honours program. So, I'm doing my research and I'm going to go for my passion...counselling. Allan was so encouraging and said he's willing to move so I could go to a good school for MA in Clinical Psychology. He said he didn't want to tell me what to do but in a supportive way, he said I won't let you not do it! So, I feel so encouraged. I'm going to try to finish a BA/have kids. Then, when I'm ready, go back to school to do a MA. All that I thought was lost in my life has not been. Only delayed and now I'm stronger.

Yeah!!!

Update

2006-02-25T13:16:00.000-05:00

Poem for ex

2006-02-25T13:08:00.000-05:00

This is a poem I posted on my other blog site last week late at night. It was about my ex-boyfriend who abused me. Maybe it might ring true for someone else.

A Poem for You

Thoughts of you race through my mind. In some round about way, I bumped into you tonight. Not in person but in thought and in remembrance, I have seen you. Fear. Panic. Relief. Anger. I don't think it's about you anymore. I don't think I'm angry at you and I'm not even scared. I'm more upset about the injustice of it all. Remembering that my teenage years were wiped out, wasted and utterly forlorn. Remembering what was stolen, lost and now it can not be replaced. No it's not about you anymore...it's about what I lost. I mourn...I still mourn...what did not come to be. It's not about you anymore.

There are a thousand places in my mind and heart which are tucked away in neat dark closets of desolate places, only visited by accident. All the doors in this long corridor look so much alike and one day "Whoops!" you walk in the wrong one, the one you had hoped had disappeared. But, now, you are stuck face to face again with that which you dread to confront. As it stares back at you, what comes to mind? Less fear, less anger, no hate, just pain. Pain. It screams. It bleeds. It cries out for mercy. Quietly, I lock the door and walk away carrying on as if it never happened.

Maybe I ought to be react differently? Maybe I ought to scream, cry out and beg for mercy? Maybe those reactions are appropriate but delayed and they are coming out, many years after the fact when I am safe and warm? What if I do cry out? Will they lock me away? What if I do scream and beg for mercy over an enemy who is no longer there? Will I be called insane? What if you are very real but only in thought and in remembrance? What if you were here, what if I am standing at that door on that precipice? Can I yell back at you? Tell you that I do matter. Tell you that I do care. Tell you that I can walk out this door anytime I want and never come back. Tell you that I don't need you anymore 'cause all you have is pain for me. Tell you that I'm strong enough to leave. Tell you that I wish I had never met you. Tell you that you are no good for me. Tell you that I'm leaving you today. Goodbye, you. You are not worth my time.

Perhaps this time you are not shutting me out but I am shutting you out. The power you stole, I can take back. That which you took can be recovered. That which was not yours has become mine again. That which you could never take, I have rediscovered - my voice, my person, my joy, my faith. There is nothing you can take that my God can not give back and in double portion. There is nothing you can do to destroy me for I have the Overcomer in me. There is nothing, nothing you can do to dismantle that which God has called me forth for. You will never destroy me. My body may grow old and die but my spirit will live on forever. From fire and ashes, I have arose. I have walked through the brimstones of hell and tasted the nector of Satan's poison to fly from doom into blue heavens. I have been the walking dead but now I am alive.

Dragged in agony and like a monster wailing beyond all shape or form was I before my God. Darkened and masked was I at the pearly gates of Heaven begging for another chance. How did He ever find me? How did He search for me in Hell's worst nightmare? How did He interupt this hellish existence? He must have been searching all the junkyards, trashcans and empty wastelands to have found me barely breathing. "Send out the crews and all the rescuers! I have found one still alive!" I can hear Him shout, "There is still hope. Do not give up."

Drifting in and out of consciousness, I find myself here. In one piece, alive, healthy and whole. How could this have happened? I once was dead, but am now alive. I lived in Hell but now in Heaven's realm of glory. Who could have rescued me? Who would have taken me in? Who fixed me up and tended to my wounds? Who was there endless nights of tears? Who sought me out and found me? LOVE UNFAILING...HOPE UNSTOPPABLE...GRACE UNENDING...POWER OVERWHELMING...HE IS WHO FOUND ME....I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL.

It was not by works nor my own deeds which got me to where I am. The answer so simple it's known by children yet so unfathomable, it can not be understood by adults and so overcoming, it pierces the coldest of hearts....JESUS. The love of God Almighty will never be stopped...not for me and not for you. Worlds apart and from different ends of the spectrum, He comes to us. He reaches down to pick us up and make us great. He takes His crown off to give it to us. I can not fathom, I can not believe so great a love for one such as me. He can not be conformed to this world's ways. He is His own. His decision to love I can not change. All I know is that HIS LOVE has touched me, burned for me in sickness and in health, ached for me in times of distress and rescued me from the graveyards of Hell and exploded upon my life. And now there is JOY. AND NOW THERE IS LIFE. HIS LOVE...HIS LOVE IS IN MY LIFE.

A perfect place to end but the story is not done. You are still here in my face. A cup of cold water I offer to you- His love. His love will be true. I can not forsake nor utterly scorn you. You who have placed me in Hell's farthest cornor. I can not hate. Although there is pain, I offer you all I know what to offer you - JESUS CHRIST. As you stand here before me, I clumsily offer forgiveness and love to one like you because there is One like Him. Awkwardly giving like my arms have lost all strength, I give what I can - forgiveness and my blessing...when all within me still feels your bruises. Although I ache inside because you have beaten me inside and out, I walk now and want to offer you a way out of your Hell. His love is there for you. LOVE UNFAILING...HOPE UNSTOPPABLE...GRACE UNENDING...POWER OVERWHELMING...HE COMES TO YOU, today. The bitterness of death, the coldness of winter, He can make into bright shiny days. The hurts you have tasted, the loss stolen from your heart, the pain in your gut, He will restore. He will restore. All I know is that HIS LOVE is touching you, burning for you in sickness and in health, aching for you in times of distress and rescuing you from the graveyards of Hell and exploding upon your life. And now I wish for you JOY, LIFE and HIS LOVE...HIS LOVE IN YOUR LIFE. This is my poem for you.

Update

2006-01-24T16:22:00.000-05:00

Good to be back online. It was difficult there for a while with work, a blog behind the scenes that was in a different language...

Well, I'm home today sick. Yuck! I hate sickness and I wish it would go away forever!! Al's been off & on sick, too, since Sunday. I think it's a flu of some kind. But, I'm feeling a bit better than yesterday.

Paxil decrease is going well. I've gone from 10mg daily to 5mg daily. It's hard to tell if the headaches are withdrawal related or from this flu thing. I'm staying at 5mg for now though.

I've laxed a bit ont he baby thing. I realized that I can take my time and there's no pressure to absolutely have one now. On Jan. 13 when I got my period, I was devestated. So, I'm trying to lower my expectations in terms of time line.

Al & I worked out on Friday at my workplace. We had to kill time as we were going to a housechurch near the area at 7:30pm. So, it was really great! Hopefully we will work out most Fridays now. It will also help with the Paxil decrease to workout.

So, hopefully I'll be better and back at work tomorrow. Oh, at work, some people are all knitting on Tuesdays & Thursdays. So, we have this women's group that knits, talks about women stuff and it's really fun. I'm glad to have friends outside my dept., now. Yeah!

Gotta go. Al's not doing well and he has to cancel a work appt. tonight.

Paxil Decrease

2006-01-18T13:17:00.000-05:00

Sorry, I've been gone for so long from this blog and blogland. Things have been busy adjusting back to the regular work routine. 9-5 again!

I'm decreasing my paxil amounts. I'm right now on my first decrease. I started Friday night. I was on 10 mg. I'm on 10 mg one day and 5 mg the other day. Then, if I'm okay, I'll go down to 5 mg. So, far it's been 6 days and I'm doing okay withdrawal wise. No bad headaches or nausea, etc. I was weepy on Saturday morning missing my hamster. I dreamed that night that I had bought a guinea pig so I woke up really longing for a pet. But by afternoon I was fine. Yesterday night I felt angry at Al and suspicious of him. But, we resolved the conflict this morning and I'm doing okay. (I'm also hormonally at my "weepy/crabby" time of the month, so some of this could be menstrual related.) I've asked Al to watch and monitor me.

My plan/goal is to go off Paxil, if I can, and then go onto St. John's Wort. I'm suppose to wait until I'm off Paxil for a few weeks before I begin St. John Wort's or they could overlap and cause havoc in my body. If I need Paxil, then I need it and that's fine. I will stay at whatever the lowest dose, I can manage with.

My whole reasoning in getting off Paxil is - I WANT A BABY!!! I read that Paxil could heighten the chance of early miscarriage and that babies who are just born can suffer withdrawal effects and short-term complications. It's easier for me to go through withdrawal than a baby, I would imagine!! But, if I need the medicine, I will stay on it. I'm also wondering if I'm not getting pregnant because I'm on Paxil, whether it's physically or psychologically related. It's worth a try anyway.

I find right now that I notice my emotional mind being more active. This morning, I said to it that it had to be quiet and submit to my logical, rational mind. Just like my critical mind had to submit, now it was time for my emotional mind to quiet down. I will live in the present and not try to re-enact all my past hurts so I can find solutions. Christ has found solutions and I was loved by my dad. That was past and now is now. I am forgiven and I forgive those who hurt me. The situations are resolved. I will live in the present without suitcases of baggage from the past entering in to the present! I'm also learning how to manage problems and sadness. Al & I had to resolve some issues and I feel good about that resolution. Now, I have the skills from my counselling times to be able to deal with fights, painful emotions and other things. I'm not perfect but I have the skills. This is good practice for me to deal with issues and situations. I'm becoming free!

"Wake up, wake up, O Zion! Clothe yourselves with strength. Put on your beautiful clothes, O holy city of Jerusalem, for unclean and godless people will no longer enter your gates. Rise from the dust, O Jerusalem. Remove the slave bands from your neck, O captive daughter of Zion..." Isaiah 52:1, 2 Later on in the chapter, there is a promise that God would redeem Jerusalem. This city had been enslaved but needed to be told to free themselves and that God would redeem them. I hope and pray that I am being redeemed by God Almighty. (Bought back, restored, healed, free from mental illness!)

Valentine Died

2005-12-26T15:10:00.000-05:00

Valentine (aka Valley)
Brown and white spotted hamster
Dec. 9 2003 - Dec. 25, 2005

Valentine passed away on Christmas Day. She was a good hamster who loved to run on her wheel, run in her plastic ball outside her cage and eat. Her favourite foods were lettuce, apples and yoghurt drops. She liked to sleep in her space donut, store food away, arrange her kleenex bedding, clean/shower on her balcony and run on her comfort wheel or her second wired wheel with two bars. She liked to run one way on her comfort wheel, stop, turn the other way on her wheel and keep running. It seemed to entertain her. She liked to wait at the doors for us to let her out into her ball. She also liked to wait for her daily treats. She had a lot of energy for a little hamster and she brought a lot of joy to me and others who knew her.

I will really miss my baby, Valentine. She was like my baby. For the past two days, I had to hand feed her as she was very weak and give her water in a smaller dish. She died in her sleep on Christmas Day with her water dish underneath her body. Poor Valentine. After her surgery she wasn't the same. She mostly rested and didn't come out of her cage to run in her plastic ball at all.

She is the last of my four hamsters. The first was a small, white dwarf hamster, Bunches, who lived about 8 months. He died of wet tail. The second was Jubilee. We were buddies and she would fall asleep on me most nights. She thought I was her mommy, which I was, but we were really close. Then I adopted a long haired brown hamster named Walnut or Wally for short. Jubilee and Walnut were very much in love with each other. Valentine was the baby of them all yet she was the most independent of them all. She was a jockette, very energetic and outlived all of them.

Valentine, I love you so much. I hope that you are at peace now...resting or if your soul is alive that you are running somewhere to your hearts content. Know that I always loved you from the moment I saw you. There was a special bond between us. I first saw you at the pet store and put my hand up against your paw. As I moved my hand, you moved your paw in the same direction. Your coat was a special colour of brown with white specks. So unusual and so pretty. Then Allan said he wanted to get you for me for Valentine's Day. We picked you up that day. I couldn't wait to pick you up and hold you but knew I needed to give you your space. So, I waited patiently for you and just stared at you. I watched you and wondered if you minded this big head by your cage so much. When I first put my hand in your cage, you were attracted to my gold ring. You bit my ring and some skin with it. This so surprised me that I screamed and scared you at the same time. After that I didn't hold you much. When I put you in your ball with your brother and sister, you didn't seem to interested in them but they were interested in you! You were always so independent. Slowly we did form a bond. You were the most athletic of all my hammies. Allan cared for you more than the other hammies. I think you were Daddy's girl. You always came out of your cage for him and slept underneath his side of them bed as your resting place outside your cage. You would run straight to his feet when in your ball. I am so sad to lose you my most wonderful hamster. I did the surgery for you so I could give you more time in life here. I'm glad that you could use it and live for another month longer. I am sorry if I ever was not there for you like I should have been. I'm sorry if I didn't make good decisions for you and your health...like taking you back to the vet after your surgery. I did love you so much. You were my precious baby. The time you had here was a blessing from God. Thank you for sharing your life with me and giving me so much joy. I'm privileged to have taken care of you. Thank you for being such a good hamster. I love you, Valley. I will miss you very much. I hope that you are running somewhere with lettuce and apples stuffed in your cheek pouches. I love you. Thank you for all you've given to me. Love, Mommy

Stressful Job

2005-12-19T21:18:00.000-05:00

I did not go to work today or last Friday. I was at my point of exhaustion and fatigue: mentally, emotionally & physically. I told my supervisor and the big boss. There's no way I could have kept going. So, I took a mental health break. I think I'll go back tomorrow as it shouldn't be as busy. But my psychologist said that I need to ask for a plan for January so I'm not bombarded with work and that I should start looking for other jobs. The good thing in all of this is that my psychologist said that I have been doing well with the borderline personality stuff. He said that the real factor is not my health but the situation that I'm in. Al said he's really proud of me for standing up for myself. The place where I work has for the 3rd time in my career there asked me to do more than one job for an extended period of time...I just can't do anymore. So, I'm not going to blame myself or say I'm weak...rather it is the situation I've been placed in that is unfair. I can't do both my job and some of my supervisor's job and watch while our whole office struggles to breathe because of so many employees out of the office. Anyway, one more week before Christmas holidays and I'm feeling good about myself and life.

No baby

2005-12-12T13:47:00.000-05:00

I can totally understand women in their 30s and their desparate longing for a family. Al & I have everything we've ever dreamed of... except a child. We have now received post-secondary education, stable careers/jobs, good health, saved some money, have a new house, travelled to other countries...our lives are so full and so complete! There is only one thing missing. I think it's hard for goal oriented people who like to achieve and work hard to accept that pregnancy may just take a long time to happen or that the possibility of children is unknown. I like instant answers or at least to have a plan that I can work on to achieve my goals. Now, I feel so helpless not knowing if my last one big dream will ever come true. I know it will, but how & when I'm not sure. I'm starting to seriously consider adoption. I've been to Kazahkstan and even visited orphans there. The children look half asian and half white. I've always wanted to adopt, honestly, and maybe it's time to start looking into the matter more seriously.

Ending

2005-12-10T19:24:00.000-05:00

Dr. Q emailed me after I emailed him in response to a difficult session where I felt unheard. He was encouraging. He also said that I was recovering and the time of finishing our sessions together was soon. What?! I'm glad but sad at the same time. I really appreciate Dr. Q and all he's done to help me. I feel like I'm doing much better and I'm encouraged by his email. Part of me is thinking...maybe he just doesn't want to work with me? Part of me is thinking...I'm still sick! Aren't I? I get so frustrated and yell instead of practising the wise mind...distancing stuff. What's going on? But, I guess it is good news. I will be sad to not see Dr. Q all the time but at least I know he's there if I need him. But, it is sad. Goodbyes are usually difficult.

NEW HOUSE!

2005-12-07T13:36:00.000-05:00

Yes!! Finally in my new condo with Al! It's warm, cosy, small and great!! It was a lot of work and very tiring but it's finally "liveable".

I read in the newspaper this past week that mental illness could be linked to creativity. Now the paper wasn't doing an extensive article on mental illness but on creativity and they just mentioned that phrase in passing without any facts to back it up. But, hmm...makes one wonder.

I've been feeling so tired lately. I've been sleeping a lot. I think I may be pregnant. But I often think that because my PMS is so similar to pregnancy signs. And I've been busy with work and other stuff...maybe I'm coming down with something...Anyway, I've been feeling pretty worn down energy wise.

I so want to have a baby. I even have a name...Kaylyn Samantha Shizue. Kaylyn because I love "K" names for girls. Kaylyn means waterfall pool and rejoicer. Kay on it's own means pure. So I think that's pretty cool. Samantha means "heard by God" so I think that's cool. My grandma's name is Shizue and I really want to honour her. She's my hero. She was one of the first Japanese to live to Ontario. She has gone through so much in her life but she holds no bitterness. It's really amazing how beautiful and wonderful she is. And Shizue means "quiet"...I hope that means my baby won't be fussy!:)

If it's a boy...Al & I aren't quite as decided. We like Ryan and Josiah. Al's pretty certain we're going to have two girls...but who knows, right?!

All I know is that if I'm pregnant, it will be a miracle. It's been 5 years of marriage and no kids, no pregnancies, nothing.

Update

2005-11-30T13:57:00.000-05:00

Oops! I forgot to publish the last two posts I wrote. My sister-in-law from Japan changed our computer's language setting. It's back to the English setting except it's still in Japanese on my blog site buttons/instructions.

Anyway, Al & I have finally moved to our new condo!!! It's great! It's a lot of fun but a lot of work. Valentine is now home with us after having surgery. The surgery went well and she's recovering. Her liver does have some problems but other than that she is okay.

Hamster Valentine

2005-11-20T00:51:00.000-05:00

Went to the emergency vet tonight. Valentine had blood in her urine. It has been going on for the last few days. Last night was when we realized it was blood for sure and suspected it was in her urine. She was very active and wanted to come out and play for a long time. She has been eating and drinking the usual amount. She is now running on her wheels which is a good sign. The doctor gave her antibiotics in case it's a bladder infection. And if it doesn't stop by monday, I will take her to a small animal clinic where she went last time. Please heal her Jesus!!

Arg

2005-11-10T12:51:00.000-05:00

Arg! That's how I feel today.

My session with Dr. Q didn't go as well as I had hoped. I was trying to share about how my dad would put me down and he interupted me, said, "yeah, yeah, yeah," and he kept talking. I was opening up my heart, close to tears and he dismisses my feelings! Arg!! So, I hardly looked at him the rest of the time and he could sense that I was upset. I tried to articulate what I was upset at but he never apologized. He said that he knew when to empathize and when not to. The nerve! I was very upset at him. I think he'll try to call soon to see if I'm okay but I don't want to talk to him.

I only speak with a therapist once a month. I like to think that I can spill my guts, be vulnerable and share what's been on my heart & mind. I can unload. But, he didn't even listen to me!! He thinks he knows what's wrong with me and how to fix me now. He thinks he knows everything about me and I don't need to share my feelings anymore or revisit the past. I just need to live out of my wise mind. Well, there were a lot of things I didn't share before. A lot of things I never did share about the abuse I experienced as a child. He was somewhat sympathetic. I found him somewhat judgemental too of me.

I feel like stopping therapy with him. I won't though. I think we both have a different expectation about therapy and what it entails and how to proceed.

I feel a lot of anger towards him right now for not listening to me. I pay him to listen to me!! I know that I must live in my wise mind and not in my emotional mind but I'm trying to explain what's happened in the past so we can together go forward into the rational mind and wise mind. I can understand if I kept harping on the same point that he would interupt me and dismiss it. But, I've never told him before what my dad had said to me in this instance that hurt me so deeply (and relevant to what we were talking about). And he dismisses it, like it has nothing to do with what we were talking about. It has everything to do with what we were talking about. Then he said, "So you're blaming your dad for how you are today?" No, I wasn't. I was giving background and a stumbling block for me to get over! Of course it's my choice but I don't blame him. So accusatory.

I was very emotional too because it was something I had been thinking about over the past few weeks...about my childhood and abuse. It wasn't to rehash for old time's sake, but it just came up because I was thinking about my suitability as a parent. I was looking up emotional abuse and I realized that I had been emotionally abused. I guess I really needed to talk about the emotional abuse I experienced and not about how to divide responsibilities in my household. I guess I could have made it clearer. It's only know that I understand.

Maybe I will email Dr. Q today to tell him that I needed to talk about something different. And I needed healing.

Honesty

2005-11-04T13:39:00.000-05:00

I need to be honest with myself and others. I realized last night that sometimes I don't communicate how I'm really feeling so I act out in strange ways. Eg. last night I didn't want to be intimate because it brought back horrible memories for me and so I created a fight to divert the evening into a predictable outcome...no need to make love. However, I realized that I do that quite subconsciously and I really need to learn to just be vulnerable with Al and communicate with him! Arg!!! When I told Al that I had created a fight on purpose, he was really gracious about it. He understands.

I met this guy, Glen (nice guy), at a wedding last weekend and he was from the same social circle as Glenn, the abuser. So, it just brought back all these horrible memories and the next night, I freaked out! I just couldn't be intimate with Al. It may take some time until I feel back to normal. This is the reality of what I live with. I'm scared that I will be forced to make love and that my wishes will not be respected although Al would never do that. I just need to cry and cry and vent about Glenn and how horrible it was to be pushed into something I didn't want! Instead of running away from these feelings, I must be honest. OK. I feel horrible, used and violated. I hate what Glenn did to me and I am so angry at him. How could I not be? What he did was completely unjust. I wish he would go away forever. But, I will not live my life in that past. I am moving on with my life and I am worth more than how he treated me. I hate Glenn's actions and I know he was out of control. I'm glad he is not like that anymore. I want the best for him. I think. I hope I do. I'm just feeling like I was treated so unjust. I guess my feelings of anger just underscore the fact that I HAVE VALUE! I'm a person of value and my feelings/thoughts are valuable. I know I have value and that's why I'm angry. So, I guess I can try to focus on the good part of my anger. I do have value and I will treat myself with respect. Glenn was at fault. I was victimized. I will rise above the experience to create something of value and meaning out of it. A sense of worth for myself. Even if my parents and Glenn didn't treat me with respect, doesn't mean I don't deserve it.

After reading this post once, I'm proud of myself for not diverting the topic and just expressing how I feel. Sometimes I run away from my feelings instead of just facing them and being real. Hard but easier to handle. I guess that's how sane people deal with their emotions?! I'm feeling angry at Glenn but happy to be alive and available emotionally for Al in most ways. I'm glad to have a new house and a new life ahead of me. Life is good. I am at peace.

Go Leafs Go!

2005-10-28T12:43:00.000-05:00

The colour of my blog has changed to help cheer on my favourite hockey team!!! Go leafs go!!

The Healing Journey Begins

2005-10-26T17:28:00.000-05:00

Intermission is over...Everyone find your seats...the show is about to begin again...
I believe we left off in my journey to wholeness with the rape and abuse at age 16.

So desparate, alone, ashamed and feeling guilty, I kept praying to God to forgive me for what I had done. One night I had a dream that I had died and gone to heaven. In my dream, I approached God and asked Him to forgive me. He showed me someone who had gone to hell. This man was in a church and scenes of his life and all his wrong doing were played before him again and again. Then he started running down a hallway to escape but the hallway was narrow and he kept bumping into who looked mean and angry. He started screaming and I knew that was where he would spend the rest of his life. Then, I looked around me in the dream and I felt such peace and security and I knew that God had forgiven me and that was where I would spend the rest of my life...in Heaven.

A little bit after that dream, a friend explained to me at a new church I started going to with my family that if we believe that Jesus is the Son of God, and that he died on the cross for our sins that we could be forgiven of all our sins and go to Heaven to be with Him forever. He said the purpose in life was very simple: to believe in Jesus and to tell others about Him. I thought, that sounds pretty clear and not so confusing as I thought. I prayed right then and there to accept Jesus as my Lord & Saviour. I had always learned that Jesus died on the cross and I believed in Him, but I never knew WHY he died. He died because He loves us. The punishment for our sin was a life apart from Him, like in the dream. But He wanted to provide a way for us to be close to Him and so He took the punishment for our sin by dying on the cross. That was our price that we were suppose to pay but God loves us and paid it for us. So, that if we only believe in Him, trust in Him, then He will come into our hearts and make all things new. We will spend eternity in Heaven with Him, forever cleansed of our wrong doing and forever made clean by what He did on the cross for us! How awesome is that! I was so thankful and I still am so thankful. Jesus, the God of the Universe, loves me, died for me, washes away my sin so that I can be clean, healed and freed.

This is where the journey of healing really began for me. After accepting Jesus into my heart as my Captain or Lord, then my heart changed. I no longer wanted to go out clubbing, no longer desired to smoke, no longer craved some of the dark things I turned to. The transformation began from the inside out.

Vacation/Baby

2005-10-17T12:20:00.000-05:00

I just got back from a 4 day vacation to Halifax to see my brother-in-law get married! It was a great time and I really enjoyed it, the people and the time with family!

One thing I'm kind of struggling through are some people's reactions to my doctor's advice to have me stay on 10 mg. of Paxil while trying to concieve and breastfeed. My mother-in-law wanted me to do more research. I told her the research published was only of initial studies and that this is what my doctor said. She handed me a newspaper clipping of an article about how paxil has a 1-2% higher risk of heart malformation in infants. Most who had heart malformations were reversed once born so the total number of increased risk is 1-2%. Honestly, the risk of something happening to me through NOT taking the medication is probably higher. As I think longer about my situation the more I think I could have a chemical imbalance. My friend who is a nurse said she said you should always trust your doctor. So, I do. I will not BLINDLY trust my doctor. I will weigh the pros and cons. I will be wise and keep my eyes open for new studies. But, I will also place a higher value on what my doctor says than what uninformed friends and family members think. Another friend when I told her, she gave me this look of "oh my goodness, are you serious" look. It was kind of disheartening. I have done more research than they have so who are they to judge? I will decide what's best for baby. I will weigh all the options and think and pray through them carefully. I don't need people's protest and lack of support during this time. Well, I guess, I will just have to inform them of what I know so far. So far it's proven to be safe. Some of the initial studies have shown withdrawal effects on baby infants. But, nothing long term. I hate the idea of withdrawal, but my doctor says that it is better for me to stay on it. I couldn't agree more. In a time of hormonal influx and changes, the more stable I can be with paxil, the better. Therefore, the harm in me not taking paxil, thinking harmful thoughts, being in a detrimental mood to the baby and self are WORSE, I think, than actually taking the medication and having some (perhaps, but not guarenteed) short-term affects. I want to cherish my baby and I want to love them while in the womb. Apparently, they know if they are loved or not before they are even born. So, it is important, that my attitude and frame of mind be a positive stable one and not one that's self-loathing or anxious. I think it's more important that I take my medication (the lowest dose) and enjoy my pregnancy and baby. This way, emotionally, my baby will have a secure, safe and stable environment to grow in! Yes, this is more important. Everything will be okay.

Session

2005-10-05T12:48:00.000-05:00

I'm going for a session with Dr. Q tonight. I was going to cancel a few days ago because I didn't have anything to talk about. Then, I started thinking about my parent's relationship and about how they never really loved each other. How it made me feel rejected. Then, Al & I got into a fight about something (I don't even remember what it was) and then I started feeling really upset. I banged my knees together really hard and kept trying to sleep in uncomfortable positions. Thoughts of self injury were flashing through my mind. I started calling myself names and I felt like I had to punish myself. In the last few days, I have gotten really frustrated at Al for silly things. I think there's something that's been bottled up. Well, at least now I have something to talk about with Dr. Q. I've been feeling really unsettled and I think it's hormonal.

This morning after I got into a fight with Al, I felt like I was going to loose it! But, I realized, I had a decision to make, a choice. I could choose to act out of the best of who I am. So, I decided today that I would love God, others and myself. I would choose to respect others and myself whether I felt like it or not. Like a muscle that needs exercise, I need to use the muscle for self-restraint from harming myself. It's a choice...At least now I know I have one. I smiled at a little girl outside my house and she smiled back and waved at me! It was so cute. So, I am at work and feeling a bit out of sorts but will continue to act out of the best of who I am and out of my values...love, respect and peace.

Intermission

2005-09-28T12:34:00.000-05:00

Intermission in the story...

My friends are getting married this Saturday and I'm so excited for them. http://www.octoberfirst2005.com. They have been so generous to their friends. Al & I are reading Scripture for their wedding. As a thank you, they gave each one of their helpers a book that represented their personality from the Rob "Henersen?" children series of Mr. & Miss books. Al got Mr. Brave. I got Miss Giggles. My friend Lindsay, one of the bridesmaid, got Miss Troublemaker. (I thought she would get Miss Naughty!) I think the bride is Miss Giggles personally, but I was so blessed by her thoughtfulness. The story was about Miss Giggles who lost her giggle and then someone gave it back to her. It was kind of sobering because it was actually the story of my life! I used to be so high spirited and giggly and then the abuse happened. Now, I finally feel like in the past month, I'm back to that giggly self again!! How great that after 16 years of feeling like I messed up my life and I'd become a different person, I feel like I'm back to the person I was always meant to be...pretty happy-go-lucky, contented, and always ready for fun! I feel a connection to the person I used to be as a child and the person I am today. It's so surreal. It's like I woke up from 16 years of sleep and I'm just discovering who I am as an adult. I think the change happened after a retreat this August or after many sessions with Dr. Q...maybe I just found myself! Yeah!:)

Glenn

2005-09-16T12:16:00.000-05:00

Too emotionally difficult to get into a lot of detail about this next phase of my life. This next part will be in brief notes.

From age 14-16, I was deeply wanting an older male's approval and attention. I thought that this older man, Glenn, of 23, 9 years my senior, was a funny, cool and great guy. I met him at church, but he wasn't a Christian or anything. He just kind of hung out for social reasons. So, I met him and got to know him a bit. He was a friend. When I was 14 years old in the summer, we started talking a lot on the phone. I was going into highschool and thought it was really cool to hang out with this guy. I felt special that I had such a cool friend who drove a motorcycle, went to clubs to party, was athletic and 23 years old! Well, one thing led to another and the relationship developed into a romantic one.

The start of the romantic relationship was the beginning of the end. I will not go into too much detail about all he said, lied about, how he corrupted me psychologically and sexually or it would really bring up old wounds, I want to leave. Baisically, my self-esteem plumetted. I became sulky, depressed and withdrawn. I felt ashamed, guilty and horribly misused. I felt like a broken, shattered person that was only a shadow. I wished I could have become invisible and disappeared. At 15 I was clinically depressed (self-diagnosis) as I never got any help. My relationships with my parents were very broken but they assumed I was just going through a phase that I would soon snap out of. I started hurting myself after a friend used a razor blade to carve words into her legs. I was also influenced by Glenn who used to act suicidal and para-suicidal. So, I started hurting myself to relieve the feelings of pain, anger and rejection I felt. I just hid it from everyone. It's like I acted one way in public, but in reality, my life and personhood had shattered into a million pieces. Desparate, alone and clinging on to life...I often used para-suicidal gestures to gain attention or just to express my pain. Some of the best poetry has come out of this time frame of my life, though I often don't like to read them as they're very dark. Because of his constant revolving door behaviour, my heart was broken and my trust in others gone. My trust in myself also left.

At age 16, I thought the only way to keep his interest in me was to have sex with him. So, it happened. But, I did not want it to. I said, "No!" twice but he still persisted. I didn't resist or fight him as I was so much smaller than him and I didn't want to face his rejection of me as in the past when I wasn't sexual with him. Of course, as usual, he left me and never came back to me. He denied that he was the father when I thought I was pregnant. But I wasn't pregant, just late. By this time, I had come to expect this kind of rejection and cruel behaviour from him, but I still hurt so bad inside. I think finally, I had had enough of him. I know I had had enough of the pain. I was at my lowest of lows.

Something happened, that made my life turn around....to be continued.

First Suicide Attempt

2005-09-09T11:42:00.000-05:00

At age 13, life was pretty good. I was popular (not really, really popular, but popular enough), class president, pretty, had nice clothes, had a good self-esteem, active in jazz, ballet, music and other activities. On all accounts, I had a dream life. Only one thing that I both thought about a lot and felt a bit embarrased about... no boyfriend. I felt that because I was Asian, a lot of guys weren't interested in me or considered me attractive to them. One guy asked every girl out in the class except a really fat girl and me. I was kind of bumbed out about how guys perceived me. This one factor doesn't really play a part in my life until a year or two later.

So, with a good life and no major problems, why did my first suicide attempt come at this stage of my life? I don't know. My parents were mad at me for something. Usually my dad is relentlessly mad at me and my mom defends me from his actions of spanking, hitting or abusing. Now, both my parents were mad at me and yelling at me. They left the house to take a walk because they were both so mad at me. I took it so personally, as I was and still am quite sensitive. I just remember feeling that maybe both had turned on me and I had no one in my life. So, I took a bottle of Tylenol and swallowed about 8 pills. The bottle said to not take more than 13 pills a day so I figured 8 would be enough. My parents got home just after I had taken the pills and they realized what had happened. My parents freaked out. My mom made me throw up all the pills until she counted them all in the sink. My dad yelled at me, "You could have died you know!" I just replied, "I know" and he didn't know what to say after that. Lying in my bed that night, I just prayed that I wouldn't die. And my mom said that she had tried to overdose on pills one night when she had first got married. My dad took her to the hospital and they pumped her stomach. She said her parents came to the hospital too. Then, I asked my mom what they said to her and she said the never mentioned it to her after that night. My dad said she had to go off birth control pills and then she felt better. She realized after that night in the hospital, she would never do that again. And she never wanted to take her life after that. In fact she's so full of life now. Another strange event happened that year where my brother felt suicidal that year, too. I don't remember what was going on at home but things weren't happy in our family at all. My mom didn't realize that my brother was suicidal and shocked that he felt that way. I wasn't. I didn't care. (I do now!) But, back then I was so cynical. I can't believe in retrospect that my parents didn't ask for help for us in anyway. No doctors, no psychologists, no hospital visits...nothing was done.

Childhood

2005-09-07T11:28:00.000-05:00

They say Borderline Personality may have some roots in lack of validity. Well, my father criticized me a lot and never encouraged me. He was emotionally distant. He was dealing with his own issues and tried to parent me as best he could. He did provide money for us to live and was a lot of fun to play with at times. My mother was very nurturing but also did not validate me in that she wanted me to do things her way. Sometimes pushing boundaries by trying to persuade me to do things her way instead of letting me make my own choices.

As well, I grew up in an all white community. Well, 98% all white. I was usually the only Asian person in my classroom. I saw how some Asian people were treated very poorly and made fun of. They were excluded from all social activities. I grew up trying to prove myself and feeling like I had to be extra everything, if I wasn't to be excluded. One of my biggest fears was that my classmates would realize that I was suddenly uncouthe and treat me just like those other minority kids. I was baisically treated well. But, at times older kids I didn't know would make fun of me because I was Japanese when I walked home from school. I wanted to be just like everyone else but I grew to accept that I was different. I never told anyone about these incidents when I was younger. I felt ashamed and like it was something to be embarrased about. Like I had failed to be cool enough. These messages made me feel that there was something wrong with who I was.

My Story

2005-09-01T11:24:00.000-05:00

It's time for me to tell my story. How I got borderline personality disorder and how I'm overcoming it. It's a long story so I will just begin today.

I grew up in a nice suburban area in Toronto, Canada. Two parents and an older brother. It all seemed good and normal from the outside, but inside was a family adrift. My dad was very controlling, narsastic, emotionally distant and demeaning towards his wife and myself. My mother was nurturing but seemed very self absorbed and negligent in many areas. I was there for her and her needs. My needs would have to wait. In growing up, I did have mostly happy memories but a desparate few painful moments, like splashes of black paint against a colourful backdrop. To be continued...

Paxil & anxiety

2005-08-31T11:33:00.000-05:00

My bro & sister-in-law are back from Japan! It's so good to see them! We had a good banquet for them last Saturday.

I'm going to my family doctor today. I'm going to ask if I can lower my 10 mg. Paxil dose slowly until I'm off it. I will ask for liquid Paxil or to cut my pills. I hope she is okay with either of those options. If I need to be on it, that's fine. I will stay. But if I don't then I'd rather be off it while I have babies.

My one issue that I'm most concerned about in coming off Paxil is anxiety. I think the cutting and self abuse is under control with the therapy I've received. But, it's the anxiety I sometimes experience that I hope is okay. Now, I'm so thankful that I can go shopping, stay in closed environments and other potentially "threatening" environments and I'm fine. No panic attacks anymore.

I think one reason I get panicky is that I feel I must control my environment to stay safe. I think after the sexual abuse, I wanted to control my environment and external factors to avoid the pain of abuse. However, that's impossible and stressful. I can't try to control things that are out of my control! It's such an oxymoron. So, now I want to give up trying to control my environment and just roll with the punches. Live life and just let it happen. It's more relaxing that way! I can't control if I'm abused or not by another's sick person's intention. I can take steps to protect myself and that's what I must focus my energy on instead of control. I can focus on being assertive, loving, caring, not walking alone at night, being watchful, listening to my instincts, guard who I am close friends with and not taking unnecessary risks. That's more protective than to try to control my environment. Lord protect me, I pray.

Storm

2005-08-25T11:09:00.000-05:00

There was a huge storm last Friday in Toronto. For a city not used to experiencing tornados or extreme storms, we were in for a shock. On Friday around 3:00 there was a lot of showers, lightening and thunder. It seemed pretty typical until around 3:45pm when it got really intense. I received an email around 3:45pm stating that there was a tornado warning in effect. The signs of a tornado were the following: heavy winds, heavy rains, greenish sky and hail. I look outside, "Wow! It looks pretty green. It's definitely raining hard and there are heavy winds." So, I go to the basement and a bunch of co-workers and students are also there. We look at a basement window and half of it was covered with water! Hail, the size of a computer mouse were seen. Water started pouring into the basement. Where we were standing started flooding. I heard our engineer say "There are recepticles on this wet floor. We need the electricity cut off now." Then all the staff were asked to proceed to the basement and then because of lack of room with the flooding, back up to the first floor away from windows. It was craziness. We were joking and trying to make light of it all but it was very scary. The scariest moment was when I first went down to the basement and we were all taking about our loved ones. I couldn't get a hold of Al and he should have been arriving home from the bus stop around that time. I could just picture him helping out some old lady or escorting someone home. So, I was worried that he was in an unprotected area and risking his life to help someone else. That's when I got really worried. That was the scariest part. Then, the hail and rain died down a bit and we were told we could go back to work. So, everyone was relieved but the flooding had taken it's toll. The main road out of our workplace had turned into a river. No one could leave. A car was in up to its wheels in flood water. No one could even walk across it because it was rushing water. So, everyone was telling one another the best routes out....driving through the park. Everyone went in and out through the park. I waited until around 7:30 at my friend's house until I knew I could get home safely. Both roads I usually take home were backed up and in low lying areas that would have been flooded. I got home safely as I took a round a bout route that was on higher ground. I saw about 15 cars that were either stalled or in accidents on my normally 10 minute drive home from work. I had helped clean up the flood waters in the basement and my sandals were gross. I haven't worn them since. My feet were stained with something black. And as I drove home, I teared up thinking about how scared I was that something could have happened to Al or I. I got home safely. The next day though I heard horrible stories. My co-worker's basement was flooded up to her waist! The cars were floating around in the garage. Another friend had their basement flooded and raw sewage went into their home. Gross!! It's suppose to wreak!! The tenents (also my friends) were asked to move out as soon as possible, but now they need to find a place to live just before school starts! My church was flooded and church was cancelled. Church is back on this Sunday but no kids ministry in the basement.

It was so scary. But one thing that really struck me was how great it is to work in a community like I do. Everyone was helping each other, looking out for one another, trying to help where they could and being like family. That was really neat to see.

Update

2005-08-12T11:33:00.000-05:00

Going to a retreat with my new church this weekend. It's suppose to be overcast but oh well, it will just be good to get away from Toronto for a while.

I haven't seen my medical doctor about weaning of Paxil yet. It's really busy in my office now and I can't take the time off work. Hopefully in September when I do shift work for a couple of days, I can take the morning to go to my family doctor. It's hard when she lives so far away and only open during my office hours. That means I can only go during non-peak periods in my office, since my work is pretty seasonal.

Al & I are still planning to have a baby soon. I can't wait. I really want to be a mom! Al got a full-time permanent job!! I'm really happy for him.

Lots of good things to look forward to:
- My brother & sister-in-law are coming to live in TO on Aug. 25th after living in Japan!
- Oct. 1st my friends Keith & Roberta are getting married. Al & I are reading scripture. Keith, the maid of honor and I all wanted to have a Star Wars theme and dress up in costume but RBA (as I call her) doesn't want that. We had it all planned!! It was so funny.
- Oct. 14th, my brother-in-law is getting married in Halifax. I get to go there. But I'm a bit nervous because there are hardly any minorities. I hate feeling like a freak show. I even heard in St. Johns (somewhere on the east coast) that they were throwing stuff at Asian people. Arg!! I don't want to be picked on, stared at or treated horribly or have my family looked down upon because I'm there. We'll see. Maybe in my Sept. 7th appointment, I can talk with Dr. Q about this.
- Nov. 22nd (hopefully the date doesn't change) I'm moving in to my new condo
- Dec. 25th - Christmas & if our place is cleaned up before then, maybe we can entertain!! Christmas parties!!! Yeah!!

Sad News

2005-08-08T11:42:00.000-05:00

I've heard some pretty sad news over the last few days. If you remember these people in prayer, that would be great. My pastors' daughter, son-in-law and son were in a major car accident last week. The son-in-law just died on Saturday. The daughter is out of ICU but she had plastic surgery on her face/head area. The son is okay but quieter than usual.

The other sad news is that my parents-in-law were going to visit their mother in the hospital and found their brother, Philip unconscious. My grandmother, by marriage, had some strokes and needed to be in the hosptial and Philip had been left alone in the house. When my parents-in-law got to Philip's house, they found him lying on the ground unconscious. The ambulance came and he went to the hospital. The doctors said he had a stroke and was dehydrated. If my parents hadn't arrived there within the next couple of hours, he would have died. So, now Uncle Philip and grandmother are in the same hospital on the same floor. They may end up both going to the same care facility. Thank God my parents-in-law arrived when they did, though. Poor Uncle Philip. I've never met him but I'm sad for him and my family.

On the cheery side, my husband got a job offer. It's full time and close by our new condo. He has until Thursday to make a decision.

Spike, the dog we were babysitting, has been moppy all weekend. Maybe he misses us?! Poor Spikey. I love him so much!!

Feeling down. Lord Jesus - Please come and heal Philip, restore him, and my pastors' family. Physicaly, emotionally, psychologically, restore them I pray. Amen. Please comfort Grandma during this time. Bless my pastors & their family and my family too as they deal with these life circumstances. Thank you that YOU see fit to do according to Your grace, wisdom and love. Be glorified. Amen.

Friday!

2005-08-05T11:49:00.000-05:00

Yeah! It's Friday!! It's gotten really busy at work because of the registration deadline coming up for returning students! Soon school will be bursting with students and I'll be swamped again!

One item to report. I prayed after feeling so panicky on that walk with Spike & Al and I just asked God to heal me of panic attacks. And then I went out a little while later for a walk and I felt great! No panic attacks or anything!! It was so great!! I hadn't done any other work psychologically, I just prayed!! Yeah God!! He took away the anxiety and fear!! I hope it just keeps continuing!!

2005-07-28T11:34:00.000-05:00

Dr. Q
I had such a good session with Dr. Q yesterday. We talked about the arguement that Al & I got into. Actually we focused on a different arguement that happened last week. Anyway, he said I need to change the way I PERCEIVE the situation. It's like I loose trust in Al so easily. I've been trying since then to really focus on trusting Al more. It's like I keep taking baby steps in that area, but I need to keep going.

As well, he recommended that when I was angry, to stop, pray, wait and calm down. Then, to talk with Al in a way that focuses on my values "good, harmonious relationship", "love - choosing what's best for the other person" and not necessarily just venting or expressing my anger. He says I have to make decisions based upon my values, now.

I told him I'm doing well. I was in a closed in situation in chapel and I got a bit panicky. Then, I remembered about what Dr. Q taught me. I started thinking "I'm a considerate person. I will make the most considerate decisions in chapel if I have to leave and if other people don't understand or think I'm rude, they will be wrong. I will make the most considerate moves possible." And I tried to reassure myself that those around me are gracious people and my friends. I prayed and relaxed and it was fine. Since Spike is around, too, I think walking him is really grounding me. So, I'm able to go out and walk longer distances and farther than I have before without panic. And when I've gone shopping with Al, I can walk around and not feel panicked either. Dr. Q said to keep using the grounding techniques and doing what I'm doing. He mentioned that I probably got all panicky because I was too preoccupied with being vulnerable. (with Al)

I took Spike for a walk with Al yesterday and I felt panicky, especially with Al holding the leash. I tried to focus on the blue sky but it was of no use. I took a shorter path home and held the dog's leash so I could get grounded. Then, I felt better feeling "in control". It's like this whole - feeling safe and not being vulnerable with Al that's making me feel so panicky.

Anyway, Dr. Q said that I don't have to see him until Sept. 7th because of the money issues and also 'cause I'm doing well. He recommended that if I really wanted a baby that it's better to think about it sooner rather than later. And he also recommended that I start lowering my Paxil dose, too! I'm going to call my family doctor to see how she wants to do this lowering thing. I don't know if she'll be for it, but I want to try again - SLOWLY, VERY SLOWLY!

So excited. I'm back at my home church, Acts. I'm around adults who are in the same life stage as me who I could really call friends. My focus and personal goals in life are coming back into focus and being met at Acts. Things are just going so well. Al & I actually have a life now that he's out of ministry. And we have weekends off! It's sooooo amazing. I'm sooo happy. I know it's because God is blessing us. I know it's because I'm happiest when I'm closer to God. I can be closer to God now that I have more time rather than in ministry as a pastor's wife. Strange, but true. That's the way I'm wired and that's how I'm happiest. Being a regular jo schmoe. Life is good. Praise God! I feel free!

Arguements

2005-07-26T11:45:00.000-05:00

Al & I got into a fight last night. I don't know if we deal with it well. It was over the dog. I wanted him to sleep on the bed but Al said no. When I asked why, he didn't give a direct answer. I grew frustrated and probably became more demanding than I needed to be and just kept asking "Why?!" Al mistook my question as a demand for the dog to be on the bed. Really, I've never had a dog growing up so I just wanted to know the reason why Al didn't want him on the bed. Smells? Unhealthy? Takes up too much room. We've talked it out now. Al said he wouldn't jump to conclusions and make judgements on me. I will try not to get so frustrated and keep calm. I will try to express myself clearer. I think Al & I struggle with communicating clearly so we both end up in lots of fights over miscommunication. Most of our arguements are over miscommunication or misunderstanding the other person. Maybe part of it is the BPD and maybe part of it is just poor communication skills. Anyway, it's blown over now and I think I'm getting better at least in keeping my cool. I'm not personalizing the arguement and not harming myself. So, at least it's a step in the right direction!

I think I'm getting better. But, Al & I have so much more time on our hands, now that he's out of ministry, so we're together more. We're babysitting a dog for two weeks and he's sooo cute. I'm in love! I love Spike!! He's my baby!

Anyway, I better go, but just hope this blog helps anyone else going through struggles in communication and anger management stuff.

The Good & The Bad

2005-07-12T11:49:00.000-05:00

Crazy. Life is crazy. I keep hearing all this bad news and it's taken a bit of time to process!

A friend/acquaintance, Cindy's boyfriend died in a "longboard" accident. He was a skydiver and photographer and he was doing a jump on a long board (long skateboard) and he landed on his head. He had serious brain damage and he later died in the hospital.

Esther, at work, is leaving. She's been there for 8 years and is a good friend. I think they sort of "pushed" her out the door.

Angela, my other co-worker's "boyfriend" was leading her on and didn't even have the decency to apologize. Arg!

Al's grandmother needs to be in a nursing home because she may have had a stroke or several mini strokes.

A friend of my sister-in-law was diagnosed with manic depression.

So many things going on. But, I'm doing okay. I love being at Acts. I can't hide my excitement about being back at my home church. I love it there and I'm sooo glad to be back. My brother comes back from Japan with his new wife at the end of August! yeah!! Our new house will be ready November 8th! Things are still good. I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow with Al so we can talk about sex! I'm going to hang out with NCAC people tonight for a woman's small group!

Life is good.

BETTER

2005-06-30T11:53:00.000-05:00

Just in case you read this blog! I'm better now! I feel better than I have in a long, long time! I feel like I'm free to be me again! Finally, less running around doing things and more time to just relax, spend time in prayer and doing my purpose in life - PRAYING! How cool is that?!!

2005-06-27T11:41:00.000-05:00

I can tell the borderline is flaring up. Traumatic weekend.
Last time at NCAC and Al played softball against his ex-girlfriend.

Feeling overwhelmed by emotion, inferiority and emptiness. Numb. Numb. Numb.

I watched Lord of the Rings to push away the pain. Anything to avoid how desparately lonely and sad I feel inside. I didn't want to talk to Al. I just wanted to be alone and spend time zoning out.

Joy & Pain

2005-06-24T11:27:00.000-05:00

My last Sunday at NCAC will be this Sunday. Al & I are trying to write about 60 letters this week. I still have about 55 to do today and tomorrow. I just hope this Sunday goes well. I really want it to be a time of sharing, intimacy and cherishing. I don't want people to rush off or treat it like no big deal. Me, too. I want to be in the moment and cry while I'm there. I don't want to hide my emotions or run from them. I just want to feel them and just let whatever happens happen. The biggest thing I want to share is...how much I truly love and appreciate them from the bottom of my heart. That's what I desire to share. That's my goal. To let them know that in the roughest times, they helped carry me. I want to share what they mean to me. (Note to self- Bring kleenex!)

Urg. I've been pushing away my emotions for so long. Arg. The pain I feel inside at the thought of going is sooo incomprehensible. I ache inside. I feel like a mother cow or horse who's baby has just been taken away. I want to yell, scream and cry for them back. No! They can't take my babies away from me! That's how I feel inside. Anguish. They're taking away my kids. They mean so much to me. How can I let go? Anger. Rage. Why must I go?

At the same time, I feel such a deep sense of peace and joy in leaving and going back to my home church, ACTS. I'm exciting about growing in my faith and prayer. I feel like this is what God truly wants for my life and it will be such a welcome change in our life to be ministered to instead of always giving. As well, it will be a blessing to spend more time with Al instead of having opposite schedules. Then, Al & I will build a stronger marriage in which to raise kids. I will reconnect with old friends at ACTS and grow in relationship with God (which is the most important thing to me). And I will be able to still keep in contact with people from NCAC. I kept having dreams that everywhere I went, NCAC people were there with me. It was comforting to know that wherever I go, I will always carry them with me.

Well, that's the story. Work is good...slow, but good. I'm going on vacation July 1-11th. Al & I will go camping so I'm really looking forward to that time away. Then, back to the grind for another school year.

Not Pregnant!

2005-06-17T11:44:00.000-05:00

Definitely not pregnant! Maybe I just had the flu?! I missed my period on Monday and took a test this morning. I'm glad that I'm not pregnant. Al can go to teacher's college in Sept. 06 and we can get pregnant when he has a steady job! It'll work out better!

Negative Result?

2005-06-10T11:05:00.000-05:00

Greetings to all in Blogger Land!

I took an early detecting pregnancy test this morning and it came back NEGATIVE! Ah!! I'm feeling disappointed, scared, confused and unsure of the accuracy of the results. This morning Al & I sat and talked about how we were doing. I said that I wondered if all my "pregnancy symptoms" were imagined or if I brought them on by some psychological manipulation. He said he doubted it. Then, I convinced myself that I wasn't pregnant. I took a steamy shower (I've been avoiding hot showers!), had a 1/2 cup of coffee and still cautiously took my pre-natal vitamin. Then, as I was brushing my teeth and absorbing this disheartening news, I started to gag. I dry heaved and was felt so nauseous!

I'm going to wait a week and see if I get my period on Sunday as scheduled. I don't have my usual PMS signs, so I'm not sure when it will come. But, maybe next Friday if I don't get my period, I will take another test. Emotionally, I'm expecting it to be negative, but there's still that hope that it could turn out positive.

It was good to talk to Al because he said that he would be really happy to try to start a family and think about a career in teaching over the next few years. It was planned before that he would go to teacher's college in Fall 2006 and then get pregnant after he was done. I would be 32 but that's okay with me because it helps accomplish his dream and helps me continue to recover emotionally/mentally. Now, Al wants to have a family and think about starting teacher's college in Fall 06 in night school format or for the 2006 or 2007 year.

When I took the test this morning I felt like I just had to trust in God. Whatever He wanted would happen. If I was pregnant, but I got a false negative test result, it would have been worth the distress because I would know that Al really wanted this child and he/she didn't ruin his dreams of becoming a teacher. He really would have chosen to have a child over a teaching career at this point in life. That's positive and a load of burden off my shoulders.

I'll keep everyone updated.

Pregnant?

2005-06-07T11:15:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it. I have all the signs. Cramping in my female area, like PMS, nausea, heartburn, sore nipples, exhaustion & peeing often. Ah! My normal PMS signs of tender breasts aren't appearing as scheduled. These pregnancy signs I've been experiencing are so atypical of my body. My period is due this Sunday and I will take an early diagnostic test on Friday or Saturday morning. Al & I have taken a laxidasical approach to birth control since we do want kids! But, I was starting to wonder if something was wrong when I hadn't gotten pregnant while not using birth control for about 4 years! We were going to wait a year and a half until Al was done teacher's college, but I guess we'll have to make some rearrangements in our plans. Being pregnant would be a dream come true! I've wanted to be a mom since I was a little girl.

I think it just sunk in last night that if I'm pregnant than in 8 1/2 months, there will be another human being in this world! A precious little boy or girl that will belong to our family! (Actually, it hasn't fully sunk in.) Up until this point, I've been focusing on being pregnant and what that means over the next 81/2 months. (Feeling like you have PMS, the flu & exhaustion all at once that you can't take medicine for and how I will survive it!)

Al & I talked about boys names as we can't agree on one. But for a girl's name, we like Kaylyn. Al & I both say we don't care if it's a boy or girl, which is true, but we both long for a girl.

2005-06-02T11:39:00.000-05:00

OK. Time to blog here again.

I helped organize a goodbye & thank you lunch for my boss, Bill. We signed a card and I think it helped all of us in our grieving. It helped us to say thank you and bring something positive out of the goodbye. I'm starting to learn that there are things that can be done that are positive in the midst of horrible stuff. I've never done that before, but it really helps. For my church, I want to do something too, but I'm not sure exactly what. I want to get a muriel or wall hanging recounting all the good things God has done while we were at NCAC. Eg. Like a baby born at 1 1/2 pounds at only 25 weeks of living in the womb was born very prematurely. Her chance of making it was only 50-50. And she made it through! She's healthy and catching up on all the developmental stuff. It was rough there for a while, but God pulled her through. Other miracles are like the birth of another baby, Brian. As well, people being baptized, coming to trust in Jesus as Lord & Saviour, and celebrating all the new comers. I'm not sure how to convey all those ideas and memories in a visual way, though.

I had a difficult night last night. I was tired. But, now that I look back, I realize that it was my inner critic. It appears sometimes as a question rather than an accusation or seem to be based in rationality. "Well, then Al must find you disgusting." "Do you think you're good enough for Al?" Even if Al was to confirm that these were lies, I couldn't shake it out of my head. Now, I realize it was my inner critic and the problem is gone because my inner critic doesn't have any validity in my books. It's small and based in lies. It just wants to bring me down. I hate this inner critic. So, I'm okay. It's not me thinking these things and they're not based in reality. They're from my inner critic who is just a big meanie!

OK... Canadian Idol is totally not as good as American Idol. I'm not as into Canadian Idol anymore. It's getting blah. I really wanted Bo Bice to win on American Idol! Arg! Kerry was good, really good. But, my favourite was Bo Bice.

LInk

2005-05-30T12:46:00.000-05:00

Link to http://www.xanga.com/yukidog. This is my xanga site that I update more frequently, if you're wondering where I am.

Goodbyes

2005-05-16T11:38:00.000-05:00

I so suck at saying "Goodbye" and dealing with difficult issues. Well, now I have to say Goodbye to some people I really, really love. It's sooo difficult. I'm just avoiding but I have to deal with it and help them deal with it too. They're starting up small groups, now, but I will only be there for another month and a half. Our new condo's closing date is extended to Nov. 8th and I just wish that our closing date at NCAC could also be extended. But, it won't be. June 30th is our last day at NCAC. I think the thing that's hardest is that I LOVED these people so much, almost like they were my own kids. And when I was at my lowest point and felt like ending it all (a few years ago), I wrote down some of their names..frank, lianne, warren, josh...and thinking of them gave me courage to not end it all. I thought of how it would set such a bad example and hurt them so much. I thought about how much I loved them and never wanted to hurt them. I just love them so much. They are like my kids in many ways. Each week I see them, I feel such an overwhelming amount of joy and pride. Just thinking of them gives me such joy. To take that all away is so difficult. I will, of course, always carry them in my heart & soul. I have learned from them the lesson to just be yourself, even if it's out of the ordinary and it's okay. (They're good at that!:)) And I learned to love and care for others in a "pastoral/parental" way. Also, I learned from them to just enjoy life and to enjoy being silly. They have taught me so much. I will take what they taught me. And I will take the memories that I have with them. I have learned to give people and myself a second chance. To not give up but to continue to show grace, like they have done with me & others. Love can conquer all. So sad to say goodbye to what feels like my family. I can't imagine life without them. I think for a while my heart will feel so empty and sad. What will fill me with joy when they're not around?! My kids...my pride & joy. My Mindy, Josh, Frank, Li Li, Warren, Dave, Tony... my love.

Core Identity

2005-05-12T11:48:00.000-05:00

Dr. Q and I met yesterday. It was good. He wants me to NOT run away from feelings I'm scared of. Instead, I'm suppose to ACCEPT them. Then, I'm suppose to get an objective point of view. And then, act out of the consistency of who I am.

The problem with this exercise is that it builds on the last homework I was given. I'm suppose to journal about who I am. I listed lots of characteristics about who I am as a person. I can list a lot of things I'm both good and bad at DOING, but the homework wasn't about skills. I can describe myself and how I typically act, but it asked what's good and bad about ME. I listed things I saw as negative (1 1/2 pages) but when it came to things I see as good things about me, I only got two things!! Ah!! I think I said, I'm caring and something else...I forget. Ah! If this is the part I'm suppose to act out of, then how can I if I don't even know what's at the core of who I am as a person?!!

At the core of who I am (the transcendant self, as Dr. Q calls it), the part that doesn't change throughout time, I'm not sure. AH! Anyway, gotta go back to work!

Picture of me!

2005-05-08T15:08:00.000-05:00

Yup, thought it'd be time to both show my picture and find out how to work my picture profile! This is my picture!

My Five Questions from Polar Bear!

Where would you most like to take vacation?
I'm so biased...I think the most beautiful place in the world is northern Ontario, Canada. I would love to spend time up north in a luxurious cottage right on a private lake in Ontario! Roasting marshmellows and hotdogs over a campfire. Swimming, sitting on the deck watching the stars at night and suntanning during the day! Playing cards with friends. Yeah!

Who do I most admire & respect? And why?
Honestly, I think I admire people like Hudson Taylor and Jim Elliott. People who gave up their lives or most of their lives living in a harsh, uncomfortable environment just to share the gospel with others. They loved the people and God so much that they gave up everything for them.

My idea of the perfect weekend activity?
Barbecue party, suntanning, hanging out on the porch with Al chatting, going to a cottage or camping. Not hard to please!

The happiest moment in my life?
On my honeymoon in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico at the Sheraton Bugeon Villas. Just the whole week was so awesome...it was like paradise. Our hotel looked onto the ocean. We slept in everyday and ate an awesome brunch with fresh fruit, yogurt, freshly squeezed orange juice, harshbrowns, sausages! Yum! We hung out on the beach or by the pool until lunch time. Then, we'd order nachos with guacomole, salsa and carbonated lemonade EVERY lunch! At night, we'd jacuzzi in the hottub outside and try fajitas at a local restaurant! So fun!

What do you love most in life?
Husband, family, friends. No thing could ever take the place of a friend or person I value in my life. They are most valuable "things" I could ever love.

If you want to play, ask me to post 5 questions on your blog and you can play, too!

Healing

2005-04-29T11:50:00.000-05:00

I'm soooo thankful. Things have been going well. Finally, after working through so many issues with my psychologist about Glenn, things have improved. Last Sunday, I thought about forgivness and Glenn. I realized I still had a bit of anger left towards him. I asked God to help me forgive him. I realized the anger was about revenge. I just wanted justice. I wanted him to repay me. But, I wanted to let go of this anger, too. Then a few days later I had a dream that I was sorting through my old highschool papers. I kept the poems I wrote that I was proud of but all the things pertaining to Glenn I threw away. I woke up and prayed that I could throw away and let go of Glenn and the anger I had. Then, I felt so much better. I felt like things were lifting off my stomach. I asked the Lord Jesus to fill me with His Spirit instead. Then, I felt like I was free. I felt so free. Like I had been imprisoned and didn't even realize it, until that moment of freedom! I feel so great!

And I went to see Dr. Quek this past Wednesday. He said that if I develop my sense of self more than the Borderline will go away. I asked him how long I would need to continue therapy for. He said I could drop down to 1x/month soon. He would leave it up to me. He wants to still meet every other week still because I'm moving churches and social groups this June/July. So, excited! Praise God! He has healed me! He is healing me! Hallelujah! My God heals!

Abandoned Baby

2005-04-15T14:04:00.000-05:00

I've had recurring dreams over many years about finding abandoned babies. A few nights ago I had another one, but this time, I think I may have an idea about what the baby represents. An abadoned me.

In the dream, a man pushed his wife who was teetering off the edge of a cliff instead of helping her. She died. He ran away and hid in the sewers below. He had his baby with him and he put it in a garbage can. A little while later, a boy came by and found this baby inside the garbage can. He took it home with him. I was this little boy's aunt. I went to visit him several months after he found the baby. He said he wanted to show me something. He lifted up the garbage can and there was a skinny little baby with a HUGE head. It looked like an alien. It was ugly and had soiled it's white bedding underneath it's fragile looking body. I was so shocked. The little boy touched it tenderly and I tried to touch it but was repulsed by it's non-human looking features. He even held the little baby and I tried to hold the baby too, even though it was so repulsive. I tried to reason with him by saying that he didn't know how to care for this baby properly and didn't have the time. He didn't seem to understand. I bent down to pat his head and said, "Because little boys can't take care of babies." Then, I said I needed to tell his mom but I would tell her first to break her in. I reasoned in my heart that the best place for the baby was a hospital. I would tell his mom then call 911.

I think the dream represented an abandoned and malnourised me. It represented the neglect and lack of care that I received growing up. The boy, I think, represented my brother, who tried to take care of me but was too little. I think me picking the baby up represented my trying to accept this broken part of me. The resolution to call 911 represented my desire to get the help (medically and whatever necessary) to confront the issue and receive healing.

I missed my last appointment with Dr. Q because I wasn't feeling well. I'm better now. But, I didn't have much to report anyway. I still need to work on dialoguing with my critical self.

During prayer meeting last night, I felt so whole and so complete. It was so great. I felt like ---this is my purpose in life! It's to pray. Not to be a pastor's wife and not to do all this other stuff, although it can be part of the picture -- I realized, my core mission in life is to pray. I'm happiest when I'm hanging out with Jesus! It made me so excited about going back to ACTS, my home church, in July! They're hard core into praying (Korean church)! I just LOVE HANGING OUT with Jesus! God has a purpose and destiny for Al & I! I felt it so strong last night and I haven't felt like that for about 10 years. I think this is only the second time in my life, I've ever felt like that. It made me think, maybe I didn't screw up my life. Maybe I'm right on track. It gave me peace and joy inside.

Beautiful Day

2005-04-10T16:24:00.000-05:00

It's a beautiful day in Toronto! Last Sunday it was snowing and this Sunday it's warm & sunny! How odd!

I'm suppose to journal with my critical self. The whole bane of my existance! My critical self has baisically gone on a mission to destroy me. Dr. Q said I'm suppose to find it's weak points. I'm trying to "dialogue" with my critical self. I can't let it control me like I have done in the past. I can't let it conquer me. It's a control freak and just wants to complete it's mission. I think the turning point came when I realized that I had allowed this destruction because I thought it was helping me in some way. I thought it was building me up and helping me to do better in life. But, it wasn't doing that at all. It was tearing me down. So, now, I try to shut off this critical self but it still pops up. It's so subtle.

Leaving NCAC

2005-04-08T17:53:00.000-05:00

It's official. I'm leaving my church with Allan. We're very sad about leaving all the people there and all the friends who feel like family. Baisically, Al feels like he's not suppose to be a pastor anymore. I totally support Al in his decision. He's been so burdened by pastoring and the lifestyle. I know that he's done well, but the Lord is leading us out. We will go back to our home church of ACTS after June 30th. But, I hope to still keep in touch with many of the people at NCAC. In fact, I feel very distraught about the whole situation.

Japanese-Canadian - Huge Long Blog

2005-03-20T00:37:00.000-05:00

"Come See Paradise" was a riveting film that I watched today for the first time. I think I would like to buy it if I can get my hands on a copy of it. It is the best movie I have seen about Japanese internment in America.

Warning - Long Blog.

I am a daisy. Minnie & Pastor Mary have both prayed for me separately and unbeknowest to both of them they both saw daisies in their mind. Minnie used to work at a flower store and said daisies were the most sturdy of flowers. They could endure so much neglect and yet still grow. When Al buys me daisies, they always last longer than other cut flowers. They were made to endure. I am like a daisy. Even in the harshest of environments, somehow my family & I managed to grow.

Japanese culture teaches people to push away their emotions of sadness and to not talk about deep issues of hurt. So, no one really talks about the internment in families I know. How can anyone process it, if they are not willing to discuss it? It's not like I want everyont at family get togethers to compare notes, "Oh yeah, well, my internment days were rougher than yours because we had ice on the inside of our windows." They don't want to discuss that part of their lives. They keep it hidden. Isn't there a time for silence and a time to speak out? As a young Japanese-Canadian growing up in the freedom of this nation, I have no comprehension of what it would have been like to endure such hardship. I couldn't imagine being my grandma and having my farm taken away or being my grandpa and having my Harley Davidson motorcycle taken away. How could precious photos of dear loved ones not be returned and destroyed as refuse? Many questions but no real concrete answers. I hope our hardship can be a lesson that is learned for many Muslim people's sake. I hope & pray that they do not experience post 911 what we experienced post Pearl Harbour. It seems incredulous that it would happen now. Thank God.

There is no room for pity and despair. I will hope and look to the bravery and courage of my elders. I am so proud that they endured such injustice with grace, mercy and dignity. My grandparents worked so hard after all was taken away from them. They chose to stay here in this country and I am thankful. I can worship God freely and speak my mind. I can marry whomever I chose and be free. This is my home and the country I love. They sacrificed so much for us. I owe it to not only myself, but to them, to live life fully and be happy. I can't imagine hurting myself or wanting to kill myself anymore. I am precious. I have value. Out of such horrible conditions, my parents survived and I was born. I am a joy to them. I am a joy to my family. I must survive because I am so precious to them. I must live so I can tell this story. That we are a strong people and a gracious people. We are a people whom our Lord & Saviour, Jesus Christ, met so long ago. I have a history and a legacy for which I must carve out for my children. I must tell them of what happened so many years ago. And I must tell them how wonderful and lucky they are to be part of this family, who was saved by the grace of God. I only hope that I can do it justice.

My worth and value is not meaningless. Growing up, I thought I wasn't as good as others because I was Japanese and very small. The truth is that I was just as good as everyone else. I was just different and different isn't always bad. In fact, I had a very interesting legacy and history to my family and one that I should not dread. I hated that time of year, when it was heritage week and I had to share about my family. Everyone talked about their familes being Canadian for many generations or being English or Scottish in background. I was the only one who stuck out like a sore thumb and had names on my family trees that could not be pronounced. I longed to have blond hair, wide blue eyes and grandparents named Mary and John. Instead, I was strange and ate teriyaki chicken and sushi on Christmas. What a strange way to grow up. Everyone around you looking and acting different. People calling out names to me and laughing as I walked by. Still to this day, I hate going into small towns where I feel like I'm the main feature. "Wow! A real "chinese" person," they must be thinking. What will my kids go through?!

I felt so horrible and ashamed about being Japanese. I didn't know what to think of it, except maybe I was strange. It must be bad if people stare and make fun of me for being it. Why were we the butt end of all the jokes, if we had nothing to be ashamed about?

"God chose the weak things of this world to shame those that are wise." The Bible. (St. Paul, I think) Perhaps that is why God chose my family to bless. My grandparents stayed outside Toronto because they wouldn't let any Japanese people live there. Finally when Toronto opened up to Japanese people, my grandparents moved in there. My grandparents became Christians in the internment camps in BC. A missionary taught English in the camps and my grandfather became a Christian. Later on my grandmother also became a Christian. My great uncle struggled with whether what he had heard about Jesus was true or not. He went up by a tree, determined to not come down until he had made a decision. He became a Christian that day and later a minister. My grandfather was an elder and read through the Bible three times. My grandma is an elder now too. She loves the Psalms and has even forgiven the government. I do not know another woman who has such dignity, grace and inner beauty, than her. I want to be like her when I'm older.

They are the survivors and overcomers! What a legacy of love, hope, forgiveness and redemption. But the glory must go to God who pulled them through such horror with such grace and peace. There is no shame on my grandma's face. There is no ill will in her spirit. Just peace and contentment. It must be God. There is no other explanation.

What we have found and proven true is that God is really our hero. He did chose us to be a showcase to the rest of the world. He is alive and humble. He will raise up anyone in any circumstance. Have I not learned the lesson already, Joanna? God will redeem even the hardest of abuse and glaring of neglect to show that He can heal all wounds. He will help me overcome. It is in my blood or in His blood, to overcome all obstacles. "The righteous may have many troubles, but overcome them all." Psalms. I am confident that I will be healed. How fully, I am not sure. But, there will be a great measure of healing because of the assuredness of WHO GOD IS. He does not change and what He does hasn't changed. He still binds up the brokenhearted and heals those who are crushed in spirit. If HE hasn't changed, then the result will not change either. And if He chooses the weak things of this world to shame those that are wise, than I am right in line for the healing & blessing of God Almighty. I am a friend of God. I am His daisy. His showcase of His great and abundant mercy poured out in Jesus Christ. I am His daughter. The rightful daughter of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

2005-03-18T15:15:00.000-05:00

Saw Dr. Q on Wednesday. It was good. We talked about a lot of different topics.
1) My mom. Developing an adult-adult relationship where I don't do things for her that she can do herself. And where I can emotionally separate from her and develop better boundaries. She is an adult and she has responsibility for her own life, not me. I don't have to care for her and protect her. She is an adult. And vice versa.

2) Diverting or switching technique. When I'm upset about something, like my mom's feeding the dog people food although it's not good for her, I can use this technique. Paying attention (like grounding) to one sense, eg. vision, for one minute. Then, for the next minute, I label & pay attention to what I hear. Then, the third minute, I pay attention to both at the same time. Then for about 5 secs. each, I switch back and forth between sight & hearing. This is suppose to help me pull away from distressful thoughts easier. Later on, I can practice with thoughts and learn not to dwell on negative stuff that's hurtful to me.

3) Glenn. After doing my homework of writing a letter to Glenn (that I did not send) I learned something new. I needed something from Glenn, still. I think I just need Glenn to acknowledge that I really loved him. And I want him to just to understand and appreciate the fact that I gave so much care to him. I genuinely loved and cared for Glenn. I just want acknowledgement that what I gave was precious to him. I don't even want an apology. I just need to know that he sees how much love & care I genuinely gave to him because I cared so much for him. I looked out for his best interest and showed to him an unconditional love. I just want him to say, he understands that I did that and he is grateful. That's it. He doesn't even have to say he reciprocated it or be sorry he took advantage of me. I just want to know that my love was received. That will be okay for me. Then, I can let go, I think. Dr. Q said it makes sense. I guess so. After all these years, is that the only thing I really wanted? To know that my love was of value and meant something to someone? I just want my love to bless another and then it's worthwhile and then it's special. Even if it's not returned, I just want to know that my love was appreciated because I gave it so freely, so generously and so lavishly. I just want my love for him to be acknowledged. So, Dr. Q wants me to draft a letter for next session. He will go over it and then after his corrections, I will send it out.

4) Narcissistic personality. Dr. Q said maybe Glenn had narcissistic personality. As I learn more about it, I think my dad has it! Maybe Glenn had it too. But both of this personality disorder and borderline have to do with not enough real self, I'm told. Narcissistics just inflate themselves and have too much self and the borderline has too little self. That's what Dr. Q said.

I will work on my homework with Glenn and the diverting technique. It's hard to do both at the same time, I find.

Wise Mind

2005-03-11T15:09:00.000-05:00

Thanks all for your comments & encouragement! It's so therapeutic to feel heard about your inmost thoughts & feelings.

I've been feeling a bit down the last two days. It's the BPD. I interpreted Al's lack of affection as proof that he doesn't desire me. My emotional mind says, Al will end up like all the other guys and not love you anymore. My rational mind says, he's not affectionate because either he doesn't like affection or he struggles to initiate affection (as he mentioned to me). My wise mind says, "My Emotional Mind can't be trusted. It doesn't make sense that he doesn't like affection. So the last option must be the truth: He loves me but struggles with showing affection like he told me." Phew! Dr. Q said I need to work it out with someone what my emotional mind is saying and what my rational mind is saying and than come to a conclusion with my Wise Mind. Al's been praying for me today. I could feel his prayers because I felt really good this morning and finally feel a peace about the wise mind.

I got my monthly friend today. I think it's affecting my emotions. I feel a bit down but not for any particular reason. I like being a girl but the hormone thing isn't always fun. Well, one day when I have kids, it'll be worthwhile!

Jail and freedom

2005-03-06T20:25:00.000-05:00

My psychologist told me that the age of consent in Canada is 14 so I don't really have a case to go to trial against Glenn. He said I could always consult with a lawyer. I am so angry that the laws of Canada are so lax! It's soooo frustrating. I'm trying not to let it confuse me or invalidate the truth that Glenn was wrong in taking advantage of me. I hate some of the laws of Canada. I know they're trying to raise the age of consent, which would be a good idea. I was exploited and abused and no one can tell me otherwise. The laws of Canada can't invalidate the truth and my conscience. I sat in session last week wanting Dr. Q to tell me that Glenn was still wrong. But, Dr. Q wants me to use my "objective" self to tell that to myself. I just feel like I want someone to validate my sense of injustice. But, Dr. Q wants me to validate myself. That's what I struggle with and that's what he's trying to build up in my life. Ah man! It's hard work. I will try...Glenn was wrong. Even if the laws of Canada are super lax in that area, I know in my heart that I was wronged and what Glenn did was incredibly evil and unthinkable to any sane person.

Dr. Q wants me to write a letter to Glenn about what he's done and how it's affected me. He wants me to go into more detail about Glenn and the abuse. Ah man. How painful. But, Dr. Q is good in the way that he's able to give me a different perspective than just what I always feel and rehash to myself. I don't want to think about Glenn and the abuse. I want it to go away forever and never come back. But, I am stronger now and I hope that I can get through these next few weeks. I'm putting off writing the letter but I guess I will try to start. Dr. Q says I can be empowered by forgiving Glenn.

I've been feeling anxious the last little while. I'm not sure why. Things are going good and my relationship with Al is good. My meds are stable. I feel insecure. I feel like the bottom of my life is dropping out although I'm not sure why. I think it has to do with the anger about Glenn and the abuse I've had. Just the fact that the gov't doesn't agree with me hurts so deep. That's twice this gov't has robbed me! I love Canada but I hate some of it's unjust laws. Canada, how could you rob me of this right to think and feel. My goodness, "Cause and Effect" thinking doesn't even begin in a person's life until they're 16! How can a 14 year old make a rational decision with a man of influence 9 years older on what to do sexually?! And when that man has told her to lie to her parents because all adults do. And when that man has psychologically manipulated me into believing that he wouldn't be my friend or like me if I wasn't sexual with him!! That's abuse when I'm young, naive and he's 9 years older. That's abuse and I don't care how stupid Canada law is. They're the ones misguided. And they've robbed me and probably others of a fair trial.

Part of me is glad because I don't want Glenn going to jail. He's tried to start his life over again after attempting suicide 5 years ago. And he hasn't been in a relationship with any girl for over 8 years because of his past. So, I think he's really changed. At least he's trying to make clean start. I don't want to hinder him on his search for a better & more productive life. Although I do want some justice and peace. But maybe I don't have to go through the court system for that justice and peace. I just need to give myself justice by validating myself and giving myself the best chance for a good future. I will try to make it up to myself and give myself that which Glenn could not...protection, love, security, acceptance, truth and grace. Who needs Glenn when I have myself to give that to myself. I know God would want it that way. I know that He loves me. I know that He says I'm worth something. I know that God wants me to have peace and will ultimately give me the justice I so hunger for in my heart. He will repay and He will reward. He is the judge and Glenn can not escape him. So, if anything, I pity Glenn and hope that he can have a better life from now on. A life on the right path...for both of us.

Poem

2005-02-27T17:38:00.000-05:00

Running away. Scared inside. Hoping to find some glimpse of truth.
In the horror of the moment, can I find peace inside. Something tells me that it's going to be okay.

If anyone wants to check out my other blog, it's a lighter or less "psychotherapy" journalling at www.xanga.com/yukidog. Come visit!

Child Definition

2005-02-27T16:18:00.000-05:00

uh oh. I just looked up the definition of a child as defined by Canadian law. It's 16 & under in some provinces (and 18 & under in other provinces). That means that Glenn will be reported by Dr. Q to the police authorities. I was 14-16 when he was abusing me. Woah. I feel overwhelmed. He will be reported. Not sure about what's next, but I guess we will see. Do I want to press charges against Glenn? Not sure.

5 mins

2005-02-22T13:35:00.000-05:00

Only 5 mins. to share. On Sunday morning I fainted. I must go see my doctor soon. I've been feeling dizzy and kind of out of it. Anyway, other than that...I'm exhausted. Too much staying up late with Al playing cards! I must win at Phase 10. I must win at Phase 10.

Went to see the psychiatrist and it was good. I may be switching to a different SSRI (Celexa?). I think it has less side effects and non-drowsy effects, compared to Paxil. I may get an anti-psychotic drug to take occasionally. It doesn't make sense though that I would take it only 1x when I need it but it takes like a few weeks to kick in. How than if I just take one dose will it actually work for those times I feel like harming myself? The psychiatrist said there's baisically no medicine that really treats self-harming behaviour or borderline personality, mostly just counselling. So, I need to keep meeting with Dr. Q.

Gotta go. Check everyone's blog when I'm at the computer next! Blessings all!

2005-02-18T00:02:00.000-05:00

Therapy was great and horrific at the same time yesterday. Dr. Q is so awesome. He's such a kind man and I'm so blessed to know him. I feel so hurt and in such pain though today, yet strangely empowered. I feel a bit less burdened. Hard to go into detail, nor do I want to go into all the detail. Baisically, it was helpful to express my hurt emotions and feelings to a "fake Glenn". I feel so hurt and used by Glenn. I feel so abused and broken. I needed his protection and his compassion. I needed him to watch out for me and look out for my best interests, like I was doing to him. My heart was so broken and even last night it came to the surface. He betrayed me and my trust. He can't give me what I need right now. I'm going to try to let him go. Some deep emotions came to the surface yesterday. It was helpful though to really know it wasn't my fault. He had the power and therefore he is to blame. That's what Dr. Q said. He said it wasn't my fault. As a professional psychologist, I'm glad he said that it wasn't my fault. I'm glad that it wasn't my fault. It was Glenn's fault and now I have no doubt in my mind. I really want to believe that Glenn didn't do it out of a malicious cold heart, but out of his pain. I think he was self-absorbed and out of control. I would like to believe him when he really said to me many years ago that he didn't mean for it to happen, it just happened. I want to believe that when he apologized to me, he really meant it. I need to believe that he was sorry for his actions. I need to believe that he was sincere in not wanting to hurt me as he looks back on his actions. But, I need to move on. I need to put this thing behind me. It's like this pain, I've held inside for so long is finally out in the open. Dr. Q asked if anyone had reported it before. I said, "No, not to my knowledge." He said that he may have to report it as part of his obligations. I felt so disapointed in my many other counsellors who never said, "It's not your fault" and who didn't report the abuse earlier. So many people have let me down in life. But, he is going to check on the definition of child. If the definition is 14 than he has to report the abuse. He wants me to think about if I want to press charges or not. I said I didn't want to go to court because I've heard horror stories. I don't want to see Glenn in jail. But, he did the wrong. I need to think about what I'm going to do and to see if he is guilty. I hope Dr. Q has some wisdom on the matter. It strangely makes me feel comforted, protected and safe. Like someone is looking out for me, finally. I have a good group of people supporting me and I'm so thankful for that. Although it won't be an easy journey, I know I will make it through. Things are finally looking better and maybe I will finally be able to put this all behind me. I think there was so much unfinished business. But, now, I feel like maybe it would be possible to actually "get over" this horrible event and find closure on this whole ordeal.

Quick Entry

2005-02-17T21:58:00.000-05:00

Hi! Quick entry. I'll be back after a meeting! Had a tough session with Dr. Q. Man, it was rough. I feel so hurt and in such pain today. Yet, some good progress was made in the session. He's a great doctor. We talked about letting go. And then, I asked if he read my blog because I was finding it hard to let go of Glenn. So, we spent most of the session focused on my relationship with Glenn. I couldn't help but cry. After so many years, I just balled. And even at the end Dr. Q looked like he was going to cry. His eyes were all red. And he wanted to make sure I was okay. I felt okay. Sad but not destructive. Infact I felt empowered.

Gotta go. I'll write more in a couple of hours!

Glenn

2005-02-13T20:16:00.000-05:00

I just remembered that I've had a couple of dreams about Glenn, the guy who abused me. It was weird. One of them, I was at my old church where I met him. (He doesn't regularly attend church & isn't a Christian.) I was with some friends at the back, but I wanted to see if he was there. Then, I saw my family up front with some guy who looked like him. I just started crying & crying. I couldn't help it.

I think about Glenn a lot. It's not good. While I couldn't sleep last night, I tried to just let him go. I just wanted to forgive him and leave it there. Why is he still always fighting to come back into my self-conscious. Why do I think about him so much. I need to emotionally divorce him. I'm sure. I tried to forgive myself too. I had so much anger towards myself that I just needed to forgive myself and let the anger go. I think that's a good thing. I want to leave Glenn in the past but why does the hurt keep resurfacing. I hate him so much and yet I want to love him so much too. I hate what he did to me and yet I so wanted his approval. It's like I was back in the whole cycle of trying to win my father's approval all over again. I'm sure Dr. Q would tell me to emotionally divorce him. To not try to win his approval anymore nor his love. He doesn't measure me as a person nor validate me as a person. He has no more say. I won't let his actions affect me. Also, last night I thought maybe he kept leaving me because he felt so guilty about what he was doing to me. It gave me such a satisfaction to feel that he actually felt guilty and bad about what he did to me. Maybe, he did know it was wrong. Maybe he has suffered for what he did to me. Maybe he did feel bad. It shouldn't but it does give me some pleasure to know that he felt bad about what he did. It makes me feel more validated as a person and more important. But, my value as a person doesn't depend upon his mourning over what he did wrong. I'm lucky that he actually apologized to me. But somehow it didn't give me any relief. It was hollow. Empty. Like, that's it? Just a "I'm sorry." What about repayment for what you did to my life?! What about paying for all my therapy, my husband's therapy, the money you took from me? What about giving me my self-esteem back?! My virginity? My dignity? My relationship with my parents? My friends back? My sanity back? Hun?!!! What about all those things you took from me?! Why can't you give those back?! I know he never could. I just feel stuck in this battle. I know I need to forgive him and let it go. I try... I try like all the time. But these feelings of hurt, bitterness and anger keep resurfacing. Sexual abuse ruins so much and it changes a person forever. And I hate that men only get a few years or months in jail while the person being abused lives with it for a lifetime. I hate my life since being sexually abused. I really hate it. You know. It sucks! I had everything going for me until I met Glenn. He really messed me up. I was smart, funny, had lots of friends, had a good self-esteem and such a great future ahead. He ruined my life! He ruined my highschool years! He ruined by ability to really function socially because I was so scared people would abandon me the way he did and I thought there must have been something wrong with me for him to treat me that way. You know what...I'm sick of feeling so empty, so hurt and so used. I'm sick of living with the...if only it didn't happen. It did and I'm so angry about it. I hate that Glenn did that to me. He was the adult and he should have known better. I hate Glenn so much for what he did to me. I hurt so bad inside and it happened like 16 years ago. Oh my goodness. When do I start feeling better?! When does life get better? When does the pain go away? When does the pain end?? When do the tears stop flowing? And when can I live without this shadow on my back? When can I be truly whole? And when can I truly live without the regret of what happpened in the past? How will I get better? And when does the pain end? Maybe if I had the courage to stand up to him, I would have dealt with it earlier.

Pain.

It strikes every chord of my being.

My stomach aches with moaning that has been going on for far too long.

My insides crumble at the very thought of you.

My head is spinning and echoing their hurtful lies.

I want peace inside. I want a measure of healing. I want God to come and take it away. I want to live again like a little child. Free.

Pain. I hate this feeling that I can't control, can't solve and can't minimize. It's an unwelcome visitor that has stayed too long.

When can I be free of you?

Well, I'll stop my lamenting for now. Dr. Q would say, "Do you realize how much power you're giving to this person? You're letting him determine how you feel about yourself and how you feel and think." I guess, he would be right. What do I do? I stop. Ground myself. Think about the emotions without getting caught up in them like I just did. OK. Hurt. Anger. Bitterness. Remorse. Grief. These are all natural reactions to abuse. That's okay and natural. Can I move to a place of acceptance? Of memorial? I'm not sure. I guess. How? This will be my memorial. If anyone reads this and has been sexually abused, take comfort that you are not alone. I have felt all these real feelings. You are not alone. It is tough but you can get through it. You can make it. Be sure to get lots of support around you, though, like doctors, friends and family (if they are able to be helpful). I will pray for you and we can be friends. Don't go through it alone. Sexual abuse hurts, it's rough and the worst nightmare anyone could face.

I hurt, I bleed. I feel so crazy inside. I loved you so much and you didn't even love me. You used me. You didn't even like me or you wouldn't have used me. The person I looked to for support and comfort was my greatest foe.

Beware of men like him who just want to steal your heart and break it the next day. Beware of men like him who stalk innocent young girls. Beware of the hurting soul who journeyed alone for far too long and carried a burden too big for his shoulders. Aren't we all just hurting people trying our best in life?

Changes

2005-02-13T19:58:00.000-05:00

Hello! Some major changes may be going on in my life soon. I'm excited and very apprehensive about it at the same time. It just seems so strange. I thought of a poem last night in bed that I was going to blog but forgot it.

Today has been really fun. I watched a movie at a friend's house. Then, we all played Ms. Pacman. It was so funny. So retro. My friend Lindsay's sick and I haven't seen her for a while. I miss her.

I've been having vivid dreams lately. It's been kind of weird. I don't want to share it all but it was pretty weird. OK, I'll share a bit. The scene started out with a young girl who worked in a Christian University in Northern Africa. She was helping some perspective students and took some of their cash. She went to go back into her house and just before she got to the door, two or three guys rushed out of there and killed her with a big spear. Then one of the other guys killed himself with a spear. And I'm not sure what happened to the other one but I think he was chasing me down. I ended up flying away. Later on the students from the school came back and were drumming. They investigated the area cautiously and found out that their bodies spelled a word. AA 999. American Airlines flight 999. And then, instantly they knew that there would be a highjacking of an airplane. The people who killed these African Christians had done it on purpose with the goal in mind of laying their bodies precisely to spell something out. Then, the scene flipped to an airplane scene of AA #999 that was being highjacked. I was in the plane with them and they were coming in for the landing. One woman was really suspicious and she had been involved in the planning of the highjacking. We landed in a shopping mall because we ran out of gas. Unfortunately, some guy got hit in the parking lot process but everyone on board was safe. Then, I was back in Northern Africa again at a school setting. It was like a boarding school. Some small group of Christian boys were being harrased. There was no place for them to go. It was like they were all going to die. Their solution was to join the school more and face their fears head on. They decided to make peace with those that were persecuting them so that they could all live in harmony despite their differences.

So strange!! I don't know but it was really, really weird.

Anyway, I didn't sleep that well last night. I am feeling kind of tired.

I'm kind of sad inside because I know that there will be changes in my life. I want things to stay the same but I know that they can't. I hate meeting people and then leaving. But, I guess that's the way it goes sometimes. Overall things are good and I know it'll all work out in the end. The changes won't be very soon but just inevitable.

Better

2005-02-10T13:01:00.000-05:00

Doing much better since my last post. In fact things have been going well. I talked with my parents-in-law. I feel that they really care about me. It's so nice to have parents-in-law like them.

Desparate

2005-02-07T13:05:00.000-05:00

Not doing well today. Can't go into detail but that Al received some not so good news this Friday. He just told me now. I'm not doing well. I know it's the illness. But, I feel overwhelmingly rejected by those we love. I feel overwhelming like a failure or that people view Al that way. I feel so ashamed. I'm dripping in it. Like a drowning soul going under dark, murky waters. It's so random. I'm doing okay one moment and think all is great. Now, I feel like I'm sinking fast.

I'm dissasociating, I can tell. Staring blankly trying to process all I'm being told. I can't think. I'm numb. Trying not to cry. I'm feeling desparate. I'm not in a good space right now.

I feel hopeless and alone. I feel backstabbed and empty. I feel like giving up. I can't go on. I was flying but now I'm sinking. How can I go on?

Is Al a failure? Is he a disease? Am I? I feel so overwhelmed by anger, sadness, hurt, rejection and criticism. What are we going to do?

The people who had our back are now stabbing it. The people who loved us and may still say they love us, is being interpreted by me as rejection. I feel like a failure. I feel like a fool. How can I go?

Busy

2005-02-05T16:48:00.000-05:00

It's been busy lately. It was so fun on Friday. I got to hang out with my buddy, Lisa & her hubby, Dave. It's been so long since we hung out with another couple. It was really nice. We had fajitas that were yummy and we ate Lisa's homemade apple pie!:) We played Phase 10, a card game that was totally fun! Yeah! She's prego! She's like 5 months prego. For the record, I think it's a girl. They don't know but Lisa's making a pink blanket. She says she doesn't know but I think she has an instinct or she's not telling anyone. She's carrying kind of sideways, like a girl, but who knows?! I'm so happy for her & Dave. They'll be great parents and I'll be an honorary auntie! Wow! So fun.

My bro & sis-in-law are coming to Canada in August. I'm so excited. I can't wait. I really like Junko and I want to get to know her better. God will provide & show them the way, I'm sure.

OK. Confession. I'm totally hooked on this Ms. PacMan game that Al got me for Christmas. It's Ms. PacMan, Galga & Mappy (a mouse detective). The graphics are sooo ghetto, but it's sooo fun!

I'm at my parents house, which means...parents = good food for free! parents = me lazing around using the computer. parents = Yuki! My doggie!

OK. My doggie is the cutest! I love her! She's white, loves everyone and can't get enough "cookies". (Don't say it outloud!)

Any deep thoughts? I'm reading Exodus right now (I'm a few days behind in my Bible reading). Even though it's just all the dimensions of the ark, the tabernacle, the offerings required, etc, it's still cool. I'm still learning lots.

Like the whole part I'm reading now about how God specifically gifted people with wisdom, arts, creative ability was really neat. They were gifted by God to be really creative for a certain task. It made me think about how my dad's really creative and can make practical things out of anything. God has blessed him. And I think about the creative giftings passed on from my dad's line and it's kind of cool to think, God may want me to use this creative ability. I don't think our society values art as much as it could. Art is so beautiful and inspiring. It just sucks that there aren't enough jobs out there for artists. When I was in highschool, I wanted to go into interior design and work in designing restaurants. Then, I decided that I wanted to help people and go into social work. I ended up at Tyndale and planned to go into Christian counselling. Now, I don't feel I'm at the place to go into training to counsel others. But, eventually, I'd love to. Maybe when I'm older & wiser. But interior design has always been my passion. I'm praying that God would show me how to glorify him with the creativity He's given me. I hope He opens many doors for this opportunity. I'm praying that there are tasks I can do to glorify Him in the creative realm.

I'm okay, you're okay

2005-02-03T13:14:00.000-05:00

Hello! It's been a while. I signed up on Xanga, too, because a lot of people from my church are there. But, I wanted to also keep this one as a deeper thoughts journal, so I will feel more free to share my thoughts!

Wow! I'm doing so well today! Praise God! It must be all those people praying for me, the medicine I've been on for the last couple weeks and the implementation of Dr. Q's strategies. He said yesterday, he thought I was a high functioning BPD because I had a job and a decent marriage. It was encouraging. It was also encouraging because I was able to identify the "borderline" characteristics.

Yesterday night, Al & I were watching American Idol. One girl was dressed really trashy. Then, afterwards, I questioned whether Al was looking at her lustifully. Of course he wasn't! But, with the "borderline" thing, I was all suspicious. Then, I realized (as I learned that day in counselling), it was a result of this illness. So, I asked for Al's forgiveness because I just assumed he was looking at her lustfully (which he wasn't!). And he was very kind and gracious about it. Then, we got into a further arguement about if that situation did arise, would he tell me? Then, he paused to think about it and said, "Yes". I took the pause as No, but he did say Yes. I need to trust him. I need to consider the hard evidence, as Dr. Q says. Not, to just think the worse. So, I didn't handle the situation 100% but I did okay. So, I would give myself a C. A passing grade. It's better than it could have been.

I feel so great today! I feel so proud of myself! I really do. I even like myself, today! It's really cool! I just really feel like all the times, I get so out of control with my emotions is due to this illness! It reaffirms that I'm okay. That I'm a likeable person. It's this illness that has caused the destruction. Now, I have to learn skills to control my behaviour, and I don't want to pass the blame off my behaviour. I just don't want to absorb my behaviour as proving that I'm a shameful & horrible human being. It's this illness and not something about me (my person) but about this illness. And I'm learning the skills to overcome! And I'm getting better at it! Yes, I'm an okay...no, a great person!

Dr. Q said I have to work on a date night with Al and having more fun. I need to have satisfaction in what I do and mastery in my accomplishments. I will try.

Medals of honour

2005-01-28T12:58:00.000-05:00

Thank you, firstly, to Polar Bear and Scattered Thoughtz! I really appreciate your comments. It helps to know that I'm not alone! Your kindness is really a huge encouragement!:)

I'm going to see my psychologist this Wendesday afternoon and I think he is doing the Dialectical therapy. And I'm trying to make an appointment with Dr. U, a psychiatrist at the North York General Hospital. I've never seen a psychiatrist before, but I'm sure it'll be good. I saw my family doctor and she didn't think I had Borderline Personality, but I took everything she said with a grain of salt. She specializes in general health and not in psychology. Oh well. I know she cares and she's referred me to Dr. U, which is what matters. I still like her a lot!

I went away to a retreat this week. It was quiet and nice. I realized that I'm shy. I like meeting new people but I tend to be a bit insecure around new people. I always thought I was so outgoing and liked meeting new people. Anyway, so it was a bit stressful, being around a group of people that I didn't know very well. But, I made it through and it was relaxing to sleep and just hang out. I got to connect with some people that I haven't seen in a while. I think one guy, who's in my husband's men's fellowship, looked at me a bit weird, like "You're psycho! You're putting such stress on your husband! What's your problem." But, again, I have to check with reality and say to myself, that he never said it outloud. And if he is thinking anything, it's probably, "Are you okay? Is your husband okay? How can I relate to or help you?" He's a pretty nice guy but his wife is like ... superwife. She's stunningly beautiful, rich, prim & proper and looks like she has it all together. Of course looks can be deceiving. But, I guess I'm just a bit insecure about the whole BPD and people finding out about it. And I have to realize as Dr. Q says, that I have an internal critic that I have to keep in check. Go away internal critic! I hate you! I won't listen to you!

I've entitled this blog as Medals of honour. This week, I was trying to pray and dialogue out the abuse I faced as a young teenager. I told myself that what happened wasn't my fault. I had to see Glenn as the abuser and a sick person. I mean, he really was psycho. Now, as an adult, I can't imagine what he was thinking to try to be sexually involved with a young teenager as an adult. I realized that sometimes I flipped back and forth between, it was his fault and it was partially my fault (in my heart). I made an agreement with myself to tell myself ONLY the truth...that Glenn was the abuser and the sick person. He is like one of the psychos you see on the news. It wasn't my fault. All the evidence is there that he lured me, groomed me and wanted to sexually abuse me. It was his fault and he is sick. That is the truth and I will keep telling myself the truth and not flip-flop back and forth between who's fault it was. Obviously, a 23- 25 year old is not naturally attracted to a 14-16 year old. It's just so unnatural and so wrong. Anyone can see that he's a sicko. Anyway, as I was praying and spending time alone thinking about this topic, a thought suddenly occured to me. I think it was God. The thought was that the abuse should be worn (metaphorically) as armour or on the outside as an indication of what's happened. I needed to think of the abuse like a medal that war veterans get for bravery. I needed a medal to say, "I survived sexual abuse!" It gave me a whole new perspective of looking at the abuse. Although it's still very painful and I have tonnes of anger, rage and hurt inside, it does help to think, "Wow! I've been made it through this horrible thing." I've accomplished something. I was thinking of doing something creative, like a quilt or painted stones, to represent the sexual abuse that I've gone through to be able to be proud of what I've actually come through. So, I'm trying to think of the abuse as a medal of honour.

I hope anyone who reads this blog and has gone through hard times can also think of themselves as war veterans and heros in their own lives.